Same story, different day.... Posted: 04-28-08 17:13pm
My husband and I have been married for 19
years and have a 15 year old son. My
marriage, to say the least, has been
stormy. I realize there are two sides to
every story, but I'm here to tell mine,
and hopefully get some feedback that will
help guide me towards the next step I
think I need to take.
To make a long story short, things have
begun to decline rapidly (again) and have
been affecting my son in a very negative
way. My husband is very controlling and
my son and I struggle to maintain our
individuality on a daily basis. I back
down from my husband in an effort to "keep
the peace" , but my son doesn't, which
creates huge problems between the them and
I feel like I'm constantly teetering
between the two of them to keep the
problem from escalating.
My husband is constantly finding fault in
everything we do. In the last couple of
years, I find that I'm defending my son
more and more in every conversation or
situation, consequently creating a wedge
between my husband and I. As you can
imagine, that infuriates my husband.
My son won't bring his friends to our home
because he's uncomfortable when his
father's home. My friends don't call or
come by anymore either...it's just easier
that way. As an adult, I've learned to
live with this, but it seems so unfair to
think that my son would have to live the
same type of life I do. My son is
resentful for some of the episodes he's
been subjected to. The eruptions of
anger, the constant mood swings, and then
the gifts that follow...an attempt to
smooth things over again.
Have any of y'all been where I am? Do you
feel the same sense of failure I feel?
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
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Posted: 04-30-08 07:16am
First of all you are not a failure and
what he is doing is called abuse. You
defend your son because you feel it's
right and you love him. It's what every
mother should feel dear. You can't
continue to walk on eggshells to make
things ok. It will never be ok which means
you will either deal with it for the rest
of your life and be lonely since he is so
controlling, or you can offer him an
alternative. Have you talked to him about
maybe going for some anger managment? It
is possible that he could be depressed or
have bi-polar disorder. Do either of these
things run in his family? Neither you or
your son should have to live like this.
You don't deserve it and in muy opinion,
your husband doesn't deserve you if he is
treating you in this way. If you ever need
to talk please let me know I'll be here.
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Rapunzel
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 3
Posted: 04-30-08 17:56pm
Willa, thank you for replying and for your
encouraging comments.
Several years back my husband and I went
to marriage counseling. The counselor
wanted to see him every Wednesday and
Friday of each week, and asked if I would
come in once a month. Counseling didn't
last long. He
felt it was an unnecessary expense and was
also uncomfortable sharing "our private
issues" with her.
He has admitted that he may have some
problems with depression, however, because
of the type of job he has, he can't take
certain types of medication and continue
to work....it's against regulation.
I have attempted to separate from him in
the past. We talked...he told me that he
can't live without me, and that he would
change...and he did, for a while. Then we
always seem to end up where we are
now...the cycle continues. When my son
was younger, it was easier to hide the
problems and deal with them myself. Now
that he's older, he "gets" it, and that's
what breaks my heart. My husband travels
a lot which gives my son and I some releif
during the time that he's gone. The
house is void of stress and tension while
he's away.
The really sad thing about this is that
when my husband's not in one of those dark
moods, he's such a great person. He is
soooo charasimatic and charming. Anybody
looking from the outside in would never
guess what's going on.
As far as living like this for the rest of
my life, I don't want to do that, but more
importantly, I don't want it for my son.
Having said that, I also need to say that
my son needs a father. BUT, he needs a
father who will be encouraging,
supportive, understanding and ACCEPTING,
instead of one who is angry, and....
Yesterday I brought up the topic of
counseling again. I explained my concerns
for all of us and I asked him if he would
consider it, I felt like we ALL needed it.
He adamantly refused.
I'd give anything if I could make things
different and have a normal family that
was absent of any dysfunction....for my
son's sake.
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Rosie H
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Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1122 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Posted: 04-30-08 18:19pm
Wow. I must say that you are indeed a very
strong and capable mother.
I am young and not too experienced in
marriage and kids (yet) but I have gone
through my own depression and couseling.
Also I have gone through abusive parents.
My suggestion would be to keep trying to
talk to him and suggest counseling. Maybe
at a time when things are going good for
everyone. Or you could write him a letter
and send it off with him when he goes out
for business.
or you can leave. I dont mean divorce but
maybe you could put some space between the
two of you for a while. Let him have time
to think about his life. Let him decide
for himself if hes ok with the way things
are. I know it cant be easy just to take
your son and leave. but do you have a
friend or family that you can stay with?
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Rapunzel
New User, Becoming EHEALTHy
Joined: 28 Apr 2008 Posts: 3
Posted: 04-30-08 20:11pm
Rosie, I think your idea of approaching
him about the counseling when things are
going well is a great idea. Maybe he
would be more receptive to the topic if it
wasn't presented under defensive
circumstances.
As far as leaving goes, I don't work, I
don't have money put away. My closest
family member lives 1300 miles from me.
However, I
wouldn't hesitate to use a credit card if
I had to and go to a hotel if things got
really out of hand. My husband doesn't
feel that "he" should leave. It's an
awkward situation.
May I say that I am truly appreciative of
your comments and suggestions. It helps so much
to just be able to talk.
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Willa Weintraub
Extremely EHEALTHy
Joined: 05 Mar 2007 Posts: 3399 Location: The Beach!
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Posted: 05-01-08 09:47am
Your in a tough spot it seems. I was in
that spot a few years back with an ex
boyfriend. Granted I had no children with
him and we were not married so it wasn't
as complicated but I felt the exact same
way as you do now. When he was in a good
mood everything was great and he was great
but when he was in a bad mood, forget it.
he was also controlling and I tried
several times to get him to go to
counceling with me or to the doctor to see
if he had any type of depression or maybe
bi-polar disorder. he never wanted to go
until *after* I left him. He was diagnosed
as depressed and was put on meds.
Let me tell you hun, he will not
change. He will not change *unless* you
give him a reason to. From where i'm
sitting, what he thinks is that as long as
you allow it to go on it's ok and you will
stay no matter because you love him. I
know you *do* love him but there is a fine
line. Once you feel you have done
everything you possibly can to help him
and there is nothing left for you to do
you have 2 roads to go down. . . Stay, be
miserable and deal with it or leave and
take the chance that he might wake up and
realize what he is missing.
I hope my advice helps you some what. I
only say all this because i'm pretty sure
I know how you feel and I would never wish
this feeling on anyone. It's been almost 3
years since my ex and I broke up but I
always will remember that feeling.
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Rosie H
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Joined: 11 Jun 2007 Posts: 1122 Location: Phoenix, AZ, USA
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Posted: 05-01-08 10:48am
Im glad that I could help a little. Try to
remember to bring this up when things are
good. The bad thing about that is when its
good you dont want to think about the bad
or you think to your self "why spoil such
a good time". But when you are all heated
and angry its almost impossible to clearly
hear each other out. You(or him) are so
focused on what the other is doing wrong
that your mind cant see the truth clearly.
Instead you (he) gets defensive, same
probably goes for your son. I have leanred
this through trial and error and it is not
an easy thing to do. Me and my hubby of 2
years are just learning how to approach
each other.
Try saying "when this happens I feel
so......." Have your son tell his father
the same thing. Im sure he loves you and
your son dearly and if he really heard how
he hurts you he may think twice. Most the
time the angry or depressed person is so
wrapped up in their problems and their
horrible life that they really have NO
IDEA what the others are feeling.
Depression can be very selfish. This
sounds bogus but its true. This probably
sounds like an exuse but its not. Their
mind is just so full of their own pain.
When you are ready to approach him dont
start by saying you this and you do that
and you make me feel this. Try to focus on
your feelings only. Try to forget the
things he has done to you for a moment.
Otherwise your anger and resentment will
brush him off. Try not to point fingers
and try to give the impression that you
are open to him and that you love him. Its
kinda like baby steps. The more he sees
that you arent trying to attack him the
more his guard will go down
I'll be here.
He
felt it was an unnecessary expense and was
also uncomfortable sharing "our private
issues" with her.
