I've been the SAME way, believe me. Mostly as a teenager up until I was about 21. I had a lot of problems at home, abusive parents, acoholic dad, moved to a new state, had no friends, etc. It was really hard! I just wanted to be away from everybody and I wanted everybody away from me. I could tell that my depression was annoying the people around me and when I finally went to a doctor for TMJ I was also told I had clinical depression. My parents did not support me, they made fun of me. It got to the point that I stopped taking my medication cold turkey, which was a HUGE mistake, I can see that now. I also cut myself. I started when I was 15, and as of now I have not done it in a little over 2 years.
I'm not sure how to help you, although I want to. All I know is that I felt EXACTLY the way you do, and I came out of it. I also thought about suicide. During the worst time of all of this when my dad was constantly drunk and abusive and he and my mom would call me crazy and make fun of me I almost did it. I sat in my bathroom, cried my eyes out and starred at the sleeping pills in my small hand. I counted them...19. Exactly how old I was. I was all ready to swallow them all, just end the cycle of mental and physical pain, and I started to think about my 19 years. Like as if each pill represented each year. How many things I had gone through, all of the bad memories and all of the GOOD memories. I realized what a huge waste it would be to throw it all away.
It's weird I know. But things seem to happen for a reason. Shortly after that, still suffering with bad depression, I decided to call a local help hotline. Not too much help, but it felt good to privately talk to a complete stranger and not feel judged. To just get EVERYTHING off my chest. It was suggested to me to get a part-time job, that way I would meet new people, have something to keep me busy and not self-obsess. It helped. At that job I met my current boyfriend, which in itself is a wonderful thing. We have good times and bad, but the most important thing is that he UNDERSTANDS me and knows that I can get depressed, even now. He helps me through it by listening while I talk, or while I cry and mumble silly things. He gives me advice, helps me do what I know I should but sometimes am afarid to do. But most importantly he UNDERSTANDS. You need to loose he bf if he does not understand. That does NOT help you. You need to be around kind and understanding people.
I can't tell you what to do sweetie, but I do know this: This old world may seem harsh and mean and sad sometimes, and you may feel like turning into yourself and giving up, but ALWAYS remember...there is a REASON you are here, and I know it is not for cutting or suicide. Hang in there.
