I am a 24 year old female nurse working on my masters. I recently finished at an ED clinic before Christmas. Now I am home around all the same pressures that I had before the clinic. I live at home with my family and am unable to control the food the bring into the house. Since I completed the ED program everyone thinks it is okay and that I am better. The truth is, I'm not, Everyday has been a struggle for me to stay well. With the extra stress so starting a new job and exams at school I feel I am slipping. I was so proud of myself for getting to leave the clinic and I don't ever want to go back. I will admit thta I miss the suppport from the other girls who were there. No I am 2 hours away from everyone and I feel alone in my battle. My boyfriend is very supportive and wants to help me. But, lately I am so consumed with thoughts of binging and purging am not being able to that I have become irriatable and want to push him away. I think sometimes that I would be better off alone with my eating disorder. It made it so I could aviod feelings and not get hurt. Now I just feel alone and I cry alot, I am so scared of being hurt. I really though recovery would be different. Yes, there have been good times but I thought the struggle would go away. I wonder now if it I will ever reach total recovery. It is such a struggle that I am ready to call it quits. I dont feel like I have anything to lose my ED never held me back my all my emotions do now. I just don't kow
I understand how you feel. I have suffered from an eating disorder off and on for 22 years. I am 40 years old and I have just recently tried to stop my purging behavior after 6 years of hiding it. My husband is supportive, but he just doesn't understand how I can keep thinking of purging even if I eat very little. I have gone a week without purging, but it has been such a struggle. I am constantly thinking about it because I know if I don't, I will turn back to purging when things get hard. I haven't suffered from depression for years, but now that I have tried to stop this behavior, I find myself tearful all the time. I am having anxiety attacks when it is time for dinner with my kids or lunch with my co-workers. I wake up at night in a panic when I know I am going to have to deal with food the next day. No one understands!
Thank you, for sharing you story. It makes me feel less alone to know that there is someone else out there who understands and can related to my situation. I know what you mean about the anxiety attacks and panic at meals. It sometimes can make you feel crazy especially when everyone around you can keep a meal with out feeling guilty about keeping it. Sometimes when I am having a hard time staying on track I think of all the things I would be risking if I went back to my ED my school, my friends, and boyfriend. I dont want to have that isolation again.
But as for yourself, you should be so proud for getting through the week, that is a major step. Hang in there and take it one meal at a time.