A few years ago I ended an emotionally-abusive relationship. Ever since then, I feel like I'm "ruined" or that I can't love someone in that open, trusting way I did once.
I'm in a new relationship, we have been together for about 2 mths now. He treats me very well. We have good communication, talking about our feelings & the relationship. Everything is going great, so it's upsetting & stressful to me to be having these feelings and acting this way.
If he says he wants to talk to me about something, my heart gets tight and I feel like I'm holding my breath. I was sure one morning that I would find an email from him saying that it was over, even though there was no conflict to base that feeling on.
The other night was really horrible. I can't seem to let go of how my ex treated me, it's like it's happening all over again anytime I'm reminded of it. I feel like I overreact to a small mistake or misunderstanding.
The other night my anxiety was progressively getting worse. He told me he would call me that night. I started getting anxious about it as early as 5pm. I started feeling lonely and started to compulsively eat, to the point of making myself sick. Around 830pm I was disappointed he hadn't called me by then, I wrote in my diary & cried uncontrollably. I was so sure that I was being rejected by him, that I prepared myself to reject him, telling myself that he meant nothing to me. I tried to distract myself by taking my dog out for a bike ride with me, to no avail. By the time I got home, I was convinced that he wasn't going to call me, that it was the same thing all over again, and that it was better for me to go to sleep and forget about it, than stay up and stress. As soon as I laid down in bed by 10:30pm, he called. So I got myself all worked up for nothing!
I've experienced anxiety and depression as long as I can remember. The difference is now I have accepted myself & I am a confident person. I have a good circle of friends that I can talk to and things are going well for me now. I feel like I have a lot of reasons to be happy. Most of the time I do feel happy & optimistic. It's these mood switches & anxiety that are so disorientating and stressful to me. I'm afraid my fears will hurt my relationship. It's not fair to him, he's a great guy & cares about me a lot.
I'm afraid to take any medication for my anxiety. I don't want to feel numb. Even worse, I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to be all drugged-up, so complacent that I don't know when something is wrong. I want something that I can take only when I start to feel anxious, not something that I rely on all the time.