really do not want to see a psychiatrist or counselor, but..

Hello and welcome to e health forum.

From the history provided it seems that you have severe stress issues associated with psychological issues that could have caused by your family problems.

Any form of sexual or domestic abuse within the family is a major cause of severe depression, behavior and adjustment disorders. Such issues can affect any individual in almost all aspects of life, including formation of new relationships.

Such issues need a face to face counselling with a psychiatrist so that issues like suicidal ideation can be recognised and specific treatment with prescription medications can be initiated.

There are no form of medications that can control anxiety, which are available OTC. All of them are prescription medications.

You might consult with a doctor or a psychiatrist, who can counsel you and provide you the proper prescriptions.

In the mean time, you can try to reduce your stress, with Yoga, meditation and physical workouts, as well as spending time with your friends or any enjoyable activities.

I have a very similar story to yours. I grew up in a very violent home. Verbal and physical abuse daily. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I started seeing a therapist about 6mo ago and it was the best decision I have ever made. I was extremely depressed, to the point of being numb. I have had suicidal thoughts since a young teen. I have been put on anti-depressants. I NEVER thought I would take anything for my depression. After much convincing from my therapist I decided to try them out. I am SO glad I did. I feel 100% better! It is the best thing you can do for yourself. People are no afraid to go to the Dr. when they are physically sick, we shouldn't be afraid to get our selves emotionally healthy. You are the only one that can control your depression, getting it under control is really the best gift you could ever give yourself