Warm Regards,
I am anonymous for my own purposes but I thought this would be a good idea. I have been following your posts for months now, and I got the idea into researching this from my ex-girlfriend, the most wonderful, most extremely gorgeous woman I ever met, who actually took the time to try to understand me. I'm not very good at this stuff, so I'll stick with what I know, what my career has taught me over the years, the facts:

Who- I am a 26 year old, White, male, adult who has had bi-polar disorder for the past 7 years. Due to the nature of my daytime profession, for sake of this forum we will stick with my night job - Logistics.

What- I have bipolar disorder. Not type I or II but the type where I cycle rapidly.

How- how did I end up here? Modern science dictates that this is a recessive gene that shows up on either faternal or maternal side and manifests itself in the form of mood swings in late teenage years.

Why- This is the tricky part for me. Like my headline says, I have no friends, no girl, and I really feel like I am at a breaking point in my life. When I was diagnosed with this disorder, I was hell bent on one thing: Living a COMPLETELY normal life on the outside not letting anyone know about this. I mean, I couldn't! My job, at the time involved 100% normalcy, confidentiality, and trustworthiness. I cannot tell what it was (is), and I'm not making this up. (And no, I do not work for the mafia, i've heard that joke 1 million times).
I guess now I am at a breaking point. I called what was left of my friends tonight, and they do not want to see me anymore. When I asked why, they responded "because people are afraid of you". No matter how much I wanted to surpress this disease, I am stuck having to deal with it.
I hate my job. I cannot be myself. I'm forced into a world of logic, interrogation, and silence. I never have the opportunity to express myself, and even if I did, I would be forced on the streets faster than you would believe it. I've attained the status in my career today from my father (a man who knows, nor cares to know anything about my illness). They trained me (right around the time of my diagnosis) never to speak my mind, or show emotion. Two things that I think are necessary in coping with this illness.
When my emotions are surpressed enough, I take suicidal measures. These aren't "failed attempts". I have been picked up, or fought the police twice in the past 9 months. Both incidents were expunged from my record by my father and former employer. Because of my training and past life experiences, physical violence has become a huge part of my life, one that I wish to be terminated forever (violence that is)
I do not understand this! I've done everything that was required of me to live a normal life! I've followed orders, seen the therapist, taken my meds, and its a dead end! To me, being bi-polar is a plague on my existence! I will never be able to buy my own house, get married, or hold a child. I'm doomed to be a silly thug the rest of my life who just carries out ridiculous orders till the day he dies!
I do take my medication, religously, it does me some good. I'm also seeing a local therapist, one who I finally connect with. Others in the past couldn't handle me cause I'd usually turn the tables and start intterogating them. Sean is trying to help me attain friends but I don't see that as a possibility in my life.
I've also noticed that a lot of you talk about relationships you have. Well that's cute. It must be nice. I, on the other hand, can't even maintain a friendship, let alone a relationship. I met an awesome woman about 9 months ago online. Once she showed me her picture with her two beautiful kids, something in the back of my mind said, "don't do it, you'll mess up her life". Low and behold, I should have listened to my conscious cause now we won't even remain friends. I've learned as a result that a partner and kids is an IMPOSSIBILITY for one with my condition. I can't speak with women anymore. I avoid them. I won't look into their eyes if I'm forced to talk with one. I think I am ugly, I think this disease makes me ugly, and I curse the day I was ever born.
I guess the point all comes down to this: where do I go from here? I have no friends left, I will never have a woman or kids, and my job is obviously unhealthy for me. I really wish I could remain her friend but it seems if I want her to be happy, she's gonna have to forget about my pitiful, ugly face. Well, you guys tell me, you're the experts.