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Pushing my boyfriend away... (Page 1)

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I have been depressed on and off for 10 years. I've gone through wild stages where i've slept with anything just to feel some kind of intimacy and stayed in relationships that i know were wrong just so that i wouldn't be alone. I have now met a wonderful guy who i love and care about very deeply. Everything with him just feels so right and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I am going through a depressive patch at the moment as i lost my job a few months back and have found it hard to get another, im having some money troubles and endless family issues. Things just seem to be falling apart again. My partner has been amazing throughout this so far, i have shouted, screamed and sobbed my heart out and he still stands there telling me he loves me and will never leave me. The problem is that recently i've started to push everyone away, especially him. I don't know why i do it, i just feel as though i will be better off on my own and therefore i can't hurt anyone else if im alone. But unfortunately he says that me walking away from him and not letting him in is hurting him the most. I dont know what to do. Whilst im going through this i never feel like having sex or even just holding his hand or cuddling. He tries to cuddle me and comfort me but i just push him away as i feel suffocated. This in turn makes him feel very unhappy and unwanted. This is not the case. I love him to bits and want him so much, i just cannot bring myself to touch or respond to his advances. occasionally i have given in and we have had sex but i just lie there feeling dead inside and wishing it to be over. I just dont understand it. How can i feel like that with someone i love and care about so much. I can sit there and look at him and a rush of warmth runs all over my body and i cant help but smile because i feel so strongly about him yet when he tries to touch me i flinch.

This is obviously affecting our relationship very much as he says he doesn't feel close to me or even wanted by me. I've tried telling him its not me, its the depression but its hard for him to understand or tolerate. What can i do?
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First Helper User Profile Petal89
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replied May 31st, 2010
I am going through the exact same thing, going through on and off depression for 5 years and now its kicking back in. I have the most amazing boyfriend who iv put through hell, and im finding myself pushing him away. Whenever he touches me i push him away, and i can see it is destroying him. You have to keep reminding yourself that as much as he says he will never leave you, there is only so much rejection they can take, and they will find themselves losing their connection with you. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you have to get yourself help, so that you can fix your relationship. In the meantime when you are fixing yourself, do little things to show him you care, go to a restaurant he loves, or rent a movie he wants to see. Tell him you love him and how much he means to you, but you have to get yourself help, or there is a chance you can lose the one thing that means everything to you.
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replied July 20th, 2010
Depression sucks...want my life back
I have the same problem! I have been trying different meds just to try and get everything under control and to feel normal again! My doctor told me to tell everyone close to me that I am going through a lot at the moment and I am trying to rectify it and for everyone to be patient with me. But how much more patience can I ask for from my boyfriend he is feeling rejected as well. I wish there was something I could do!
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replied July 20th, 2010
Re: Pushing my boyfriend away...
Try gardening, knitting, stitching or keep yourself busy with an activity that keeps your interests and moods in order. Very soon you feel a good change.

sunshineblues wrote:
I have been depressed on and off for 10 years. I've gone through wild stages where i've slept with anything just to feel some kind of intimacy and stayed in relationships that i know were wrong just so that i wouldn't be alone. I have now met a wonderful guy who i love and care about very deeply. Everything with him just feels so right and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I am going through a depressive patch at the moment as i lost my job a few months back and have found it hard to get another, im having some money troubles and endless family issues. Things just seem to be falling apart again. My partner has been amazing throughout this so far, i have shouted, screamed and sobbed my heart out and he still stands there telling me he loves me and will never leave me. The problem is that recently i've started to push everyone away, especially him. I don't know why i do it, i just feel as though i will be better off on my own and therefore i can't hurt anyone else if im alone. But unfortunately he says that me walking away from him and not letting him in is hurting him the most. I dont know what to do. Whilst im going through this i never feel like having sex or even just holding his hand or cuddling. He tries to cuddle me and comfort me but i just push him away as i feel suffocated. This in turn makes him feel very unhappy and unwanted. This is not the case. I love him to bits and want him so much, i just cannot bring myself to touch or respond to his advances. occasionally i have given in and we have had sex but i just lie there feeling dead inside and wishing it to be over. I just dont understand it. How can i feel like that with someone i love and care about so much. I can sit there and look at him and a rush of warmth runs all over my body and i cant help but smile because i feel so strongly about him yet when he tries to touch me i flinch.

This is obviously affecting our relationship very much as he says he doesn't feel close to me or even wanted by me. I've tried telling him its not me, its the depression but its hard for him to understand or tolerate. What can i do?
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replied July 20th, 2010
I've done the same thing as you all. I'm only 19 and i'm pushing every guys that could loved me away. I started being boulimia at 12 years old and felt in drugs (speed ) at 15 to 17. I did a lot of depression and I think that I may push people away b'cause i'm ashamed and don't want to hurt them, also don't want to suffer if I lost them all at every depression...


I don't think I could help anyone.. I'm still lost in the ''need and search help b'cause i'm scare of my situation''s phase. But I felt better to read your posted.. Felt less lonely. Wink
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replied October 16th, 2010
I am glad to know that i am not the only person that does this!!! I love him but i cant help it cause i dont want to talk and i dont want to have sex or be touched.. He tells me that he wants to help me feel better. i just want him to stop! On the other hand i dont want to lose him..
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replied July 5th, 2012
I am scared that I am going to lose my boyfriend because of my depression. I am trying, but he is just not as supportive as he used to be. I know it is because he is sick of trying to cheer me up all the time, but his new approach seems mean. This makes the depression worse to were I REALLY do not want to do anything AT ALL! What do I do?
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replied January 27th, 2014
Hi there,

I do exactly the same to my boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years, own a house and honestly believe we are going to be together for ever. When I go through a 'down' phase I push him away and am totally focused on everything being perfect; clean house, on top of my work but all I do is criticise him. I have such high expectations for myself I expect everyone to live up to my idealistic ways. We haven't had sex for weeks and I know it is killing him. He keeps telling me he loves me and I can hear the desperation in his voice to believe me when I say it back.

Convinced he is going run off with someone less complicated then myself.
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replied November 3rd, 2010
I could have written this...
I could have written this myself. It gave me butterflies it's so incredibly accurate to my situation. I lost my job in June, haven't found work yet, Serious money issues, guilt guilt guilt for things that I can and cannot control right now, feeling my depression rearing it's ugly head again. Zero sexual desire or physical affection. I've met the sweetest kindest compassionate guy and I'm totally numb. I'm numb to him adoring me, wanting me and loving me. I'm just so incredibly unhappy with so many facets of my life that I'm finding it take a massive toll on anything that's "good" in my life.

I've dealt with depression my whole life but this is a first. I'm thinking I'm going to seek out a professionals opinion this time as I just have no answers and no solutions.
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replied April 25th, 2011
It seems that my situation is extremely similar to a lot of you here. I'm new to this forum, but I joined because of this particular thread.

I'm having a similar problem but with slightly different circumstances. I've suffered through childhood depression since I was around five or six but it rotates between mild and severe quite frequently. I'm still in school, which has become very stressful, and I have been going through a lot of meaningless drama with my friends at school which contributes greatly to my everyday sadness. However, this I have found somewhat manageable throughout my life so far, and isn't my main issue. I've been dating a wonderful boy for almost two years, and I love him. He is always very supportive (he is well aware of my depressive issues) and understanding, at least to the ability I would expect from someone who doesn't also suffer from it. But, lately, when he touches my arm, I want him off of it, when he wants a kiss I feel closed in and when he wants to cuddle I also feel suffocated. And not just physically either, but emotionally too I feel seperated from him. I know that I love him, but I feel like I just want to be alone. And I can see that this hurts him a lot and that our amazing relationship is suffering because of me. He tells me everytime I come to this realization that he will put up with it forever, but he wishes I wouldn't make him, and I just feel awful that I can't be the happy, loving girl he fell in love with in the beginning. Because I want to be, but just can't seem to find the means.

Tell me, since it's been nearly a year since this was originally posted, has there been any improvement with any of your situations? Is there any advice you could give me on how to be happier, for the sake of us both? It would be greatly appreciated.
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replied July 17th, 2011
my partner has left me and everything u say he sed its so hard i wanted to stand by him and help him though it he doesnt remember good times or want me he wants me to move on we were suppose to be gettin married next year been cancelled of course its been 8 weeks and hes just decided to try the doctors will he get any better change his mind does anyone no?i feel lost now i love him so much.
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replied July 31st, 2011
Pushing him away...
I have the same issue, although my mother has never acknowledged my depression.
When my doctor suggested I begin medication, she said I am 'just an emotional person' which doesn't make my situation any easier as it is not an aknowleged fact that I am clinically depressed.

My partner is incredible and deals with all my irrational yelling and crying. At the beginning of the year I moved to another state to begin University, and he stayed in our home city. Even when we do see one another I don't feel like being sexual and I can tell it's difficult for him.

I have also been extremely unreasonable, I found out that during his term break he is unable to come and visit me at all because he is in a production and the show runs for that period of time, I can't come to visit him as we have different term breaks. When I found this out I got so upset and felt like this was all happening because he didn't love me, I have been getting so upset at everything he does even though he has done nothing wrong.

I am really lost, and don't know how to get control over all my emotions. I can't explain why I'm so upset half the time and it is really hurting our relationship.
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replied July 31st, 2011
depression is a stage we feel we're alone and no one is with us.but then in times of this we should be stronger and try to think positively we're not the only one suffering from problems whether it is financial or personal.there are a lot of people who have problems worse than what we have. I've been to a situation that I feel my parents don't care about me especially about my dreams and goal. I don't understand the point they are trying to show to me. Instead I walk away from them. You know what problem is associated of our existence maybe if there's no problem at all in our life we are already in the eternal life.So instead of burgeoning yourself in those weary and depressing thoughts think into the positive side of life. Try to meditate and relax unwind,don't worry too much coz every one else have their own problem.I know you can go on with your life..you can do it..
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replied January 3rd, 2012
hm91, I am completely on the same page as you. I also feel that I get mad at my boyfriend for stupid things or things that aren't in his control. He is such a great man to me, and all I seem to do is hurt him and make unreasonable drama out of nothing. I also feel as though I can't be there for him intimately, even though I want to be, because of my out of control emotions and feelings of wanting to be away from him. I love him. :'( I want him to be in my life for a long time. But I don't know with how I (don't mean to) treat him, if it's really best for him to stay with me. I want what's best for him more. Sad
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replied January 5th, 2012
I know exactly how all of you feel. I am going through a lot of stresses in my life at the moment too. I finished university a couple of years a go but still live in the same area because of my job - but it seems all my friends have moved away and I feel like I only have a few left, so I have literally 0% social life. As a people person this really gets me down a lot. My job is also really stressful and I find myself working long, unsociable hours there. My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together (about 6 months ago) and he's in his last year of uni so he's got a lot of work to do and not much time to spend with me.

I have my suspicions that I'm depressed and have been for a while. I have done numerous online tests and they have all diagnosed me with depression. I'm on a waiting list to see a doctor too so I am trying my best to sort it out for the both of us, even though admittedly I should of done this sooner.

Since we have moved in I haven't had sex with him, I will cuddle him, kiss, massage him - we are very close in every other aspect, but I just can't have sex. I don't know why, its really upsetting for both of us as I feel like I am just constantly pushing him away. He's getting tired and fed up of trying, and when he does try I just cry and that makes him feel terrible. I can tell he's near the end of his tether, but I just feel so hopeless. I can't do anything until I see a doctor, and I'm on the waiting list - I want to get better so bad and get our relationship back to normal. But I fear by the time its my turn to see the doctor it'll be too late. He said he'll be here for me no matter what, but I just feel like it would be kinder if I let him get on with his life because every time I push him away I can tell he's hurting inside and it breaks my heart to see someone I love so much feel like this because of me - this is the last thing I want to do though.

Ergh... I'm a mess guys. Especially since all my friends have moved on or faded away I only have a few left who are all in relationships who know both me and my boyfriend really well so I find it hard to talk to anyone about it.

I wish you could buy magic wands to make it all better again.
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replied January 5th, 2012
I understand what you're saying too Petal89. Sad Physical contact and sexuality are parts of our relationship that have suffered because of my depression too. I cry (a lot) and he's learned to comfort me in it, but I can tell it hurts him to see me upset and to feel helpless especially when I push him and his efforts away.
The only advice I could offer to you would be the actions I'm taking at the moment in my own situation: wait it out and don't give up on your relationship--because if your boyfriend is anything like mine, when he says he's going to be there and that you'll get through it together, he means it, and you wouldn't want to give up on something that great if there is potential for change in the future; try to fill your life with things you enjoy, and I understand this is hard with a busy schedule, but sometimes being able to look forward to things and enjoy small peices of your day can help break up stressful and depressive moods; and make sure he understands as much as possible about what you're going through, because if he's more confused than you are, he's going to find reasons on his own for why there's a struggle, and feel worse about problems that you two encounter.
I think I should see a doctor too, maybe, I haven't considered it in awhile but I guess it might be a good option. It couldn't hurt right? I imagine I'll be waiting as well.
Oh and if you come across any of those magic wands, be sure to let me know. I could definately use one.
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replied January 8th, 2012
Reading all these posts has made me feel like am not the only person out there that is feeling like this and being the exact sane way I am being with my partner. Has anybody felt better from the advice or talking to ppl on here? I don't know what to do love my partner so much I know i want to be with him forever but as many of u have said how much rejection can a person take! I don't know why i am like this got worse since I had my baby 16 months ago don't want to be intimate with my partner I am always feeling down I think I've been like this for a good 10 years but getting worse I havent ever told a doctor or anything about how I feel but u do think now I need some sort of help Sad , I have pushed away so many people it won't be long until he leaves. Everytime he tried to cuddle or kiss me I push him away make up an excuse such a shame for him. Don't know what to do any more .
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replied January 15th, 2012
I am doing exactly the same thing.......I have to say "again" though, after a car accident 6 years ago I have suffered with severe depression and PTSD, I have my good days but I have many bad days too because of injuries I have to my back, the thing is I pushed my husband of 22 years away a year ago and now I am doing the same thing to a new boyfriend I have now, I think it is because I don't live a normal life anymore, nor can I have one because of my injuries because it causes too much pain when I try to do things, I am still trying to come to terms with that......the guy I have now is very understanding of my injuries, the thing is when he asks me to do things I know are going to cause pain I just get all anxious, stressed and upset, I don't like to fight so I don't say alot, I just go along with whatever he wants to do but then I tell him afterwards, which is of course too late, I am angry by then...the reason I do this is because I don't want to stop him experiencing the good things in life and a part of me wants to be there doing things with him, ie; going to the soccer or out somewhere with our kids.....but throughout this process, I push him away by my angry words and accusations....the thing is though when I am having a good day I want the intimacy but if he is not in the mood for it or he wants to focus on other things I feel rejected and I know my feelings of rejection are because I see myself as useless and worthless because I can no longer do the things I used to be able to do, I get really down on myself and depressed and can't see a way of changing my thoughts to positive because my mind goes completely negative and I just turn it around on him.....me not being able to do things normally anymore really is not his problem, it's mine, I know that but I still carry on like a two bob watch......I am seeing a counsellor too.

The problem is when I am angry I just want to make him feel the pain he has made me feel at the time he has made me feel rejected but each time I look back afterwards I see my actions as irrational.......my boyfriend is not the only one I am pushing away either, I pretty much push everyone away just in case they want me to do something I can't do, I also do it because I don't really have much of a life anymore and I don't tend to have a great deal to talk about that is positive and I hate to bring my friends down just because I am feeling down........I hope all of this makes sense, I feel like I have raved on a little here......any thoughts from anyone negative or positive would be much appreciated or if you need clarification from my raving just ask.
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replied June 21st, 2012
Thank god I am not alone. I have been on anti depressants for a phobia and anxiety and recently decided to lower the dosage after feeling to well. A couple of weeks later, I was feeling detached from my fiance, can't access any emotion, feel like my head says you don't love him but in my heart I do. We have been together for 7 years and are engaged and everything was going so well but I think that I cut down on meds too soon, especially when I had a lot on my plate that I thought I could handle but obviously not.

I can't have him touch me, even seeing him freaks me out, where did it all go? I don't want to fall out of love but have totally lost interest and can't see future when I feel so down, I need him though, I want to be back in that happy place!

I can't stand hurting him, but I'm hurting too and feel so guilty even though I have done nothing wrong!
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replied July 2nd, 2012
Pushing me away
My partner well ex at the moment came from a abusive marriage, and met me not long after her separation. This last year she became disinterested in sex, and slowly pulled away from me, she doesn't like to talk about things. Small things really bugged her and we were always walking on egg shells around her. Her parents did not want her to leave her Husband. We have had a few issues about moving forward, maybe I pushed to much. We still got on pretty good but a few weeks ago, she was crying and said to me, I need space, I am not breaking up with you, just need to get my head rite and get some counseling and that she loves me and tells everyone how good I am to her and she won't find another guy like me. Then she started to not want to see me at all and stopped saying she loved me. Is this depression, She has shut down and is only talking to the people that are telling her what she wants to hear. i have to stay away but it is so hard. What do I do?????
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replied July 13th, 2012
pushing away your partner during depression?
its makes me feel better too that i am not alone in this... BUT does anyone who has gone through this gotten out of it and how? how long did it take, what did you do?

i have gotten to the point of thinking that maybe my depression is caused because i have come to the point where i may have lost interest or feelings for him... and not that i am depressed so my mind tells me i have lost interest in him and us. if that makes sense....

i dont want to end it, but my mind keeps telling me this is the only way i can be free from this terrible feeling.
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replied July 19th, 2012
Pushing my boyfriend away because of my depression
Hey,

My boyfriend has recently had enough of my mood swings and being so irrational and emotional all the time. I can only say, after loosing the man I love and want to marry, this has shocked me into finally doing something about my depression. I have had enough of pushing people away.

I would advise you to stay with your partner if they are willing to help you. Think about how you would really feel if they broke up with you, and perhaps try and come up with a plan of what to do together if you become seriously depressed. For example, I realise now I was letting off all my emotional baggage onto my boyfriend, if I could go back in time, I would identify a few people I could talk to, to de-stress and offload on people you are less likely to get into an arguement with, rather than putting all the burden on your boy friend.
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replied July 20th, 2012
I forgot to say, another thing that helped me when I was feel really bad and was questioning my relationship, I kept a note of all the reasons I wanted to be with my boyfriend, preferrabley do this when you are feel well. You can then refer to this list and rely on what you thought when you were feeling more yourself.
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replied March 7th, 2013
This has been the most helpful discussion ever. I am experiencing exactly the same situation. There are times when I come to a point of wanting to kill myself. I have lost weight drastically. I haven't been able to get a job and all efforts to start my own business failed and no one understands. No one seems to listen. My boyfriend kept telling me he will be there to support me but everytime he's around I feel irritated and annoyed. Even when he's telling about his day at work. I was thinking of ending the relationship but he's been incredible. I'm not on medication at all and I don't even know if it's depression.

All of my friends are busy with their lives whereas I'm doing nothing. Sometimes I cry for hours in the showers. It has been really hard and I don't even know what's wrong. I'm glad I came across this and realize I'm not alone. Thanks everyone.
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