|I have been depressed on and off for 10 years. I've gone through wild stages where i've slept with anything just to feel some kind of intimacy and stayed in relationships that i know were wrong just so that i wouldn't be alone. I have now met a wonderful guy who i love and care about very deeply. Everything with him just feels so right and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I am going through a depressive patch at the moment as i lost my job a few months back and have found it hard to get another, im having some money troubles and endless family issues. Things just seem to be falling apart again. My partner has been amazing throughout this so far, i have shouted, screamed and sobbed my heart out and he still stands there telling me he loves me and will never leave me. The problem is that recently i've started to push everyone away, especially him. I don't know why i do it, i just feel as though i will be better off on my own and therefore i can't hurt anyone else if im alone. But unfortunately he says that me walking away from him and not letting him in is hurting him the most. I dont know what to do. Whilst im going through this i never feel like having sex or even just holding his hand or cuddling. He tries to cuddle me and comfort me but i just push him away as i feel suffocated. This in turn makes him feel very unhappy and unwanted. This is not the case. I love him to bits and want him so much, i just cannot bring myself to touch or respond to his advances. occasionally i have given in and we have had sex but i just lie there feeling dead inside and wishing it to be over. I just dont understand it. How can i feel like that with someone i love and care about so much. I can sit there and look at him and a rush of warmth runs all over my body and i cant help but smile because i feel so strongly about him yet when he tries to touch me i flinch.
This is obviously affecting our relationship very much as he says he doesn't feel close to me or even wanted by me. I've tried telling him its not me, its the depression but its hard for him to understand or tolerate. What can i do?