i dont think spanking is abuse, however what your husband did would be looked at more towards abuse. but a little spank here or there wont hurt.
it is a way of discipline, and sometimes when a child misbehaves endlessly like you described his sister, they need a little spank to get them to realize that what their doing is not acceptable, and they need to listen now.
but hitting in the head, grabbing and yanking them upstairs...that looks and sounds like abuse. there's no need for that.
my fiancee has a daughter who is 6years old now, and he has given her a spank once in a while, not extremely hard, and not in the face, she would get a spank on the bum, and he would explain why he did spank her and that was she was doing is not tolerated, and she needs to listen when he says to do something.
shes now 6years old, and because of that discipline [which again did not happen frequently] she is a great kid.
You can take her shopping and say 'no we are not here for toys, do not run around, ok we're leaving grandma's house, put your toys away please, go get ready for bed' and there's no fight, no need for a spank, because she knows that she is to do what she's been told to do, and shes the sweetest little girl ever. and has no trama like some say they get when spanked.
Spanking is not aways a bad thing, sometimes kids need it once in a while, but i think how your boyfriend handled things was wrong. that is abuse like you said, and no kid deserves that, no matter how bad they may be.

Maybe your husband thinks this is fine because of the fact that he was abused, and brought up in this way. Maybe you could take to someone like a counsellor with your husband about this.
To some it is abuse, but to others its not. but its all in how you handle the situation and how hard the spank is. I dont think a 7 year old deserves 30 spanks...

I don't believe that spanking a child is abuse. I do think however that other methods of punishment should be tried first. There are some children out there that will not listen to anything other than a spanking though. Not everyone crosses the line and spanking does not always lead to worse things. I can see though how growing up with abusive parents can give you that image.
It might be a good idea for you and your husband to see a couselor together to help you both with the emotions left from your childhood and also help you decide together how you would like your child's life to be.

i agree with monkeygirl22, sometimes its the only way to get through to a child, but other punishments should be tried out first.

I believe spanking is fine. When it is just spanking. What you are describing is definitely abuse.

The definition of spanking is a tap on the bum or a slap on the wrist if the child is running away into the street where there are cars or his hand is going to reach for that dangerous object. If my son is pulling his sister's hair, I might go over and give his hair a little pull too so he can see how it feels. Of course I'm not going to pull out his hair, but the punishment fits the crime and it teaches him that there is a cause and an effect. There are times when we have to spank, but it doesn't include roughness.

It's like football.....there's a way to tackle and a way not to, and if you don't do it correctly, it's called a foul and unnecessary roughness. As adults we have must have the self control and the know how to raise our children properly.

Are you going to let your 18 month year old continue to reach for something that is obviously dangerous to him, speak to him about it, or give him a tap on the hand? Do you hit your 7 year old child 30 times because he left his things on the floor or do you make him clean it up and have him write "I will keep my room neat" 10 times?

I know my children will cry because they have been punished, not because it hurts. The point it to get across to them that they have done wrong so that they will not do it again. If the child is smart enough to listen to the reasons why he must not do something, then fine. Otherwise, sometimes you just have to spank.

I use spanking as a form of discipline, but taking your background into account I don’t think that is the way to go for you and your husband. I know somebody that uses other forms of discipline and I’ll get them to contact with you alternative ways to go about it.

I think the spanking debate is only the tip of the iceberg here and that you and your husband need to sit down with some child rearing books as well as books for abuse survivors and draw up a firm agreement you both are happy with on how you will discipline. (I don't believe in punishments. It only creates animosity. Discipline always has teaching and steering a child in the way he should go as its aim.)

If you can't agree, then I suggest getting a professional third party involved to help you come to a decision. A counselor, particularly one who has a lot of experience working with adults who were in abusive households, will be able to provide a balance and perspective to your conversations.

I would recommend postponing pregnancy or adoption until you and your husband come to a firm agreement on how you will raise the children. This is a massive topic that you guys fundamentally disagree on and you can't hash it out while he's dragging a kid to its room and you're yelling abuse. You'll be divorced in no time if you don't get it sorted out. You might need to continue the conversations with a counselor after the topic goes from theoretical to practical because it is very hard for people who were in abusive households to break the cycle, but it is completely do-able with determination, education, and support.

Smacking a child on the face is ABUSE! Anything physical force used out of your own anger is ABUSE. If you're going to discipline your child, do it when you're CALM and not fuming. I don't think spanking is necessarily abuse, there are definite lines that should not be crossed though.

I don't think what the OP's husband gave his sister was an abusive spanking, especially since he was counting the spanks out rather than just hitting in a rage. I have gotten and sometimes given 30 spanks in a session, depending on how bad the offense was. In my case as a kid, it was with a belt on my bare butt, so I got the message loud and clear! I never felt abused though and still don't.

Wow, that's amazing. It reminds me of my mother talking about how her father used a belt on her and her siblings. I don't think she ever felt abused. The word was discipline.

The important point to consider is that the other person might be someone who is subject to your authority, but they are human beings too. The key is to consider what is the most effective way to instill in a particular child the rules of life so that he remembers to do right the next time around?

Abuse is relative. Relative to families, countries, and cultures. What may be abuse in one place is totally proper in another. You yourself have to decide what is proper.

Just remember, if you do not treat your pet that way, or when you were a child would not want to be treated that way, it may be abuse.

Of course, there are some universal things that are abuse. It does not take common sense to realize what they are.

I will never, ever spank my child. I don't see any need for it whatsoever and to resort to it would mean that I have failed in some way as a parent. I am here to teach my child that hitting is wrong, how could I do that if I hit her? I am supposed to be the one person in this world she can trust and come to and know she will not be hit or abused. I was spanked when I was a kid and all it did was make me feel deep shame and fear and to think of me making my daughter feel that way makes me sick to my stomach. I will work extra hard to find other ways of disciplining her if I have to in order to avoid eroding her self esteem that way. Sometimes kids don't listen, it isn't because they are bad it is because they are learning what their boundaries are and it is up to parents to be consistent and firm with those boundaries, even when it is inconvenient for us. That means routine, accountability, and self discipline on our parts, in order to instill it in our kids. Kids learn more from example than from anything else. I don't think it is abuse if you give a kid a swat on the hand to get their attention if they are reaching for something hot, say. But, to take the time to count out 30 hits just seems pointless and humiliating and desperate. If it's gotten to that point where the child does not listen, it is time to reasses what kind of parenting is going on and fix it. It's not fair to beat up on the kid when it's the parents who've been lacking.

It depends on the child, time, place, and behaviour. The only thing absolute is that you can not be absolute and paint every child and family with one brush.

spanking is abuse. Not only is it physically hurting the child but emotionally to.
When my 4 year old doesn't behave we use negative punishment and only some positive punishment instead of spanking.

Positive reinforcement is when they get something for doing something good (commenting "oh thats great!", or cookie)

Negative reinforcement is when you take away something they don't like for doing something good. (using underwear instead of diapers when they get potty trained-most kids don't like diapers)

Positive Punishment is like hitting/spanking when they do something wrong. Time outs (adding) are also positive punishment. Time outs are great, when she doesn't want the time out instead of adding more time (b/c more time doesn't work) we tell her to sit/stand where she is until she ASKS us to start her time out. Generally she will sit there for 10-20min for a 2-10min time out, but she always asks for it then says sorry for having a fit or kicking.

Negative Punishment is also good.. But it requires you to be a good attentive parent! This is where you take away something they like. The better you know your child the more likely you are to get that favorite toy first. First toy to go for her is her cat teddy bear then her unicorn but only until the next day. You cant hold it longer because by the next day they might be good and then you are punishing good behaviour.


When she doesn't want to eat her dinner we tell her she has to sit there until its eaten. If she takes too long then she has to eat by herself, which she doesn't like b/c she likes to talk! Give her a time limit and by then we take story time away. Story time is very dependent on how much time she takes to eat and shower/bath. If she takes too much time for one then less time for another.

Hope this helps

Please please please don't have a child with this man until he gets help to sort his issues out...

What he did to his sister was no form of discipline, and if he can do that to a child which isn't his he will no doubt loose his temper with his own children at some stage and what could he be capable of....