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Problems with orgasm without vibrator - any ideas?

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I am a 29 woman and I am have a problem with orgasming. I can climax wiith the use of a vibrator (although it takes me a long time), but I can't orgasm with a partner.My partners have always been very up for experimenting and trying new things. Unfortunately it seems the only way to orgasm is to have an intense vibration on my clitoris for a while. Oral sex does nothing for me, the feeling is nice and intimate (I certainly don't object to it), but sexually it is never going to make me come. A partner applying his fingers does very little (again, feels nice, I get aroused, but nothing comes of it). The same happens when I do it. Penetration, while fun, again, will not bring me to orgasm. What generally happens when I have sex with my partner is that we incorporate the vibrator into our lovemaking, but I would really love to not have to. I would be intersted in hearing of any advise or techniques. I have bought books and they all seem to assume that to come you just need to be relaxed and comfortable - can anyone recommend any good books (preferably ones that recommend things to try, and techniques and things).
One other thing that has always struck me as odd is that when I get turned on my clitoris gets larger (which is normal), but I lose sensitiviy in it.
Any thoughts, advise, or links to other forums that could offer advise would be greatly appreciated. I have been with my partner for 2 years now and I would love her to make me come without the buzzing vibrator.
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replied December 27th, 2010
Especially eHealthy
Abigel, It is possible to desensitize your nerves using a vibrator. It is however unlikely to do so using it for short periods of time, or when using battery operated vibrators. Electric vibrators are much more likely to cause it as it can produce intense stimulation for long periods of time.

This is easy to solve by not using a vibrator for a while. That will allow your nerves to return to normal.

It is not quite clear if you have developed the mental tools to orgasm without mechanical help. Especially during oral sex, fingering or masturbation. You have to concentrate on the feelings in your genitals. You have to concentrate on keeping the feeling of tension and pleasure building the whole time. If the feelings does not intensify, you need to direct the stimulation to a place where the feelings will intensify. You have to keep on concentrating on it though. It is not the time for relaxing and thinking of other things. You can help it along by tensing your leg and abdominal muscles to help the tension building. You can pump your legs open and closed to put tension in the muscles. And keep on concentrating to make the feelings grow and grow and grow.

Only when you feel the first orgasmic contractions can you start to relax and think of other things.

During penetration it is a different story. The chances are very very good that your clitoris will never get the stimulation that you need to get to orgasm because of the distance between your clitoris and vaginal opening. You have already discovered the answer to that so you are more advanced than about 60% of women. So just keep on using your vibrator during penetration and enjoy the orgasms you have.

When you get aroused, your tolerance for pain in your clitoris will almost double. It can thus feel like you get less sensitive. Touching your clitoris directly will also make it less sensitive. Your clitoris is best touched indirectly where you never make direct contact with the glans. Using enough lubricant can also help tremendously to prevent this desensitization.

An interesting fact is that the little head of your clitoris that sticks outside your body is just the tip of the iceberg. The clitoral complex is a massive organ. The clitoris bulbs runs under your vulva floor under the labia minora and you can stimulate it through the vulva floor. When these bulbs engorge with blood, it gives your vulva the swollen aroused and slightly open look. You can also stimulate it from inside your vagina, low and front.

Best of luck!
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replied December 28th, 2010
Thnx
Susan, Thnx fr ur reply...But do u mean that my organs no more sensitive due to much use of vibrator.I understand human cant make that pressure. But what i want to come back to normal?Cant it be solved???
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replied December 28th, 2010
Especially eHealthy
Sorry for another long reply :-(
Abigel, Do you use an electric (massager) or powerful battery operated vibrator?

It can certainly be due to over use of an vibrator (hard vibrations, extended period of time, often). If that is the case, stopping the use of your vibrator for a few weeks will bring the sensitivity back. It is important that you do not fixate on one spot when using a vibrator. Use different angles, different pressures and move it around a bit. If its got different vibration programs, use a different one every time.

It can also just be the way you have been put together. This is more likely than numbing your nerves with a vibrator.

According to various research studies, the world consists of three groups of sexually active woman:

1) Orgasm naturally and most of the times during intercourse - about 30%
2) Orgasm when they assist their orgasms by masturbating during intercourse (fingers, vibrator, special position) - 20%
3) Woman that does not orgasm or very very infrequently orgasm during intercourse - 50%

You have figured out how to move from group 3 (never orgasm) to group 2 (orgasm with help) which is good. You should congratulate yourself for that. Halve of all women will never ever figure that out.

Most likely, group 1 has a different anatomy than you do. Their clitorises are close enough to their vaginal entrances to get stimulated with normal penile vaginal intercourse. For these women it is as easy to orgasm as for their partners and they cannot understand why other women do not orgasm.

In the mean time, get your mind right. Having an orgasm is not about laying back and relaxing. It takes concentration on every feeling down in your genitals and keeping the tension and pleasure building and building and building. You should also not give up too soon during oral sex or fingering. Tell him what to do, take his head and move it the way you want it to (just warn him you are going to do that, dont just grab him by the ears Smile), let him penetrate and stimulate your vagina with his fingers while he eats you out. Ask him to vary the speed and power in his tongue, he can suck, blow (not inside your vagina though), lick, flick, hum, tease and do many other things with his mouth.

Your mind plays an important role, as can be seen from research studies where it was found that ADD medicines help quite a few women to get to orgasm. It seems like some women cannot keep up the concentration on the sensations in their genitals for long enough to orgasm.

This also brings up another important point. Any drugs (recreational, over the counter or prescription) that you take can have a huge impact on the time it takes you to orgasm.

Have you tried the new personal lubricants that bring heat and sensitivity to your genitals? Something like KY Intense (this is not an endorsement of it, just the first name that came to mind). This can speed up your sexual response cycle.

You can also try to get to a higher level of arousal before intercourse, making the vibrator part of the longer foreplay and then using a new intercourse position like Coital Alignment Technique (C.A.T.) to push you over the peak. CAT is an advanced technique, but after 2 years of being intimate with your partner it should fit in well. You can use the google to find info on it or just drop me an IM if you can't find anything.

Other positions like you on top will also give you the opportunity to control the pace, direction and depth of intercourse. You can grind down to stimulate your clitoris on his pubic bone, you can wiggle, rock forwards and backwards or side to side to give you the stimulation you need. The precondition is that you can concentrate on the feelings from your genitals to make it get better and better, rather than just grind on and hope it will get better.
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replied January 1st, 2011
Thnx fr reply
Hi susan, Thnx for ur reply.I use a battery operated vibrator since few years.Well i tried ur suggestion but it didnt worked. Well i dont get that pleasure while normal penetration.Also in few mins he comes out, so nothing to feel, organsm is much far.......really i dont want to use the vibrator on me.I know its not good fr me....its making my organ insensitive and it will convert me to abnormal human....really its irritating.....
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replied January 1st, 2011
Especially eHealthy
Abigel, As I explained. it is quite normal not to get an orgasm from penetrative sex. Most woman will also have to stimulate their clitoris during penetration.

I am not sure which of my many suggestions you tried. None of them are instant solutions. It will take some time and practice.

Using a small battery operated vibrator is not bad for you, it does not make you insensitive, defective or abnormal. Where do you even get these ideas?

So stop being irritated and be thankful that you figured out how to orgasm during sex. If you do not do that, you will only become frustrated, and then sex will not be any fun.

Make using your vibrator more fun by trying different positions. There are many positions where there are enough space for both of you and your vibrator during intercourse.

How long does your partner last? Having intercourse for too short a time can be part of the problem. Without your vibrator it may take quite a while to make you orgasm.

Have you tried the positions where you are on top and he is on his back? Then you can control the speed, depth and angle. And you can grind down to give your clitoris stimulation. It is also easy to bring your vibrator into it in this position.
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replied January 2nd, 2011
Problem with vibrator
Hi Susan,
Thnx for ur suggestion.My partner can be active only fr 2 mins.Its very small time...i dont know why is it???I tried the top position but i didnt used vibrator.I have stopped the use fr a while. Well one of my frnd told that its not good to use vibrator.She never uses it and had organsm without it.....Can i continue using my vibrator if it wont harm me???
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replied January 3rd, 2011
Especially eHealthy
Abigel, He suffers from something called 'rapid ejaculation' or 'premature ejaculation'. It happens when he has his orgasm and ejaculation before you are both ready. He is not doing this on purpose. He just get so excited that he cannot help it.

This is a whole different subject and there are a number of techniques he can use to cope with it. He will have to do the research himself. You will have to be careful talking to him about this as men have very fragile egos.

You can help him by taking regular short breaks to stop him from thrusting. That way his excitement can go down. You should also avoid stimulating him too much with your hands or mouth before intercourse, and getting yourself close to orgasm before he penetrates you. Him using a thicker condom can also help him to become less sensitive during intercourse.
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replied April 25th, 2013
Abigel, I have the EXACT same problem. I have only ever orgasmed with a vibrator directly on my cliit. My friends have told me to pay with my clit, but that takes FOREVER, I'd rather just vibrate. Women are not built the same way as men, and unfortunately, for alot of us it makes it very hard to orgasm. At first I thought I was defective. I stopped using a vibrator for like 4 months, no masterbation or anything, but when I had sex for the first time in the 4 months, nothing happened. I've finally come to realize that I will probably never orgasm without a vibrator. It's just the way I'm anatomically built. But no we're NOT DEFECTIVE! It's just the way we are.
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