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Privacy and trust issues

Ok, so ive been dating this guy for a little over 3 years now, and at the beginning we agreed to be exclusive to each other. I trusted him completly until about a month ago, when i found out he was sending nude pics and videos of himself jacking off till he cummed to guys he met over the internet with his cell phone, and he did this at work b4 he came home. Another thing, i found this out 2 days after our 3 year anniversery, how nice, huh. I confronted him about it and he stopped doing it, much to my relief. I checked his cell phone periodically after that and there was nothing, just messages from the guys he was sexting before asking for pics/vids and wondering why he was ignoring them. So i stopped checking it.

Now, a few days ago i was taking his wallet out of his pants before i hung them up in the closet when i found a piece of paper. On the paper were craigslist personal ads, i found this out thru google when i did a search on the numbers. I confronted him about this too. He admitted that he was going to e-mail them, but just to talk about their experiances. BTW, he is never home late nor has he really given me a reason to think that he has cheated on me, so i dont think this.


On sunday i had a bit of an emotional break down and told him that all of these things that he is doing is pushing me into a place that i dont want to be. Since the start of this turmoil a month ago ive been slowly regressing to when i was horribly depressed and suicidal. We then had a long talk about everything, which included all the secrets that we have kept from each other and all that crap. Also, I knew he had another e-mail address, which he told me he used for naughty things, and when i asked him to open it and let me see what was in there he said "no, there is nothing in there. I havent used it for weeks." I also asked if he had ever made a craigslist personal, which he also said no to. We had a good heart-to-heart talk about everthing, he even admitted that he has a problem with his horniness and he is gonna try and change it. I was wondering if he should seek professional help with this and he said maybe.

VVVV THIS IS THE HEART OF THE ISSUE VVVV
So last night i did something stupid and i feel horrible about doing it, but i went and 'hacked' his naughty e-mail address. I found out that he did make a craigslist personal a few days ago, and there were several responses to it. I deleted them like a fool, then confronted him about this. This was the first time he ever became angry about any of this, he was totally understanding about every thing before, but he said that it was the way i went about it to look at his e-mail is what upset him more than anything else. Now he is mad and not talking to me right now, i dont really care about the craiglist personal. I just want to know why he felt like he needed to lie to me about it when i asked him point blank. I also dont want him to be mad at me any more. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I told him "i love you and good-night" when he went to bed he responded "i love you too" but he still souned pissed.


Any one got any advice? I dont wanna lose him, i know i brought this on myself and i want to make amneds for it, but he wont even talk to me. Ive apologized again and again till he told me to "shut up, whats done is done." Im sort of losing it here. Also, im thinking about contacting his EX to see if he has any advice on what i can do. I think i just really need someone to talk to.
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First Helper Cindyrelli57
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replied May 11th, 2010
hi
i feel so sorry for u its such a shame on what u r going through
firstly please dont blame urself its not ur fault at all its his defenatly u didnt ask him to do all that stuff behind ur back
u really need to sort it out with him u both need to sit down and listen to eachother its so wrong what his doing to u and unexceptable....personally i think he as sexual urges to sleep with a man
to get his ex involved by u talking to his ex is a bit intimadating for him maybe he would be angry with u
but please dont blame urself its not ur fault at all
if u need anyone to talk to please feel free to msg me or write me.

keep ur chin up
lisa n maria
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replied May 11th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
This man is continually disrespecting you over a fairly short term. You have this heart-to-hearts, he lies about what he's doing then he continues to be disloyal. He obviously cares about your feelings but he's not respecting you or the relationship. You don't trust him. You're checking his phone and accounts, you're second guessing him. That isn't love and you can't have a relationship like that. I know you're very invested in him but I think you two need to take some time apart from one another, not a weekend away. You need to have separate residences and dissolve the relationship before it tears itself apart.
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replied May 11th, 2010
Well, we have started talking again. He seems calm and rational right now, he says he loves me and we hugged and kissed. Im not bringing up what happened last night till later, when i know he wont blow up. Ive talked to his first ex who apparently went thru the same thing with him, but they just let it fall apart. Im going to sit and talk with him later, he needs to understand that i want to help him, he has admitted that he has a sexual impulse problem and wants to get help. So ive emailed a realtionship counselor about whats going on and will try and convince my bf to make an appointment. I think he was so mad cuz i found out he was lying and trying to pass the blame onto me instead of accepting that he keeps hurting me.

I want this to work out, i want to protect him from himself. I dont want him getting AIDS or any other STD just cuz he cant control himself.
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replied May 11th, 2010
Sorry your going through this. But you need to leave him before he give you STD's. He has a very addiction and he does need professional help. Don't let him drag you into he's naughty behavior. Let him get help and think about going back. Don't feel like you want to take your life for Satan ! God loves you. But you need to kick him to the curb.
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replied May 11th, 2010
Sorry your going through this. But you need to leave him before he give you STD's. He has a very addiction and he does need professional help. Don't let him drag you into he's naughty behavior. Let him get help and think about going back. Don't feel like you want to take your life for Satan ! God loves you. But you need to kick him to the curb.
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replied May 11th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Hopeless
Remaining in the relationship could enable his behavior and prevent him from getting the help he needs. If he's committed to getting help then there's no harm in remaining with him to support him but if he stops treatment you're no longer supporting a recovery. I can't help but feel that you're more concerned with holding on to the relaitonship than what the relationship is doing to you. Please take some time to yourself and evaluate what this man is bringing into your life.
Best wishes.
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replied May 12th, 2010
So we have talked things out. We are going to see the relationship counselor in the next few weeks. He understands where i am coming from and why a snooped. He is very sorry for the pain he is causing me and wants to get help to he can actually focus more on our relationship instead of looking for electronic fun from outside of it. He has deleted his naughty e-mail account, erased the sexting numbers from his phone and he swears under the punishment of losing me that he will tell me the truth from now on. If i find one more thing, im out. Im just so tired and im tired of feeling this way.
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replied May 13th, 2010
Experienced User
Cheating and deception are like ants. Where you see one there are 1000. He can get a new email acount, a new personal ad etc. if he hasn't already. You are letting him have his cake and eat it to by letting him have his warm cozy loving relationship and still live the single life. It isn't your job to fix him and you can't fix him.
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replied May 20th, 2010
Supporter
You are hopelessly in love,

First how many times has your boyfriend been married?
If he has been married and divorced more than once I would definately consider the fact that he is the one that has a problem in relationships. You have found out some very disturbing things about your boyfriend and then you feel guilty because you were searching for the truth. I am surprised that you have continued with this man for 3 years. What are your dreams, hopes, aspirations in life? Do you take the time to achieve them? Are you happy in this situation? Have you ever wondered if your boyfriend is gay? I know you finally understand than he has a sexual addiction but why do you think couple counseling will help you when it is clear that he is the one that has the problem. He needs help in that respect. You need to get help for yourself alone to find out why you want to persue a relationship which is destined to fail. Why you dont have enough self respect, esteem, confidence to realize this man does not have the ability to be in a commited relationship because he is mentally unstable. He has a sexual addiction where he is actively persuing men. I think he most likely is gay, and he does not have the confidence to come out of the closet and has a sexual addiction. It sounds like he is out of control, his past wives were not able to help him, I am sure they also loved him but they finally got it. He will not change and they could'nt change him. Remember past behavior predicts future behavior. This cycle will continue until your boyfriend wants to get help on his own. You cannot change a person. They have to want to change. Move out and tell him you will come back when he gets help. That will be the ultimate test but if may be difficult and heartbreaking for you because he may not follow through and find another girl friend. I have been married to the same man for 35 years and he is the same man in every way that he was 35 years ago, just a little older and wiser. How much more time are you going to waste?
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replied May 20th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Homosexuals don't engage in heterosexual sex.
Sexual Addiction is something only a psychologist or addiciton medicine specialist can determine.
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replied May 22nd, 2010
Supporter
I disagree, homosexuals do engage in heterosexual sex. Many men and women have gotten married, because they were to afraid or ashamed to be open about their sexuality. This may not happen as often now, but it has in the past. You are right, only a psychologist or therapist specializing in sexual addiction can diagnose her boyfriends problem. I based my assumption on the things she had wrote in her post. But you are right, I really dont know what extent of behavior it takes to validate an addiction.
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replied May 22nd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Saying that homosexuals do engage in heterosexual sex is the same as saying that you own a red bicycle that is entirely blue. Not engaging in heterosexual sex is the defining characteristic of homosexuality.
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replied May 23rd, 2010
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Wolf,
I guess I must be confused. One of my girlfriends was married to her husband for 10 years. She had two beautiful children with him. His job required him to travel alot. Eventually after the sexual relationship became less and less she suspected he was having an affair. She confronted him and the truth came out. He was having an affair but with a man. They mutually agreed on a divorce. After the separation he moved in with his partner. So is this man heterosexual or homosexual? He has been with his male lover for several years now. How would you define this situation?
Cindy
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replied May 23rd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
He would be neither. Just as homosexuals are defined by their abstinence from heterosexual sex, heterosexuals are defined by their abstinence from homosexual sex. Persons who engage in sex with both genders are referred to as bisexual.
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replied May 25th, 2010
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Cindyelli57


That guy your friend was married to would be bi-sexual or whatever title he is choosing to identify with. I wouldn't waste my time arguing the facts that you clearly see a different way than another person. I agree with you hopelessly in love should leave this man alone before he gives her a gift that keeps on giving. It is not normal for a guy to send other guys messages of him masturbating until he cums. This is a homosexual act he is at least bi-curious. Plus this guy may love her but, he obviousely don't put much value in her feelings. Unless you count the fact he tries to hide what he does. Before you can love someone else you have to love yourself. Letting him run all over her and do what he wants and feel guilty when she catches him is not loving herself. She may need some counseling for herself to see why she would stay with someone who is obviousely hurting her emotionally.
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replied May 25th, 2010
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gotaquestion,

Thank-you, you are absolutely correct, I'm not going to waste my time arguing facts. Some of us see things in black and white and others can see the grey areas.
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