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Preventing a boner

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Hi. I'm 17 and I recently started dating with a friend of mine (we will be together for a month on 8/9/0Cool.

While this might be a bit embarrassing to say, I was a pervert. Not the kind of pervert that feels girls in the subway, but the home-porn kind of pervert.
Since i have been with my girlfriend i stopped masturbating and watching porn (before i got together with her i masturbated quite often).

Yesterday night we went to a club with some other friends. Whenever i was with her, I'd get a boner, but if she moved away to be with her friends, or going to the bathroom, I'd settle down! We haven't moved past kissing yet, and this is happening to me!

I've tried to prevent this from showing by using tight boxers (to prevent my penis to "pop" out). So far this has worked, but some friends have been organizing a beach party, and i'm terrified I get a boner in the beach, because this time i won't be able to hide it!

Is there anything i can do to stop this from happening?
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First Helper cvv
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replied September 6th, 2008
Natural. Everything you describe is natural. There is nothing perverted about watching porn or masturbation. That is natural. There is nothing wrong with being aroused by your girlfriend. You have an attraction! You and your girlfriend are early in your relationship and your exploration has just begun. Your body is simply anticipating further exploration. Don't allow that to drive you towards pressuring her. Good things come in due time. If you want to make it a little easier to calm down then you should pick back up your regular sexual regimen. That means masturbating regularly as you did before. At your age your body is crying out for sexual gratification and you are simply denying yourself by cutting yourself off from your natural need to expel that sexual energy. No matter what you do you are not going to be able to completely stop it from happening. When my wife and I were dating I had a tendency to become aroused when we were making out and instead of trying to hide it I simply made her aware of it. I did so while assuring her that I had no expectations from her in dealing with it but simply that I felt the embarrassment would be alleviated by her being informed and aware of how my body was reacting to our actions. While it may not be as hard for her to hide, her body has natural reactions just as yours does. You may be surprised to find that woman think somewhat similar thoughts and have somewhat similar desires though, in my experience, they are generally less willing to talk about it. As you have more experiences with woman you will realize that they are not as oblivious to these things as you might think.
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replied September 14th, 2013
very misadvising !!

watching obscenity and masturbating aren't natural
(and promoting that is misleading )
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replied September 7th, 2008
tiphat Yep Yep it's all part of growing up.
I am 41 and remember when I was 17, and went through all that.
Not to worry you'll get past that as time goes by. Just try and tell yourself that it's natural and you will start to relax.
If you think about it, then your brain will tell your penis to get hard. Telling your brain that it's no big deal is tougher then it sounds. It just takes time in teaching yourself self control.
As for the beach party coming up wear a thong ( if your not into a butt floss they do have different styles) This might help in keeping it down.
Good Luck.
Chow -
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replied September 7th, 2008
Pornography and masturbation sets you up for unrealistic expectations. The less you do that, the less problems you'll have with your body expecting it from your girlfriend. Of course, sexual attraction is a normal part of relationships and not something you can simply will away. You can choose your actions when you are with her, though, and avoiding porn and masturbation will help to do so.

Just look at David Duchovny in the news right now. All the articles say the exact same thing. The number one rule in treating sex addicts is to cut out the porn, masturbation, casual sex with strangers or prostitutes, and then to limit or eliminate access to all of them. They recommend not being left alone (men with this problem should share a room with another male co-worker when traveling.) Translating this to a teen's life, don't go off alone with her or on your own where you'll be tempted. The beach with friends is a wonderful outing! When you need to, put a towel over yourself or jump into the water. You can wear your tight boxers under your baggy swim shorts, too. I see plenty of young men doing that today.

In the mean time, enjoy the friendship and conversation and food and fun and don't let this control your life. Find a book or watch a TV show or read an article or learn a skill that you can discuss or show when you get together.
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replied September 7th, 2008
SwizzleStick wrote:
Pornography and masturbation sets you up for unrealistic expectations. The less you do that, the less problems you'll have with your body expecting it from your girlfriend. Of course, sexual attraction is a normal part of relationships and not something you can simply will away. You can choose your actions when you are with her, though, and avoiding porn and masturbation will help to do so.


You are only setting up unrealistic expectations if you raise pornography to a level of reality and create an expectation of that for yourself. I think most people can differentiate between what people are like on television and what people are like in real life. Also, great sex is not an unrealistic expectation for everybody. Some people do indeed have great sex that lives up to their expectations.

Pornography has been around as long as human artistic history. Regardless, pornography and masturbation are two different things and one is not required to have the other. Masturbation certainly provides the sexual relaxation needed to avoid the arousal this person is concerned about for some people.

SwizzleStick wrote:
Just look at David Duchovny in the news right now. All the articles say the exact same thing. The number one rule in treating sex addicts is to cut out the porn, masturbation, casual sex with strangers or prostitutes, and then to limit or eliminate access to all of them. They recommend not being left alone (men with this problem should share a room with another male co-worker when traveling.)


Not everyone that drinks alcohol is an alcoholic. Not everyone that has ever dropped quarters in a slot machine is addicted to gambling. These are people who can't control themselves. Masturbation is not necessarily a lack of control. I believe the contrary holds true for most people. I think this is something that people generally manage and fit into their lives in a healthy way. It provides stress relief, pleasure, and it is a completely safe sexual expulsion with no risk for disease or conception. For a teenager this is a much better way to release that sexual energy then the alternatives. Being a teenager is difficult enough without being made to think that masturbation is wrong and perverted. It's something people do as naturally as they eat, sleep, and breathe. People learn to do it without any need to be taught or any need for guidance. Many people begin masturbating before they even develop sexual awareness.

SwizzleStick wrote:
Translating this to a teen's life, don't go off alone with her or on your own where you'll be tempted. The beach with friends is a wonderful outing! When you need to, put a towel over yourself or jump into the water. You can wear your tight boxers under your baggy swim shorts, too. I see plenty of young men doing that today.


Someone who is not mature enough to control themselves and make rational decisions while alone with someone of the opposite sex is not mature enough to date. This person has already shown that level of maturity by coming here and expressing his need to suppress his arousal. He is aware that he is aroused and would seem to have no intention of acting on that arousal as hiding it would be contrary to pursuing satisfaction of it with his date.

This person came here asking for real-world advice for a real-world problem. If he came asking about the same problem 10 years from now I would provide the same opinions I have here. I think people are less likely to take your suggestions into consideration when you talk to them as if they can't or shouldn't understand the whole picture. He is old enough to come here and ask for help so he is old enough to get an answer without being told what the "right thing for a teenager to do" is.
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replied September 7th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
i would have to agree with mwoodj...I dont think you should stop masterbating just because you've picked up a gf..you shouldn't feel guilty about it either...also, everyone knows porno is completely staged and unrealistic but as mwoodj said that doesn't mean that great sex is unattainable...its natural for you to have the urges as he said..so long as she isn't pressured in any way to fullfill them...my boyfriend and I used to get really turned on in make out sessions before we became physical...he made it pretty clear that he was really turned on haha and I liked it, made me feel good, but at the same time..he got sent home quite a few times to...take care of himself lol....you've been dating for what a month? the urge is definitely going to be there...just take care of yourself until the two of you are ready to move into a physical relationship(and use protection!!! Smile )
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replied September 7th, 2008
It is a fact that teenagers have a lot of hormonal pressure to have sex, on average have unrealistic expectations of sex based on media portrayals, and do not have the mental maturity to match their sexual maturity until approximately age 22-25, as it stands right now. Study after study as well as anecdotal advice shows this to be true, which science hasn't figured out despite the evidence of puberty beginning sooner and laster longer, placing teenagers in a sexual limbo for a much longer time.

In no way does this mitigate the maturity this man has shown here in asking a straight-forward question, which I believe deserves a straight-forward answer. I don't want to argue over issues the medical community can't agree on and lose him and the practical advice he was seeking in the process. He wanted to know how to avoid having an erection in front of his girlfriend and I gave my advice on how, which including thoughts and activities that are not related to sex, practical advice on how to physically avoid it, and advice on how to keep it from being noticeable or from worrying over it if it happens. I know many young men who would give the same advice, which is plenty of endorsement for me to know how it works in the real world.
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replied September 7th, 2008
Extremely eHealthy
just because you have these urges doesn't mean you're going to act on it with another person..i think masterbation is certainly healthier than fulfilling these urges by becoming sexually active too early..i agree that at that age you probably aren't mentally mature enough to be having sex and dealing with the consequences..however i think telling a 17 year old boy not to masterbate is definitely unrealistic...also, activities related or unrelated to sex probably wont help haha..he's a 17 year old boy, they can be playing cards in the living room and i'm sure eventually his mind will wander..its only natural...maybe masterbating in the morning will help this situation? so you are satisfied for most of the day
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replied September 7th, 2008
Thanks everyone for all the replies! I'd like to say that I don't want to rush her to do anything, even though I think of we getting there, I certainly wouldn't force it on her.
And I'm certainly not addicted at masturbating (since I spent this last month almost without masturbating).

I'll take mwoodj and worrywart01's suggestions and start masturbating again (oh! the sacrifice! Razz) but I wont mention my boners to her, not for now at least.

Again, thanks a lot for the replies, even if i can't control it when i'm with her, at least they helped me change my mentality!
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replied May 25th, 2012
I am 17 and have been dating for well over a year now, and I firmly believe that pornography does not help. Though I have little experience in that regard, my tests to see if this would help failed. I believe that since one does separate reality and pornography, any benefits from one do not help with the other.
On the other hand, masturbation could help. Having never tried it, I probably wouldn't be the best person for advice. However, since masturbation is a form of sexual release, it should help prevent a boner. I would still urge you to exercise restraint in doing so, as some people I know are borderline addicted to it.
Also, I would not broach the subject with your girlfriend. most people outwardly say masturbation is wrong, regardless of the reasons for it. Unless you feel she would accept that, I would avoid mentioning it.
Most importantly, avoiding these feelings is easiest to do by varying what one does. If you constantly make out, hug, etc. then the boners will only get worse. If you instead enjoy time in each other's presence, without much physical contact, your body will (most likely) learn to calm itself. I have found this to be the best method.
Hope that helped!
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