Honestly, self-confidence, whether you are too skinny or too overweight is the key to some easy self-satisfaction. When you watch movies with, for example, Queen Latifah, who has a very curvy and larger-than-life body with curves, do you say, "ew"? Or do you envy her beauty and talent?

You choose the type of person you want to portray. Good luck.

On the same vein, when relapsing, is it possible to be conscious of what you are doing to yourself yet want it anyway? Like, for example, I was looking at myself in the mirror one day at my exercise class, and decided I needed to lose a little weight because I didn't like the fact that my butt and hips were getting so big. I know that in any case in comparison with some one else, I probably don't look chunky, but i still worry that i do. So, I decided I should lose a few pounds before my boyfriend came home from college, andi mmediately somewhere in my mind a bell went off, "This is your eating disorder. Just embarace it and be sick." And it's like that's what I've been trying to do ever since, but I feel completely invalidated because I feel like I know exactly what this is, an illness, and yet I'm running towards it head on without abandon, and anything I can do to make myself sicker is what i need to do. It scares me...but I feel like this is what I CHOOSE and i know that it's sick. Has anyone else ever experienced feelings like this before?

Yes, this is where I am at right now. Honestly, I feel like I am choosing ED despite knowing where it leads. And yes, I know it is just the illness and that I should say no, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. ED is telling me that it is what I need right now and I am listening. Don't get me wrong, I still fight back, but I don;t want to anymore. I want to let ED win again. It has been a year since my last relapse but I am willing to give that progress up.