I think that i have it. Over the last few years I've been having these episodes of rage where I'd just lash out the ones i care for the most without any control whatsoever. Do to those episodes, I've lost so many good people in my life and i pretty much lack a social life due to it. I think i'm just afraid of lashing out at the innocent.

Around this time time last year, I've been having some intense crazy episodes with friends where i would just argue with them and say hateful things and someone feel i guess..entertained by it? But a couple days later i'd feel like caca and apologize like crazy. I started telling them i had this other side that was beyond my control, and i guess they would understand and joke about it to make me feel better. Eventually i went too far and one some of those friends just got fed up and left me behind. Not so long after i got involved with someone romantically and it was going well. At some points, something would trigger me and i would just threaten to dump them and just call them out on everything they've done wrong, etc. Then the next morning i would call and apologize, not being able to explain what happened.

Sorry if that sounded confusing, i was just venting straight from what i can recall. Hopefully some of you can point me in the right direction.