Hey.

I am a teenager and I am suffering from severe sadness. At first I thought it might be depression, but then I get in randomely happy moods. This has been going on for a while, but significantly worse in the last four months. It's like I can cry, but there is this constant dark cloud over my head. Although undiagnosed, I have suffered from anxiety for a few years as well.

It's particularity bad because I feel like I brought this on....even in my early childhood I would purposely point out negatives to feel sad to get attention. I think it might have been because I am an only child and I felt neglected. Even now, I feel like a control freek and I guilt people all the time about their faults to get my way, and I know that's really low.

It's weird because before this, I never let my negative thoughts get out of hand. I was fairly happy with only spells of this saddness. I don't know if I am "choosing" this path now because now I get it when I don't want to feel this way. I am distancing myself from friends and I feel like i'm being very cruel to my boyfriend. And then other times, I'm really happy for no real reason.

My boyfriend is everything I ever wanted. And yet though my horrible moods...I am hurting him and our relationship. When I feel upset, I start doubting how long it will last, and it's hell. He is trying to be supportive but I feel like my moods are driving him away and it kills because I feel like I can't stop it. My bad moods are affecting his moods too, and this is not good at all.

I think the best idea is to see a doctor or couselor about it, but I defenatly will refuse to go on meds (if it turns out to be bipolar) because I have heard about all the bad side effects. And then I feel a bit better, and i never get help. I have also just started on birth control (3 months), and i've noticed that since then i've been on it my moods are more severe.

I don't know exactly what to do; I feel unmotivated and dead. I know if I don't do anything I could lose this relationship. I know I would feel more "in love" if I was happy. I used to be a very happy, full of energy, dreamy person. I feel like I have no interest in my usual hobbies and I sometimes feel numb and emotionless towards my boyfriend. This is hell.

Please share any advise you may have...I would really appreciate it. I don't want to ruin something so good; it's not worth it.

Thankyou for your time