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Possessive husband? or does he just love me to much?

Hey everyone.. First of all i want to thank anyone in advance who has taken the time to read this.. i will keep it as short as possible but i also want to begin with a brief rundown on the history of our relationship. Basically my husband Tom and i got togather when i was 22 (i have now just turned 25 and he is 30). I met him through mutual friends and he always made a show of his feelings for me but i wasnt interested and told him this on many occasions.. told him i didnt feel for him in that way and never would. Then i had a death in the family and was very upset for a long time.. then a group of us went away for the weekend with him and i being very close but still only friends.. a week after that he took me out for a meal and we shared a kiss that evening and i started to wonder had i made a mistake by not giving him a chance, a week after that he surprised me with a holiday in the Dominican Republic and two months later we were engaged with a wedding booked for just a year and a half away .. so here i am married now 6 months ago it all sounds lovely apart from alot of things that no1 close to us sees.. for example one week after we got engaged it was my birthday we were on a night out And he accused me of being at the toliets for to long put his had down my pants and accused me of being with someone else as I was appartently very “wet down there” the argument then continued onto the next day where he accused me of having some1 round to my parents house as he heard a male voice in the back round and was convinced I was cheating but the voice he heard was my dad!! That was at the very start of our relationship and from that there has been lots of instances like that i.e accussing me of being with his friends, asking what invisible “white stuff” was while we had sex, asking why I was dressing up for work, asking my in front of my friends why I had a hole in my trousers, ruined a holiday we had has he was so possessive over me and it came to the point when I didn’t go to the bar to even order a drink incase people a man talked to me and most recently I had a friend stay over while he was working nights and when he came home he inspected the head board the next morning and frowned so when I asked him what was wrong he acted like I had imagined him doing this and said there was something wrong with me, also one evening on the only evening I have been out without him I arrived home and we had sex.. afterwards he went to the toliet and asked me why his hands smelt of rubber and implying I had had sex and used a condom, a few days ago we were out again and I was in the toliet with my friend for what he thought was to long accused me of cheating and when I woke up the next day he had my bags packed but later claimed he didn’t want me to go and laughed it off as a “love hate thing” I just don’t think all this is normal I suppose before the wedding I either turned a blind eye or was brain washed in some way. I cant even go to my friends house for a coffee or he is off with me and its just not worth it but when tell him hes parioniod he says theres nothing parioniod about him so then I am confused as I have never been unfaithful to him during or before our marriage.. In other ways he is a good man he loves me, is very hard working and is always thinking of us and what we need for the house etc but he is always on my back and I am now taking anti depressants and having counciling although he dosnt know about the counciling
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First Helper vickibabe1234
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replied March 28th, 2012
Experienced User
Wow. This man is obviously highly possessive and a bit obsessive. It sounds like you were rushed into this relationship/marriage as well, and maybe you weren't ready for it to begin with. Think back to when you two were friends. What made you fall for him? Did you even fall for him at all? 2 months of dating is a very short amount of time to know you want to be married. I'm not saying it can't work out, but if you had dated this man for a longer period of time,perhaps you would've learned his faults more and decided he wasn't the man for you. The first year of dating itself is called the "honeymoon period", and usually before marrying officially, people see no faults in their significant other, or don't see who they truly are until they are married and living together. Perhaps this is what happened to you, especially since you two dated for such a short time. Talk with your husband. Tell him immediately that you feel uncomfortable with the way he's treating and restraining you. Not being able to enjoy time with friends or go out at all withouthim being suspicious is ridiculous. You have a voice, and you've gotta use it. Hope this helped and good luck.
Lylan
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replied March 29th, 2012
Hey Lylan

Many thanks for your reply Smile You ask me what made me fall for him and if im honest i dont know if i did.. i love him ofcouse but i dont think i was ever in love with him and even before my wedding i had serious doubts but then i just got caught up in the whole thing and i was happy dont get me wrong but i just wasnt happy enough..I remember the first time we kissed and my thoughts were..that was actually okay.. not wow. When we were just friends i was simply not attracted to him and i think thats always been an issue.. perhaps he knows this deep down and this is the cause of why he is like this. He can be very cheeky and blunt and when i suggest hes possessive he point blank says hes not and thats the end of it. I also dont get on with his family and they have always made me feel unwelcome.. He has now asked why dont i go for a few drinks at the weekend with a friend of mine who he really hates and runs down because of her personal life, this is very unlike him as he wouldnt want me going out never mind with her so that is him testing me
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replied March 29th, 2012
replying
Omg if I could put my name on that! I'm living the samething.we've been engaged for about 5 years though.he is very possessive. He's 36 and I'm 26. He asks why I dress for work.he gets mad if I even bring up going anywhere with a gf or even my mom! even though he won't go out.He always checks my phone,voicemail,text,pics,internet,,,every thing. god forbid I go to get a drink or two with anyone without him,but I try to push him to go out(he used to always be out)...now he also says go I don't care,which I know he does.
He also packed my stuff but into boxes and I moved out for like a week.then we made up kinda and I moved back.
He tells me he's not happy ends up cuz we don't have enough sex.he says 3 times a month isn't enough.we used to have sex like 4 times a week. Now I'm not attracted to him. I think a lot has to do with how he treats me. And for a while he would say why who are you *ucking because its not me.
He gets jealous if I run into a guy I used to hang with or even go to school with. I had maaany guy friends when weo started talking now I don't talk to 1.I barely have any friends anymore.I used to be very social now I'm opposite.I don't like to even look at anyone in the eyes when I go into the gas station especially if hes sitting in the truck afraid they might say hi and my mouth moves and he can see it and its a ridiculous argument AGAIN.
I have been going through many health problems so u could say since october. Honestly I think its anxiety from my fiance mostly but doctors diagnose vertigo then allergies and now every1 has their hands in the air. I don't think its vertigo from the start. I was so dizzy I couldn't wash my own hair and I couldn't make it to the restoom by myself.
So what I'm getting at is be careful with what your body is trying to say. I'm in the same boat. With your anxiety meds.I don't like to take them but my doc wanted to try me on some. I love him and have 2 kids with him but I can't stand him. I'm trying mostly for my 2 kids under 6, I don't see it happening much longer.my family gets along pretty well with him except my mom since recently.I don't tell her much but she figures it out. Now his family on the other hand is terrible towards me. They would ALWAYS Talked about his ex and bring up her name including having her picture on the wall several times. That was for the first 2years(not once has any of my fam brought up my ex ever!). My fiance finally said something to his fam cuz o was very emotional pregnant with my second 1. We had fam pics done and they would go right next to this ex.

All in all I've tried telling him I can't stand how he's so controlling and jealous and insecure bit it only helped a little now he's stuck on this sex thing. Before it was other stuff. So good luck! We on edges and almost done,Im finally just seeing at work how I should he treated by guys. Instead of making excuses.
with all of this is making me almost fall for this guy that's our vendor and I didn't realize it till he asked me for my # and I blew him off. Now I can't stop thinking about him. My fiance used to tell me he loved me so much and that's why he's like that.Idk if I believe him anymore.I thinly he always has to be right and in control.
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replied November 19th, 2012
This is my life, i go no where and have no life. I go to work and have to come straight home because I am timed. I cannot go anywhere with friends because he tries to find out everything about them and who they talk to and who visits there home etc. I am so miserable. I dont want to have sex with him because of the way he treats me but he tries to use that as why he does what he does because he says he gets no effection but this has been going on for 16 years. I am so tires and i truly cant stand him anymore. I have 3 children with hime and stay for the sake of the kids. Not sure why because he is the same with them. He goes through my phone when i am sleep, argues over wrong numbers and says the person calling is for me if is is a male. Accusses me of all sorts of stuff. I dont know how to get across to him that his actions are making me hate him. He yells, spits in my face, and i am so embarrased of what he has done in the past...he pissed in a cup and dashed it on me before. We go places and i feel like a fool because i dont look anyone in there eyes especially men...i have to look past them or look another way or he will accuse me of looking at them or checking them out. I have no fun when we do go places because you cant talk to him, everything you tell him is turned around into a negative situation which makes you feel stupid for even mentioning it. I literally cannot stand this person anymore.. he complains about sex but he basically has to come at me at which he does all the time and i basically just want it to stop because i cannot get out of my head how he is and what he has done. I dont know what to do. i know i need to leave and just dont have the courage to do it right now but i know it has to be done.
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replied March 29th, 2012
Wow Stormnhail i cant believe some1 is going through a situation like mine.. i really thought i was the only one!! and i know excatly what you mean about avoiding guys eyes when out and about i do the exact same thing esp when in a bar or on holiday.. we went on holiday two years ago and the stuff that went on i cant actually believe im still with him i was 2 scared to go to the toliet/bar and when he fell asleep on a sun bed he accused me of being with waiters in the toliets and now sitting here its like i have just woke up and am seeing all this for the 1st time. Unlike you i have no children so i have no ties to him i have lots of friends and great family so i would be okay im just 2 scared to make that move especially when he convinces me for a while that it is all normal and its me being over sensitive about everything and that it was my fault Sad I would rather not talk to him about all this as its just 2 exhausting and he lets on theres nothing parioniod about him as he dosnt do the big things such as check my phone, emails, dosnt mind me seeing my family etc but he does it in his own way.. hope your okay as i know what your going through Sad
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replied December 2nd, 2012
Oh my, I have had a similar issue with my ex. We had been friends since middle school and started dating at the end of high school. Engaged a year later. Once we started dating he started to get a bit possesive. Didnt like the clothes I was wearing or who I hung out with. Actually talked me into not hanging out with my old friends because they werent "his" friends as well. And I think he was afraid of me leaving him for them.

Anyways he constantly accused me with sleeping with others, yet honestly he was the first person I had ever been with intimately and Im not the type of person to even consider sleeping with another. He has accused me of sleeping with our 45 year old neighbor, and bringing people to his brothers apartment and sleeping with them. His brothers apartment was a couple doors down from us. He just accused me of the most ridiculous things. Could wear shirts that showed to much, because then Id be "looking for attention".

After awhile I started to consider leaving and I told him so. After that things got more physical. He became physically and mentally abusive. Even went further than alot of other abusive relationships.

I didnt want kids, didnt feel I was old enough for that, and we werent married. And because I turned him down, it resulted in him raping me. And I dont know what in gods name made me stay, but I did just that. And 12 weeks pregnant, I tried to leave again. He got physical once again and threw me against the couch bad enough it resulted in me miscarrying.

What Im getting at is a person who loves you doesnt treat you that way. They may think they love you and you may think you love then, but its not real. If you truly love someone, you dont hurt them in any way. You dont mentally abuse them. He may feel like he loves you, but eventually itll dawn on the both of you, that the relationship is just not healthy. And it wont get better. For this to have started so suddenly in the relationship, thats proof right there.

And on a side note. Soon after the miscarriage I contacted my absolute best friend and he helped me get out of the relationship. We are now 2 years married with two beautiful kids, and in a trusting and loving relationship.
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replied December 6th, 2012
He will not change that behavior unless he gets help. He has lots of insecurities and he needs help. Best thing to do is tell him to go see a therapist if he doesn't leave. If a man loves a women he must trust her and he doesn't.
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replied March 20th, 2013
possessive partner
Hi, can someone help me?

My partner cannot join me and my son to dinners/ and lunches with other parents who have kids my son's age, and so he gets very frustrated and possessive when I tell him I'm meeting families. He has just left me as he couldn't take it anymore. Do you think he is too possessive?
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replied May 12th, 2013
I've been with my fiance for 10 years they have not been easy, when i met him he was this quiet spirit God loving 22 yr man. From the begining my family had issues with him he had a son n my parents dint like the fact that he was so young and had a child (he had him at 15) To make a very long story short. That quiet nice man turn into a Monster!! I elope with him a year after we met agains my parents will. And omg the things I have been thru! He is an acoholic porn attic rude manipulative biopolar human being. He never lets me go out with my friends i should say I have no friends because he does not like any one near me. If i go visit my parents that are 10min away his contantly calling me wanting me to come home. I feel im stuck I cabt seem to move foward we have 2 beautiful little girls n they ask why is dad so mean. Its like i see myself drowing but I dnt see nothing to pull me up and rescue me. I work with the public and his contantly acusing me of cheating I have never ever cheated so many nice profecional man have approche me yet Im terrify thinking they are all liars like the one I have at home! Sometimes i feel like I hate man beause they of him. We go to church and I feel good hoping God can change him yet as soon ad we get home his back to his old gruchy self. He resently broke up with me because I went to a dinner with my family and I came home late. Were broken up in diffetent rooms in the same home he wont leave. He makes me feel guilty when I did sbsolutely nothing wrong!!! I need help!!!!
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