Well I couldn't resist the compulsion to look up serial killers on the internet to see try and compare what I'm feeling to them. My doctor tells me this is anxiety/OCD however I am constantly doubting this despite knowing all it is, is anxiety as no serial killer/psychpath has ever been so distressed about their thoughts and been trying to compare symptoms etc.
Well this is gonna be a little private but I want to write about it anyway. I read about sexual motivated lust killers on wikipedia at first I was disgusted by the thought and everytime I had an intrusive thought I checked to see whether I was aroused by the thought. Slowly, slowly I started to have a sort of feeling of arousal which is increasing and now just feels like a tingling feeling that won't go away.
I looked it up online and found out that when someone with OCD is constantly checking whether they are aroused by a thoght they can begin feeling a sense of arousal despite not really being aroused.
I am now worrying I am a bad person and I am some sort of satistic freak because this sensation won't go away no matter how hard I try.
I have even been trying to m*sterbate alternating between thoughts of normal s*x and these intrusive violent thoughts to see whether I get more pleasure from the intrusive thoughts and last night I did get more pleasure so I was so nervous, anxious and was thinking that I have failed at life because I am becoming a satist and will hurt someone and go to jail for the rest of my life and this will put my family through so much pain. Please help how can i get rid of this sensation and thoughts which is ruining my life.
Please tell me this is just OCD/anxiety I don't want to hurt anyone and just want this to go away and this worst thing is I keep on imagining myself enjoying these thoughts. Please help and my doctor is away for two weeks now, I don't know what to do.
I just want this sensation to go away if it did I wouldn't be nervous/Anxious.