please, please help me. bipolar & abusive.

I'm not like most others on here, I am the bipolar and abusive one.
Please give me a moment of your attention, I am really crying out for help. Mostly to those who have been in or witnessed a bipolar relationship. I need your thoughts.

I have the sweetest boyfriend in the world. I was up-front about my disorder from the beginning, and without knowing much about it he accepted this part of me. Our courting days were magical, he is such a natural gentleman. From the first moment we saw each other, it was the kind of love at first sight we BOTH would have laughed at beforehand.

After a solid 9 months dating, he was moving out and we decided he should move in with me. We both had intuitive reservations about this, but it seemed... smart, at the time. We had basically been living together, save for the furniture and stuff. So it didn't seem like it would be too different, plus it would have been wildly troublesome for him to whip up a new place to stay without moving away.

But things got hairy. We fought before he moved in, but the fights got more intense and frequent now that we had nowhere to distance ourselves. My private space is essential to my mental health (due to childhood issues of neglect) and I started resenting the fact he would sit around all day with the apartment to himself while I worked. That's another thing, since we had begun dating I had been funding all his cigarette and food finances for the most part, save for when his mom caved in and sent him money. I'm 23, he's 22 to be clear. I always figured he'd just foot some of my bills. I'll be honest, when I'm in a rut I'll fall back on dependable mom- but he didn't even try to look for a job, the applications he'd get would only gather dust forgotten on some table. That was the beginning of the epic financial stress, and I think I started to lose some respect from him.

Just FYI, I'm not on any medications. I would like to try them and see how they work for me, but I have no insurance, I am well under the poverty level, with nothing better on the job market in this small town.

I became more and more loose with my actions, taking him for granted or being harsh in the heat of the moment. He hardly researched anything on bipolar so we had a lot of hard-hitting fights that might have been avoided if he had given me space to freak out alone, but he never wants to be alone, so it's a foreign process for him. During our arguments, I would feel so strongly but try my best to compromise. However, he is not so good at this- he likes to debate the issue as if there is no perspective, only factual dialogue- getting down to the nitty gritty of definitions, instead of what they collectively mean- and I would talk circles around myself to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion.

But despite being prone to stubborn debate, he is a very non-confrontational man. Sort of a "beta male", who will spoil me endlessly if he could. He really, truly loves me, I have NEVER questioned that. However, he is the type to allow his friends to walk all over him, follow me like a puppy dog, and has not taken one step toward his own goals. I love him with all my heart, enough to become intimate enough with someone (hard for me) and take a good, hard look at my terrible habits or qualities... but I have lost so much respect for him. His faults are all faults of mine I'm trying to change, like smoking cigarettes, watching netflix or playing games during ALL of my free time, never being personally productive or working toward goals. I have such big dreams, and since I was young I've vowed to follow them through to the bitter end, no matter what stands in my way. But now what seems to be standing in my way, is someone I would take a bullet for.

But to be honest, all of this could be worked through. But I've been talking about this for some time now, and he hasn't moved toward any positive changes. I don't want to change him- I feel manipulative enough when I get into awful moods. I abuse him emotionally, rollercoastering his frustration for hours until I come to my senses and apologize. I've become so critical of him, I have to consciously think before I speak or I'll just pick apart everything he does. I don't want to be like this, irritable and cold. Sometimes I make him feel like the luckiest man in the world, giving him total body massages and giving him the best oral sex he has ever imagined, or leaving him love notes and sneaking gifts. Kissing him awake or playing his favorite game all day just for him, looking into his eyes with total admiration. He is such a kind, patient soul. But over time he's become less patient and more fearful of what I'll blow up over next.

It's this that I feel is the burden of bipolars with SOME sense about what they do to those they love. I feel a responsibility to end it, because no matter how much I hurt him, he'll never leave me(unless I cheat or something extreme). I told him once, "If I were one of your guy-friends, and you confided in me our relationship problems, I would tell you to run and never look back". This upset him so much, and I don't blame him. But it's true. I don't want to take advantage of a kind, loyal man... and after all this, I feel torn between my loss of respect and my abusive tendencies. Whichever is the cause, I feel absolutely driven to break up with him. But it feels so strange, so awful. My stomach has been in knots for days, ever since I came to terms with my gut feeling to end it. How can I look him in the face and tell him, "You're wonderful, but we need to move on from each other", or more specifically, "You need to move on from me"?

I try not to get so sad, so hopeless. But it truly feels like I'm destined to be single, I don't know if I have it in me to fall so deeply in love again and cause so much grief. I certainly am not capable of it now, and I'm not one to put someone on the backburner for my sake.

I can't even describe how much this has turned me into a wreck of nerves and anxiety. After a long night of serious thought about my feelings and accepting them, he turned to me and said "I don't know why, but my heart hurts. I have no reason to be, its not like a normal depression, but all of a sudden I'm very very sad."
I almost burst out in tears.

What do you think? Please, please give me brutally honest replies. I feel like I can't continue this relationship with so much guilt (from being so determined to break up) but my gut is so sure it's the right thing. But thinking of waking up without him makes me choke. I've never been so torn, break ups have always been so clear to me.