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please, please help me. bipolar & abusive.

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I'm not like most others on here, I am the bipolar and abusive one.
Please give me a moment of your attention, I am really crying out for help. Mostly to those who have been in or witnessed a bipolar relationship. I need your thoughts.

I have the sweetest boyfriend in the world. I was up-front about my disorder from the beginning, and without knowing much about it he accepted this part of me. Our courting days were magical, he is such a natural gentleman. From the first moment we saw each other, it was the kind of love at first sight we BOTH would have laughed at beforehand.

After a solid 9 months dating, he was moving out and we decided he should move in with me. We both had intuitive reservations about this, but it seemed... smart, at the time. We had basically been living together, save for the furniture and stuff. So it didn't seem like it would be too different, plus it would have been wildly troublesome for him to whip up a new place to stay without moving away.

But things got hairy. We fought before he moved in, but the fights got more intense and frequent now that we had nowhere to distance ourselves. My private space is essential to my mental health (due to childhood issues of neglect) and I started resenting the fact he would sit around all day with the apartment to himself while I worked. That's another thing, since we had begun dating I had been funding all his cigarette and food finances for the most part, save for when his mom caved in and sent him money. I'm 23, he's 22 to be clear. I always figured he'd just foot some of my bills. I'll be honest, when I'm in a rut I'll fall back on dependable mom- but he didn't even try to look for a job, the applications he'd get would only gather dust forgotten on some table. That was the beginning of the epic financial stress, and I think I started to lose some respect from him.

Just FYI, I'm not on any medications. I would like to try them and see how they work for me, but I have no insurance, I am well under the poverty level, with nothing better on the job market in this small town.

I became more and more loose with my actions, taking him for granted or being harsh in the heat of the moment. He hardly researched anything on bipolar so we had a lot of hard-hitting fights that might have been avoided if he had given me space to freak out alone, but he never wants to be alone, so it's a foreign process for him. During our arguments, I would feel so strongly but try my best to compromise. However, he is not so good at this- he likes to debate the issue as if there is no perspective, only factual dialogue- getting down to the nitty gritty of definitions, instead of what they collectively mean- and I would talk circles around myself to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion.

But despite being prone to stubborn debate, he is a very non-confrontational man. Sort of a "beta male", who will spoil me endlessly if he could. He really, truly loves me, I have NEVER questioned that. However, he is the type to allow his friends to walk all over him, follow me like a puppy dog, and has not taken one step toward his own goals. I love him with all my heart, enough to become intimate enough with someone (hard for me) and take a good, hard look at my terrible habits or qualities... but I have lost so much respect for him. His faults are all faults of mine I'm trying to change, like smoking cigarettes, watching netflix or playing games during ALL of my free time, never being personally productive or working toward goals. I have such big dreams, and since I was young I've vowed to follow them through to the bitter end, no matter what stands in my way. But now what seems to be standing in my way, is someone I would take a bullet for.

But to be honest, all of this could be worked through. But I've been talking about this for some time now, and he hasn't moved toward any positive changes. I don't want to change him- I feel manipulative enough when I get into awful moods. I abuse him emotionally, rollercoastering his frustration for hours until I come to my senses and apologize. I've become so critical of him, I have to consciously think before I speak or I'll just pick apart everything he does. I don't want to be like this, irritable and cold. Sometimes I make him feel like the luckiest man in the world, giving him total body massages and giving him the best oral sex he has ever imagined, or leaving him love notes and sneaking gifts. Kissing him awake or playing his favorite game all day just for him, looking into his eyes with total admiration. He is such a kind, patient soul. But over time he's become less patient and more fearful of what I'll blow up over next.

It's this that I feel is the burden of bipolars with SOME sense about what they do to those they love. I feel a responsibility to end it, because no matter how much I hurt him, he'll never leave me(unless I cheat or something extreme). I told him once, "If I were one of your guy-friends, and you confided in me our relationship problems, I would tell you to run and never look back". This upset him so much, and I don't blame him. But it's true. I don't want to take advantage of a kind, loyal man... and after all this, I feel torn between my loss of respect and my abusive tendencies. Whichever is the cause, I feel absolutely driven to break up with him. But it feels so strange, so awful. My stomach has been in knots for days, ever since I came to terms with my gut feeling to end it. How can I look him in the face and tell him, "You're wonderful, but we need to move on from each other", or more specifically, "You need to move on from me"?

I try not to get so sad, so hopeless. But it truly feels like I'm destined to be single, I don't know if I have it in me to fall so deeply in love again and cause so much grief. I certainly am not capable of it now, and I'm not one to put someone on the backburner for my sake.

I can't even describe how much this has turned me into a wreck of nerves and anxiety. After a long night of serious thought about my feelings and accepting them, he turned to me and said "I don't know why, but my heart hurts. I have no reason to be, its not like a normal depression, but all of a sudden I'm very very sad."
I almost burst out in tears.

What do you think? Please, please give me brutally honest replies. I feel like I can't continue this relationship with so much guilt (from being so determined to break up) but my gut is so sure it's the right thing. But thinking of waking up without him makes me choke. I've never been so torn, break ups have always been so clear to me.
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replied June 9th, 2011
Experienced User
Why are you going to break up a relationship with someone you clearly love? You know, one of the Bipolar traits is to break up relationships for no good reason.You can read these posts here and all have some bipolar person breaking up a good loving relationship at some point. My own lovely bF who is BP broke with me twice, he loves me and affirms he doesnt , he comes back loving me, he does not know what he wants.It is so frustating for the person without the illness to lose the person they love for nothings. We are separated at the moment but he is already saying he wants to see me, so actually things are going to be all the same soon. We cannot part.But he tries hard to leave me, however, he cannot. Why try? He doesnt know, he has these feelings like you have that we have to be apart, and he acts on those, he breaks my heart only to think better after and come back to me. Thats what you are doing to your lovely boyfriend.
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replied June 9th, 2011
Have u not tried to find any help with a doc and meds? There are a ton of programs in every state that provide help to with bipolar. Most of the time this is free! Getting on some meds will get yr head together so maybe u can think a little more clearer!
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replied June 9th, 2011
Experienced User
I agree w/Reggiane....I was in a realtionship in which the fool broke up with me over 19 times. If you love him....hang in there and ride out the storm(s)...it's what being in a relationship is about....caring and loving for another.

Reggiane wrote:
Why are you going to break up a relationship with someone you clearly love? You know, one of the Bipolar traits is to break up relationships for no good reason.You can read these posts here and all have some bipolar person breaking up a good loving relationship at some point. My own lovely bF who is BP broke with me twice, he loves me and affirms he doesnt , he comes back loving me, he does not know what he wants.It is so frustating for the person without the illness to lose the person they love for nothings. We are separated at the moment but he is already saying he wants to see me, so actually things are going to be all the same soon. We cannot part.But he tries hard to leave me, however, he cannot. Why try? He doesnt know, he has these feelings like you have that we have to be apart, and he acts on those, he breaks my heart only to think better after and come back to me. Thats what you are doing to your lovely boyfriend.
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replied June 9th, 2011
I have spent the past 3 or 4 months mulling over these feelings because I didnt want to be impulsive. This isn't a breakup over nothing... did you read my entire post? :/

Its not just the fact I hurt him and Im tired of hurting him, there are other factors. Just because I love him, we my just not be compatible. And just because Im bipolar, doesnt mean you can stick me in a box with all your boyfriends or girlfriends.

Yes he's wonderful. But this isnt all over nothing, or I wouldnt have wrote such a massive post....

And, i checked all my opportunities in my state for meds, nothing free. Ive seen a school therapist for as long as I could, and we looked into options. It all costs money I dont have.
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replied June 9th, 2011
Experienced User
I read your entire post.....and I stand firm. If you love someone with all your heart you work through the issues...that is if the other is willing to work through them with you. You have bigger dreams....and you feel as though he is an anchor around your neck.....did I get it right?
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replied June 9th, 2011
Experienced User
Why suddenly he is no good? You call him wonderful. How many men put up with BP behaviour and still can be called wonderful?
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replied June 9th, 2011
it's not that he's no good. besides the bipolar part of our relationship, we ARE going in different directions. do i have to give up all my dreams for love? isnt that flawed? he is wonderful, and i do love him. but my respect for him is dwindling because of his own issues he wont face, and because of that ive become more carelessly abusive when im cycling. he isn't an anchor around my neck- he's here beside me, but where im headed isnt here.

i appreciate all of your feedback, im just saying its a little different than what you guys expect or assume.
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replied June 9th, 2011
Experienced User
Yes Reggiane....I agree....BP individuals have real issues when it comes to relationships.
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replied June 9th, 2011
What state r u in?
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replied June 10th, 2011
Experienced User
Why are you asking what state I currently reside in? I'm not sure this has any relevance regarding this post/discussion.

bipolar73 wrote:
What state r u in?
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replied June 10th, 2011
I dont know what state doesnt help with meds thats y! Sorry for trying to help was just going to give some names numbers of resources. Good luck!
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replied June 10th, 2011
i dont know guys. im trying to be open here but your words just feel insulting. chris, it feels like i should take your words with a grain of salt because you seem very bitter towards bipolars. reg, i see where youre coming from but youre communicating with hostility so your advice is lost on me. i find that its difficult to find any support or advice online, because more bipolar sites are leaning toward those affected by bipolar relationships. understandable, but mostly in the search for a good site all i've found is discrimination. so... thanks for the effort, but i dont think you guys have any intention of helping me, just cutting me down.

if anyone else has something to say, i'd be delighted. or if you guys would like to take a step back and come at this with a more open heart.
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replied June 10th, 2011
Experienced User
I believe you should try to work this out with him....is that too hard to understand? You have stated you love him but have gorwn apart due to wants/needs/desires. If you can't work it out with him then by all means move on however I believe one should explore all options before throwing in the towel when love is involved.
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replied June 10th, 2011
Experienced User
Oh...ok....I'm not the one with Bipolar issues.....but thanks for the offer.

Chris


bipolar73 wrote:
I dont know what state doesnt help with meds thats y! Sorry for trying to help was just going to give some names numbers of resources. Good luck!
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replied June 10th, 2011
thanks chris, i see what you mean. maybe i should take a step back and spend more time re-evaluating. to be honest, since ive known i was bipolar i haven't had any serious relationships. my first real, serious relationship ended poorly, however by a stroke of luck we're still good friends. since him (and for 5 years or so) i've been on a long journey by myself. i grew up alone, being alone is comfortable for me. hurting other people is really hard for me to cope with, and being so intimate with someone is difficult to navigate. for me, it almost seems like a true love for someone is to deny them a life of pain with you... maybe thats just waxing poetic but i wouldnt wish this life on anyone. i know its hard, dealing with bipolar people in your relationships, but its hell inside of you when youre the one causing all the chaos. i would give anything to make it stop.
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replied June 10th, 2011
Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet? - L. M. Montgomery (1874-1942)

What is this to with bipolar?

Don't worry - I am NOT suggesting that the beloved Canadian writer Lucy Maud Montgomery was manic depressive, or that her delightful character Anne Shirley from the Anne of Green Gables books was even the softest of soft bipolars.

However, I DO LOVE the concept "there are no mistakes in tomorrow".

It belongs in quotes on bipolar because bipolar people know better than most the true meaning of regret and have a strong need to believe in the miracle of a new beginning.

The psychiatrist who finally correctly diagnosed me used to say it to me all the time when we first met and I was suicidally depressed: "there are no mistakes in tomorrow". Eventually the power of this concept sunk in - these words really did change my life! They instiled courage and optimism in me again. This will always be my favorite of the many fascinating quotes.
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replied June 10th, 2011
Experienced User
I do understand what you're saying however I truly believe you are capable of true love and capable of a long lasting relationship. It will be work but the rewards of having a loving and caring person in your life is priceless.

oreides wrote:
thanks chris, i see what you mean. maybe i should take a step back and spend more time re-evaluating. to be honest, since ive known i was bipolar i haven't had any serious relationships. my first real, serious relationship ended poorly, however by a stroke of luck we're still good friends. since him (and for 5 years or so) i've been on a long journey by myself. i grew up alone, being alone is comfortable for me. hurting other people is really hard for me to cope with, and being so intimate with someone is difficult to navigate. for me, it almost seems like a true love for someone is to deny them a life of pain with you... maybe thats just waxing poetic but i wouldnt wish this life on anyone. i know its hard, dealing with bipolar people in your relationships, but its hell inside of you when youre the one causing all the chaos. i would give anything to make it stop.
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replied December 7th, 2012
I am going through the exact same thing.accept for the living situation part.my boyfriend and i are still studying . currently he is aay on an exchange programme for a year . we have been together for 3 years and we both learned that i have bipolar after a year dating . I have broken up with him so many times .I get really mad and say mean stuff n i hurt myself (cutting , pop pills ) which puts him in so much pain and then when i;m ok and back to my senses i regret it so much and feel terrible about it . when those times where i get really upset i just loose it and turn into someone else and i say things , when he is a such a lovely guy . now i keep getting him to end things with me just like you said earlier about feeling like that is the right thing to do but he still wouldnt end things with me . he doesnt say much too but he just remains calm n cool but i can't put him through all this . it is not right . ah i thought i wos going thru this problem alone and here you are Sad this bipolar is causing so much damage to my life .
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