Please can someone help me. I dont know what to do. The whole world seems so difficult and I just feel like I cant cope with living. Everythjing is an effort and I know its not meantto be tthis hard. whatever they say I know that no one understands how I feel and not everyone feels like this. I feel like I've got a split personality and that there's always this war going on in my head about what to do and about what I actually think. I can see the effect its having on those around me, and its destroying me knowing that I am the cause. I dont know what to do, the drugs and the therapy arent helping and I dont want to keep trying. I cant cope with having to deal with all the problems ainside my head as well as carrying on with the other stuff that normal students have to cope with. I cant carry on with this feeling of wanting to kill myself every few days. I just want somebody to be able to tell what is actually wrong with me becuase I feel like this is something more than depression. This isnt right. I hatemyself, honestly and truely I think that I am a burden on everyones shoulders. I dont want someone to sit there and tell me how to deal wityh feeling like this because I just dont want to have these feelings in the first place. i would never kill myself becvause I could not do that to the people I love. but after exhausting all otyher options I just cant see another way out. i know that i'll be fine soon and that this phase will pass, but there's always that darkness there knowing that I'm going to feel like this again in a couple of days. it always comes back. And each time it feels like this time its never going to end. How am I meant to explain it to my family or boyfriend or a therapist if I dont even understand it myself. i just want to be happy. I just want to be like every one else and not feel likee this anymore. Relaxation therapy is not going to help me and talking to people is not going to help me. Yes maybe it will stop me from ending up in hospital but its not making the feelings go away. I cant bring myself to see good in the world when it seems like everything I touch just gets worse. Everyone would be better off if I wasnt here and me talking to people is just utterly selfish because there is nothing they can do to make me begtter. I so desperately want to get better so that Rob doesnt have to put up with me anymore. I can hear the strain in his voice that he's having to go through this with me again. I just dont know what to do. There is absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel and after having tried everything that ive been told to do i just dont want to try any more. It makes me feel pathetic and worthless having to ask for help but I did it anyway. I did it and still nothing is getting better. I still want to end my life. I still cant cope. And I still hate everything about myselkf. I dont just want to sound like a stupid teenager who says it to get compliments. I dont want compliments. I dont want somebody to tell me otherwise because i know that they are wrong. Whether or not they think that they are right is irrelevant. they mnay have their reasons for thinking otherwise but that is just becuase i have manipulated them into thinking so. I choose what those people think and i know that. This is why I cant believe them when they tell me I am wrong. Because they dont know me better than me. I know what kind of person I am and I know that I am not a nice person. I know that I think terrible things and the fact that I want top kill myself and put the people that I lkove through so much pain makes me a terrible person. worse than anybody else I know. Im just fed up of all the mixed messages. People say that Im selfless for not sharing my problems because i dont want other people to worry about me, whereas other people say that its being selfish by not letting other people help me and by suffering in silence. if one person could make me believe that sharing my problems is a good thing to do then i would but I dont believe it and Im not going to do it. I have seen the effect this problem has on other people. Ive seen the fear in their eyes when I tell them what I want to do and the things that go through my head when in this state. Its terrifying, but if i can make them think that im fine then they dont need to worry at all and they think im getting better and everybody is happy becasue the solution was easy and all the problems have disappeared. and half the time I believe that too, which is why I feel like there is two different people, one person believes the same same old bull that everyone elsebelieve whereas this partof me knows that none of it is goingaway and that there is nothing that can be done because its a part of me that cant be fixed and that im just faulty. i just dont want to feel like this anymore. i know that there is nothing that can be done but the thoguht of feeling like this for the rest of my life is soul destroying and it saps the life out of me because i have nothing to look forward to in life. i hate this part of me. the other person is paranoid and jealous and lots of other bad things but at least she has a light at the end of the tunnel and something to live for. thats the pafrt of me that stops me from killing myself when i feel like this. but when i feel like this, i hate that part. because its stupid and naive. im not getting better and i should convincing myself and everyone else that it is getting better. i dont want help, i dont want anyone, i want things to go back to how they were when no body knew and i could keep my serets to my self and no one would try and help me. because thats when people get hurt and the problems arise.
The normal part of me is coming back now as i start to calm down and along with it comes the shame and embarrassment. Its horrible knowing that i just broke down on the phone to Rob and let him see that side of me. i dont want anyone to ever see it. its so embarrassing that i cant deal with life like everybody else can. and most of all it makes me angry, becuase eventually i calm down, but then i still have deal with the repercussions of the things that were said and done when i was in that state. thats why ii like to be left a lone. because that way no one else is hurt by the horrible part of me that comes out when i get upset. no body should have to go through that and i feel terrible that anybody else has to witness it especially those who are closest to me.
Im so desperate for some help and I have no idea what to do. I am at a complete loose end and there are no more options for me to take. I dont see where I can go from here because Im just feeling the worst I possibly can. I need help. I need a magic cure that can just make it all go away because I am fed up of trying, its just not fair that I have to deal with this illness and nobody else is. everyone else has time to worry about things like exams and other things which are normal to be worried about. I just need things to be easier. I need something to give because i cant handle the strain at the moment and its really starting to take its toll.I dont know what to do. I need somebody to tell me what to do and I need something to start happening now because im just losing the will to carry on trying.