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PLEASE help me get out of an abusive relationship!!

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January 31st, 2010
I'm 22 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. I had known him previously for five years as one of my really good friends, but NEVER knew there was this side to him; we are also currently in a long distance relationship.

My boyfriend began emotionally abusing me about a month into our relationship. everytime we fought the insults got worse and worse. he has called me every name under the sun (wh*re, sl*t, b*tch, c*nt) etc etc. He has a horrible temper and blows up at me over the stupidest things. His ex girlfriend cheated on him and this is who he blames for his trust and control issues. He interrogates me all the time about my daily activities. if i go out at night i have to phone him when i get home and tell him exactly where i'm going and with who. Our fights have escalated into physical ones before. Altho he is not the only one that gets physical (when he pushes me or hurts me i would sometimes push back or throw things at him), however i have been left with marks and bruises before. Although he has never punched or hit me per say, he has pushed me, wrestled with me, choked my neck before. I find myself feeling constantly anxious all day, worrying that he will get upset with me for one reason or another. I walk on eggshells around him but can't seem to do anything right. I cant even talk to any1 about this, it has been going on for so long and ihave talked to my friends about it so much that they don't want to hear it anymore because it upsets them that i am in the relationship and condoning his actions in a way. We broked up before christmas for a month. We eventually got back into contact and then met up after 6 months of not seeing eachother. he seemed like he genuinely felt like crap without me in his life, and i also really missed him so we decided to see where things went. at the beginning we seemed to be making progress, but the cycle is starting all over again. He has trouble with his dad who he hasnt spoken to for 2 years, and who he recently had another fight with. He is using this as an excuse to take back control. Even tho i have told him im not sure what i want yet, he seems to think its ok to start emotionally abusing me all over again - despite his promises not to.

When we broke up a few months aog he said really horrible things to me, (that he was texting another girl and wanted to have sex with her regardless of whether or not i was still with him). he apologised for saying this but said he was only trying to hurt me so i would break up with him. I have found inappropriate messages from him to friends of his before and although i know he has never cheated on me i just take this as another sign that he doesnt respect me at all, even in private. One minute hes the sweetest guy in the world, the next he is a monster. Although i am beginning to hate and resent him, for some reason i just cant let him go. he was in my life as a close friend for five years, and when i fell in love with him, i fell hard. I kno i should break it off but i dont know how. It seems like all my happiness is pinned on him and its really bothering me. Im not a weak person by any means but he brings all the insecurity out in me. After the cycle of verbally abusing me, calling me stupid, worthless, treating me without respect and not trusting me etc i am beginning to really get depressed, anxious and doubt alot of things about myself. I know he is sick, but he is in denial and everytime i bring up him getting help he gets really angry or ignores it. I just cant seem to get through to him and the whole situation is making me sick. The fact that he is now using his dad as an excuse to restart the power control in the relationship is really bothering me - especially after all i have put up with for him and after being there for him. I am at a really vulnerable phase in my life right now and need to concentrate on more important things, but he is like an anchor holding me down and stopping me from living my life. I feel like he doesnt support me at all and at this point i dont even know what a healthy relationship is.

I need to know how to deal with this. I am prone to depression and given all the other circumstances bringing me down right now, he is the final nail in the coffin which is making me spiral out of control. I'm scared i am going to start harming myself again, and i am very emotionally unstable right now. i feel i have nobody to turn to and the only person i would want to turn to is scaring the death out of me. i just dont understand why i am in love with a monster, and if he is such a horrible person, y is it so hard for me to let him go? surely it should be the easiest decision in the world? at the end of the day, i know it has come down to me or him. altho i care deeply for him, i am genuinely worried about my longterm health if this continues. i dont want him out of my life but i just dont think he is ever going to change, at least not with serious therapy which he will not get under any circumstances. being long distance is also adding unecessary strain to an already bad situation.

Please tell me what to do
and
i would really appreciate if somebody could explain to me what to expect from a normal, HEALTHY relationship with a partner who really cares
im so confused and upset
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First Helper freefly
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chelle17
replied February 11th, 2010
You sound so much like me.... =(. Unfortunatly it only gets worse. I knew my ex for years before we were together...it started out emotional. I worry for others I hear about...even you. I cannot tell you it will get physical...but I fear it may. I had suffered from depression, PTSD, and anxiety before I met my ex. He triggered all of that in me again. I felt the same, it came down to me or him. One day I broke I hit him back I screamed I yelled....I became him and that scared him enough to leave me at least temporarily. In that time I found strength in my family, I sought legal aid, and I am working on putting my life together.

Its hard to move on....worrying about him...worrying about what if theripy could fix him.
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chelle17
replied February 11th, 2010
Oh I almost forgot a good book to read is "The verbally abusive man"
It kinda gives insight into him....don't take it in a manner as to pitty him....it also gives cues you might have missed that could help with future relationships.

I wish you all the best.
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J3nnyuk
replied February 11th, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Wow you have been through a hell of a lot and i have to agree with chelle17 it will only get worse if you do not act now...You mention he hasnt physically punched you...well that would be the next stage..then it will be am so sorry it wasnt me something took hold of me...in some rare cases the man can change but he first has to acknowledge that he is the problem and is behaving inappropriately towards you...but by the sounds of your boyfriend he doesnt seem to understand what he is doing is not acceptable...so i would leave now and find yourself someone who is going to respect you..good luck..Jenny
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s162430
replied February 15th, 2010
Experienced User
its different with me sort of, my dad does the same abusive things with me, it definitly sucks b.c its not like i can just break up with my dad. i still dont beilive if im being abused yet, i dont think i am but then i have all the signs. I dont do anything about it b.c idc.....but i have now a personalitly disorder and its sucks because i wondered why i could never connect with friends let alone, i barley have friends. I would reccomend police b.c this is fricken ridiculous, im thinking about it and mabey one day.
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celebritydiscodave
replied February 28th, 2010
Experienced User
I read enough to know that he`s not capable of love, emotion yes, but not love. The only thing to do is escape!
You were good friends for five years - define good? You mean you shared the unconditional love which comes with genuinely close friendships, or, even that the friendship was equal to that you have with your closest female friends, and you were that comfortable - He never got the wrong idea??? Perhaps he was never actually tested first at all? What`s often referred to as friendship with males is actually less than that of genuine and tested friendship - Perhaps because girls too often consider real friendship with a guy to be something set aside for only "relationships"(?)
Find real friendship before even considering a relationship!
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stace_351
replied March 29th, 2010
The longer you stay, the less strength you will have to leave. Just try really hard to be strong and change your number if you have to, you don't want him contacting you trying to crush your confidence or trying to wear you down.
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iknowugotsoul
replied May 8th, 2010
I think you already know what to do and are just trying to get the inner strength to stick with that decision to leave him for good. What''s holding you back is your self-confidence, but the ONLY way self-confidence improves when you''ve been in an abusive relationship is to leave.

Remember this: an abuser slowly destroys your self-confidence with everything they do, so the longer you remain with him the more difficult it becomes for you to find the strength to break it off. Because you are not married to him, sharing a home, finances, have children together, etc., your only commitment is to yourself and your well-being. You seem to know deep down that leaving is the right thing to do, so trust your instincts and don''t look back and don''t second guess yourself.

When you do leave take a few steps to minimize your risk of having him try and manipulate you back into the relationship. Seek counseling to talk through your feelings and have your self-confidence built back up from the inside. Change your cell phone number to prevent him from calling or texting you, as both of those things are forms of control for him - even if you don''t respond to him, he knows you see them and that gives him a sense of power and the hope that he can eventually win you back through sheer persistence. By changing your number he loses that ability and it makes it far easier for you to move on. Finally just believe in yourself and your worthiness as a person. There are so many guys out there who want you for just exactly who you are, with no drama, no games, no abuse. When one comes along and you will know it because a healthy relationship always makes you feel better about YOURSELF.
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freefly
replied August 1st, 2010
i am in a similar situation. i know i should leave but nevertheless, i stay. I think vulnerable women, with low self esteem become accustomed to the drama of a bad unhealthy situation and become used to the scraps of love and affection that are occasionally thrown at us. i know you are scared to leave him. This is because you are looking back to the start of the relationship which was good. But he wasnt being real.The love you felt was crested by his facade. the real person hadnt come out. You are also grieving for the relationship you wanted and some part of you is hoping it will turn out ok. Im sorry to say but unless you can love him for who he is (an abusive man) you would be better to leave him as you cannot change another human being. My advice is not to panic about leaving him. tell yourself and him that you want a "break". Imagine this break to be temporary with no time limit.try to enjoy this time and who knows, after a few weeks, your life may have improved a lot and you may have become stronger and decide to leave for good. You have a choice. don't be scared. Try to distance yourself at least temporarily.
A loving relationship should never include name calling such as he ha called you.You should felt safe with your partner.he is meant to be your sanctuary, your refuge.He should boost your confidence, make you feel loved and special. He should be the one person you would go to, in times oftrouble. Ask yourself, if it was the last day on earth, would you want to spend it with him? be true to yourself xx
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