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Permanent Depression, Nothing Helps.

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I feel like a zombie. Nothing phases me, funerals dont make me sad and weddings dont make me happy. Foods dont have taste. Im not sexually attracted to girls or guys. I feel like im not allowed to be happy because nothing can make me happy. Ive been to countless therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists. Ive been on different medications for years. Nothing makes any difference. Im sick of it, i want to smile for myself not put one on to make everyone else smile. I dont know what to do, i dont even know why im posting anything on here because ive given up hope. I dont get along with anybody because nobody finds any interest in me. I do anything for an adrenaline rush because its the closest thing to life i can recognize. I want to die but i dont want to hurt my family. How could death be any different than life? i dont beleive in an afterlife so it would be the same nothingness that i feel now. Just constant emptiness. I dont cry anymore, or cut to bleed. Why bother. I dont do anything to progress my life because why should i try if ill still feel dead anyway. Why me. Ive done volunteer jobs the majority of my life. working with the homeless, the handicapped, and less fortunate hoping to feel something, anything. But i never do. Im lost. I see other depressed people turn to drugs or alcohol but those only make it even worse. How do i feel anything???
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First Helper KMoody21
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replied October 29th, 2010
Treatment-Resistant Depression; An Exasperated Response.
KM, thanks for your honest sharing. I empathize with the feelings you express. I wish I had an answer to offer, but I came here seeking answers myself. What my many years of searching have taught me so far is that the clinical "experts" offer the same pat-answers: try more drugs, different therapists, longer therapy relationships, newer therapies, and working harder to have more positive thoughts (that one gets me the most; I really hadn't thought of that before). But despite these failing (for many of us after decades of continuing to try), the experts still offer the same counsel. Then the self-proclaimed web-experts who don't regurgitate the previous advice point out to us that we feel the way we do because we aren't working hard enough or intelligently enough to feel otherwise. We're responsible for the way we feel. What do you say to that? I've stopped replying. My point? I really feel for you, because it doesn't seem there's a rigorously researched, consistently effective treatment modality out there for those of us who suffer from treatment-resistant depression. I send you sincere wishes for peace...
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replied October 24th, 2013
I don't have answers either. I have had depression for 20 years, since the birth of my daughter. This spell has been going on for 9 months. For me every day is hell, every waking moment. I struggle with every single thought, action or decision. There is no relief. There is no pleasure and no joy. If I felt numb that would be something, but I feel concrete pain all the time - unmoveable. There is no one I know or have ever met, who has this illness as bad as me - there are friends who suffer less intensely or got over it a long time ago. The only people I come across with this severity are online. I am exhausted. I will not give up.
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replied November 20th, 2010
Look Higher
KM,
I think you should pray. After all, what do you have to lose, right? you might be surprised what God could do if you completely let him take control. To be honest, I should be taking my own advice. For some reason, i felt like i should be writing this. I didnt google this for no reason.
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replied December 9th, 2010
depression
even though just imagining over-coming this depression seems impossible, it isnt. you need to be truly honest to yourself and the ones around you. cause if they dont know, or theyre to self absorbed to even realize that your ruining your own life, than it just makes the situation worst. thats what happened to me. im suicidal and i had told my mom years ago that i was feeling depressed so she took me to the doctors for pills (the damn bandaid solution)so i rejected it. so now today is here, surprisingly years later, my mom has given up. she yells at me in that sarcastic voice and says im using it as an excuse. (way to kick me when im down) youd think thered be other ways to love. but anyway, thered be tears down my eyes as shes calling me a lier, im not perfect like her (a part of her suburban fantasy). she wont even bother to google it to try and understand what im going through. she reminds me everyday of my past guilts and regrets every chance she gets.

i hope this kind of helped, or convinced you that your not the only one out there, and well get through this no matter what. cause the people we love whove passed on would be devastated to see us like this, and if anything we should be living life up for them. but these are just words and tomorrow is another agonizing day. ive been trying to fool myself that i dont have this disease for years now, and its just prolonged it.
but in all of us theres that feeling that we know we dont want this for ourselfs anymore, but having that little ounce of hope is whats going to get us threw this time of pointlessness.

even though i can barely hold on, i feel like i have to help another before i can help myself, just like you have to love yourself before you can love another
good luck my fellow ponderers
spread the love & peace

oh and fyi "look higher":
God helps those who help themselves
and depressed people tend to think like atheists

P.S. Moody dont do drugs... it took me miles deeper
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replied June 27th, 2013
More depression
I came here to post my feelings and experiences with depression. After reading some of the other post, I get even more depressed and feel like I will be this way forever. I always try to put a smile on the outside but am dead on the inside. I have been taking depression meds for 9 years now. I get some relief, but it always comes back. Now I take my meds in the morning. I am finding that in the late evenings I start getting depressed and when I get up in the morning I get very depressed and sometimes cry for no reason. This is after 9 years of medications. My medications have changed over the years, but for the past 3 years I take the max amount of the medications that the doc will allow. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia. I take Zoloft, Lamictal, Xanax, respidol. Over the past years, I have gained so much weight and my face has changed. I am now fat and ugly and that makes me depressed. I have no friends, live alone, and rarely leave my home now. No sex drive. I will try and try to eat right and exercise. I will drop 20 lbs and then never drop anymore. If I am not careful, I will gain more back. 20lbs may sound like a lot, but not when you weigh 260. One big side effect other than all the weight is masturbation. That is my only sexual outlet. I watch a few movies and I can get a super erection, but rarely can I make to and ejaculation. Even after 45 minutes. I get too tired and I am still erect.
That adds to my depression as well. So now we have fat, ugly, sexually frustrated. Next, due to my condition, I can not work anymore. I really do not like being around people anymore. Before all of this I was a trainer at a company and was with people all the time. I can not really pinpoint what actually started all of this, but I blame it on a new boss that came in. I was always praised for my training abilities and my results. The new boss humiliated me, and nothing I did was any longer good enough. That is when I started seeking therapy. I did not want to go tho work, I would wish I would have a car accident that would put me in the hospital for weeks so I would not have to work. I went to therapy for 3 months and started taking medications before I got to a breaking point and attempted suicide. After that I have never worked again.
I read about the medications and all say something about weight gain and sexual affects. I tried stopping all the meds so I would get back to normal and that was the wrong thing. I ended up in the hospital, because you can not just stop. You have to be taken off slowly. Well later I tried reducing my dosage. Then all the depression, anxiety, moods, came back. It seemed to be more intense than ever. I would get so mad and lose control, or so sad I would cry, plus I wanted to die.
So I am on the meds which help sometimes and sometimes no. Many of the side affects keep me depressed. Weight, ugly, sex, and no money since I can not work. My doc said I would have to take meds the rest of my life. What kind of life is that?
I just had to write this down. Some of these things said , I would not tell my doc, because it is embarrassing, but here, they are only words and I will never know if they are even read.
I feel a little better. I hate having to live this way and I read many other people are feeling some of what I feel or more.
Most of what the doc says , I have read here. It is easier said than done.
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replied June 27th, 2013
Reply
Try to find "God helps those who help themselves" in the Bible, you cannot because it's not there! The truth is that God helps those that cannot help themselves. God is strong in our weakness, and it is His strength that can change the otherwise impossible. As for the statement "depressed people tend to think like atheists" maybe that's part of the problem? Pray, submit, and follow the commandments of the Creator, and watch your life change.
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replied June 27th, 2013
There is no God. That is man made to make peoplel feel good and guilt.
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replied July 31st, 2013
3 months of depression .... medications do not work, I can not lie to myself any more. i've became nothing,i feel like i've burnt out,I lost a lot of weight and even got older,I am constantly forcing myself to eat but I can't because of anxiety. Sometimes when I walk past the mirror first thing I notice is how ugly im became and my tense and crazy eyes.I think i came to the end of the rope.And day by day it's getting worse,sometimes I just want to jump out of my skin and never come back.I have been depressed in the past but i've never felt so hopeless about myself.The only thing that warms me is the thought of suicide, and the fact that if it gets too unbearable, I can always end it..
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replied October 24th, 2013
Depression is permanent
Just seeing if this works
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replied October 24th, 2013
My depression may be permanent
It's a relief to know other people feel like this but I wonder where they are - I don't spot them when I'm on a busy street. Sometimes though there's an exchange of a look, which says 'I know.'
I'm 55 now and I've got a combination of chronic depression, deep seated, and depression laid over that which is a reaction to things going on. I've been unemployed for 9 months, my son who is 23 is a huge worry and he's displaying signs of the effects of his childhood, when I was trying to cope on my own with my children. I've been diagnosed with Crohn's disease which haa a complication of inflamed pelvis. I can't take the medication because it made my hair fall out. I have a shoulder injury, also about 9 months which means I can't dance, swim or do yoga which are things I always enjoyed. Oh and the inflamed pelvis means I can't cycle. My house has subsidence and I'm not sure if the insurance company will pay. I get no benefits as I have a little savings and the DWP (I'm in the UK) expect you to use all of it up. I'm single.
As far as medication goes, I've just stopped taking mirtazapine (zispin) tailing it off very slowly as I was on anti-depressants for 20 years, and thought - I am now experienced enough process the pain. I'm taking chinese meds for the Crohns and the depression - I'm not sure yet how effective it is but it's worth a try.
I agree with Sarah although I never thought I'd say this - why not pray, you've got nothing to lose. If you live near a church, synagogue or mosque with nice people, you can go along even if you don't believe in God. You don't need to tell anyone and it's a distraction, which is always good.
K Moody I can't believe people wouldn't find you interesting, as you're very perceptive and cut through the crap. And NW I too have completely lost faith in the health system - they have absolutely no answers for this terrible illness, but they carry on with the same old rubbish.
I got a brief sense of relief yesterday when I thought about the possibility of never getting better. There's a lot of pressure as NW says to train yourself out of depression by constantly throwing positive thoughts at yourself - it's so exhausting. I'm never going to give up completely as I won't give it the satisfaction. I don't know though, that I will ever be well again. I feel like saying 'bring it on - what else are you going to do? There are some moments I feel unconq
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replied October 24th, 2013
That was meant to read unconquerable!
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