It's a psychosis, like any other day of the week, though it's composed of some long-held components, put together for the first time in a way that makes some new sense;
Peripheral neuropathy exacerbated by the microscopic world, that's what "ghost bugs" are. And in the 25 years I've been seeing the microscopic world, against my will, this house, in Oakland California, is the most horrific microscopic environment I've ever been in, it's the incredible infestation of bird mites, so thick they darken the rooms, so frenzied they drool;
So I'm not disagreeing with my doctors, that it's a psychiatric disorder. I'm manic, it's unusual, almost nobody I've ever met can keep up with me (it's always disappointing), and come to think of it, the first person that comes to mind who can kinda keep up, actually has some horrific skin problems all over his feet, has to use triamcenalon, a black steroid paste, pretty extreme, oh it's horrible, so yeah, I could see it, like I always said, I decided to shine a light from my mind to the farthest corners of the universe, armchair astrophysicist (xxx.soton.ac.uk) and what I didn't realize is that the light would crash smack dab into the microscopic world, and it isn't pretty.
How'd I do it? I can tell you, I started this project at 12, when they put me in the psychiatric hospital (St vincents in the village, in Manhattan), for three months, that's when I began searching for the solution that made me this way, as I learned to sit still and quiet, unstimulated, for hours on end, and fully bear the weight of the universe on my blood and mind.
My mom thinks I must feel guilty about burning down the house, which is what led to my 3 month incarceration at the psych hospital, when the bee gees came out with saturday night fever, and nadine "honey" koler let me squeeze her boobs; many in the forums suggest my psychiatric itching problem must be about something inside me that I can't deal with, and the burning down the house thing just never rang true - I don't feel guilty, I would do exactly the same thing if everything else was the same - and the only thing I can think of that I've always known is "inside me" and has always been what "makes me like this"...
I've been telling this story since I don't know when, that when I was 5, my little sisters and I were all having the same nightmares, with the same monsters chasing us and flashing all kind of colorful lights in side their "bodies" of multicolor light. Well one day I went in - it was a dream, my sisters and I were in the basement and the monsters show up, right on time. My sisters run, as we always do, up the stairs, to get away, but I see the older of the two is still watching. looking back at me, and comforted by the witness, I give up and let myself be caught- I get abducted, into the wall, and my sister sees my leave. It's like the stories of alien abduction, poked and prodded, mine was like a conveyer belt through a factory, and when they were done they just wrapped me up in a rolled up carpet and delivered me back, through the wall, into my mom's basement. (the younger sister also got caught, not all the way but they tickled her with feathers, and she also has a mysterious skin problem and extreme allergies), but I'm the only one who went through the whole procedure. Lots of young kids do it, they chase little kids, I know cause now I'm a demon, too, in the demon world. It's when a kid is shut in to a room in the dark, to scream and cry, isolate, his parents thinking that without them the infant has no recourse, but the demon world responds to the screams of a lost child, and will offer guidance and leadership and a different reality, and it's alot more to offer than what the humans have access to, so once revealed, it's often chosen over human reality.
Well the biggest most dramatic thing that ever happened to me physically happened in that dream, when I was abducted. The demons chasing me put a hand inside my back, and moved organs around, it was the most severe and strange sick feeling I've ever had, and they inserted something, looked like a glowing rock, a small organ; I later learned that what they had inserted when I was 5 years old, was my demon soul.
(years later I saw a scene from that dream of the lifetime, painted on a mayan vase that had been buried with a sorcerer, never meant to be seen by the living but only to be seen by the demon world, I will try to attach that picture, I swear I recognise those faces from the dreams of those years.)
Because at age 35, ten years ago now, my demon soul became 30 years old, and it was given a bat-mitzvah, where I was shown my powers and magic. Oh it was fantastic, I remember being backstage, at a huge, woodstock-like festival, but all the audience was made up of magical glowing shamans, and after navigating through their wondrous festival, I was backstage and the curtain came up, and I had no idea what was going to happen. I walked forward slowly, flanked by two long tables piled high with junk from a garage sale or something. I stopped early in the walk, grabbed the first item I saw, an old heavy manual typewriter, and tossed it high in the air - and it just stayed there, hovering. I proceeded to toss several more heavy tools and items up there, all hovered, and the crowd went wild, bodies flashing with multicolored lights, and I knew I had my magic.
Since that bat mitzvah dream ten years ago I've been shown many different things over several different dreams, far outside the scope of human knowledge, and the world they explained to me is still amazing but still way over my head, like as if we were trying to share our world with some salmon we abducted from a local stream and brought onboard our spaceship.
Since then I've had a million interactions and adventures in that world, I perform a ritual there regularly in my own ten story building that has made me very powerful, actually I am a supreme court justice and a tele-evangelist now, in the demon world.
And the characters I've encountered, I was thinking they could actually be the mites and beasties of the microscopic world, communicating with me, as the light of my consciousness blasts in to their realm, the voices, the demons in the sz bedrooms at night, really a mite infestation, brought up and out of context!
And I used to have theories A through J on what ghost bugs were, that was at the beginning, and I would like to explain theory H because it rings true. A was for allergies, B for brain tumors, C for chemical exposure, D for demonic possession, E for everything, F & G were set aside for the future expandability of the theory, H for Hegel books, I for I-don't-know, and J for jesus, who wore a crown of thorns, I just have the full-body version.
Well I spent ten years reading hegel books, and I learned a trick, called kenosis, and combined it with the modern day astrophysics information we have to create a mind experiment that shockingly alters brain chemistry, ever since the night I discovered this, after reading hegel - the first book 'phenomenology of the spirit', (the preface itself is considered a classic of world literature, and I think it was that I was reading, when I walked out on the patio, and looked at the moon - when I used to explain this to philosophy majors who said they'd read some Hegel, they look lost and say they don't understand. I used to think it was unethical to explain this, turns out it's ok cause no on e understands anyway. Warning, if you actually get it you can alter your brain chemistry, and eventually end up in this condition, not to be envied. Ten years ago I sat with my mom and tried to explain, sitting on a subway train I explained there was one thought experiment that would instantly cause ghost bugs no matter where I was, and it happened right there.
Kenosis is the esoteric word for how god got "inside" jesus, he "emptied himself", poured himself out of one fishtank into another. And what hegel taught through all his books and fields of study was to do kenosis through everything. Three stage kenosis. Stage one, you are simply the essence, inside yourself, here, in the room you are in. Stage two, you look at something - I added in the part about the farther away the better, started with the moon and proceeded all the way to red shift space, a distance not available to the mind or time of hegel; so I looked at the full moon, standing on the patio that night, and you imagine yourself there, not here. Your essence is here, but you sort of astral project and "see" yourself and your immediate environment, over "there"....
Then stage three, you are there, your essence "pours itself out" of the you that's here, like a fish tank being emptied, and pours itself into the form on the moon. So the chemical change in the brain is due to the sudden stimulation, that 'look at me, I'm on the moon, look at my keyboard and computer, it's on the moon, look at the furniture and the clothes all over the room, we're on the moon' and it makes everything so much more interesting - 'look at those little mites all over the place, what an interesting moon environment', it's just a huge stimulatory signal to the brain to pay attention to all the detail, that everything is suddenly relevant, every little dot and molecule, because of the kenosis that just happened.
And it's the endless practice of that mental exercise, never to the moon anymore but to distant galaxies across red shift space way back near the beginning of time, and this power has made me very perceptive, too perceptive for my own good, and now like Icarus I flew too close to the sun - the red shift suns! - and my wax wings are melting. Itch itch, scratch scratch, oh well, it was an interesting experiment of a life.
-mukky onderdonk
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