hi, i am in desperate need of advice..support, anything, i have been diagnosed since i was 18 with depression, then later after i was hooked on cocaine for almost a year it was depression along with panic/anxiety disorder, i was off and on a LOT of antidepressants from about 18til i was 25 i think and on effexor for almost a year and a half, and i put on like 70 pounds, was huge, and still depressed, always tired, but not MISERABLe, i managed to lose the weight after a few months on diet pills, felt awesome, i had lots of fun, drinking, guys, then met someone serious when i was around 27, i started to get very insecure, and paranoid with him, put him before my daughter, oh yeah i got pregnant and married when i was 17 also) i made him my life for almost 4 years he left me many many times, id call him drunk from the clubs he wouldnt answer and id go off like an fool on his answering machine, after 2 years or so of him leaving me, one time i threatened to take alot of pills i had i forgot what they were now, but i was very suicidal, i went back to counseling, this dr told me he thought i had borderline personality disorder , i got a book on it, and it sounded just like me, exactly, again i was on meds that made me tired and i stopped taking them, they didnt seem to do any good anyway or made me eat alot at night, and i was scared to death to gain back the weight i lost, things fell apart with my boyfriend and i decided to sell my condo and move to florida (me and him used to go to the keys on vacation and i loved it down here) what a MISTAKE that was, i tried talking him into moving down with me he was going to or so i thought, he todl me he wasnt ready after he got an offer on his condo and i lost it, i took about 12 pills i forgot the name of them i was on them to help me sleep, ended up in the mental hospital, for a few days they said i had some kind of dealing with change issues, and sent me home, no referalls for counseling, no meds, nothing! even though they had my history...so a few years went by i got over him sort of to this day i miss him though, i met someone else 2 years ago, off the internet he moved in with me after a few weeks, and 2 1/2 years later hes still here, how i dont know, shortly after he moved in the drama started, i started getting mad at him for alOT of things, trust was broken bY HIM, he didnt cheat on me, but what he did felt like it, i went downhill after that, i started cutting my wrists having fits, throwing stuff, breaking stuff, almost weekly or a few times a week, i was also in school and working at night too, i was getting like 4 hours of sleep a night, then developed plantar fasciitis, while in school for surgical technology, (something ive always dreamed of doing) i was in constant pain ALL THE TIME standing in clinicals all day then my night job was on my feet, i woudl eat at night and starting gaining lots of weight as i was unable to walk at all on my days off or between work and school i had no energy and the pain was unbearable, i managed to finish cliinicals, and graduate at the top of my class i was so proud and happy, but scared about the pain in my feet, i tried evrything, therapy, shoes, inserts, hoping one thing would finally WORK and i wouldnt be in pain anymore, nothing did, i got hired at a hospital about a month after i graduated, i worked almost 2 weeks and couldnt take the pain anymore, id come home from work and have my feet on ice and crying every night, so i quit , went into a worse depressed, was diagnosed then as having major depression AND bipolar disorder, this was new to me no dr;s ever mentioned it to me before this, so i went on and off so many meds, the prozac made me go into a deeper depression in bed all the time, gained about 30 pounds while trying all these diffrent meds, i didnt work for months, my boyfriend wasnt making much money, we were always fighting, but he always was helpful to me and tried to help me any way he could USUALLY, he left me a few times and did some sick stuff online at his friends hosue that hurt me really badly and made my trust in him disappear, i am still not over it, cuz i didnt think he was a pig until then, after a while he started losing patience with me as i was getting worse, having rages, breaking stuff putting holes in the walls, cutting myself, mostly becvause i felt like crap about myself, hated how i looked couldnt do my dream job, felt like i lost everything and nobody cared about me and how would they me being so messed up physically and mentally, i was only 32 when i found out i had plantar fasciitis, before clinicals my feet NEVER bothered me before, i used to go dancing in heels etc..so i had surgery and it didnt work either, i managed to get a good job w the post office, but things with me and my boyfriend never got better really, we fought aLOT mostly too about sex, he never wanted it and i dID hed tell me i have a problem and am a nymphomaniac , my therapist whom he went with me to see said i just have a higher sex drive than him, but the last year things have gotten the worst theyve ever been in my life, i am so jealous now the last year i cannot go anywhere, cant watch tv, cuz i think he wants the attractive women on it or out in public, and i cant look how i should or want to so i get totally depressed or in a rage, and so i have learned to just not watch tv anymore really, play xbox an it drives him nuts, we cant go watch movies if any sexy women are in them, havent gone anywhere, but he was laid off this last year almost entire year has had a few jobs off an on and the stress on me has been unbearable, i m always accusing him of looking at orhter girls, totally paranoid nowadays, totally depressed for themost part i cut myself again sometimes i had stoppd doing it for almost 5 months but startd again, and today was proabbkly the worst thing i have ever done, we went to a store i saw a really good lookign woman with SHORT shorts on and little tank top, perfect body, i had to get out of the store before he sees her was in my head, and as we were leaving he talked to someone in the store and looked right at her up to down , and i lost it, i ran out of the store got histerical in the car , him being so sick of me accusing him of looking at girls lost it and screamed at me told me im crazy and that he hates me and is leaving me, so i was histerical, i drove all around the blocks crazy as he was walking down the road, i ran over a sign, stopped to ask him why he was doing this to me, and he said he wasnt lokoing at no girl and i said YES YOU WERE I SAWyour eyes, and i am sorry i am not good enough for you, im sorry i cant wear clothes like that and look good for you, and he kept walking told me im crazy and a psycho, so i drove really fast down the street he was walking into a field of grass, which i thought went out onto another road only it didnt, it went into a canal, by the time i saw it i coudlnt stop, and my car went into it, thank god it wasnt filled with water only about 1 1/2 feet maybe more, he came running and some other people did too they hlepd me out the entire time i was histerical, mostly about him and what happened and then the fact i almost died, he was being all nice told me he loved me an i said you hate me and he said no i love you, so thankfully i didnt get put in a hospital, i have no insurance anymore now, we came home and i was still saying the same stuff that i know he was looking at that girls body, and i am sorry i am fat and ugly, i say that ALOT to him, so he got mad again, and i got mad cuz he wont ackowledge my feelings, and that i havent felt slightly attractive in almost 2 years since the thing with my feet happened, havent been able to afford to get my hair done liek i have done my entire life in 2 years, havent been able to do anythign i used to do to feel good about myself plus am about 40 pounds overweight, for the last 2 years or so , adn i cant stand it. and most of it i feel is due to all the meds i was tried on for the bipolar so i refuse to take them anymore, well i cant anymway cuz i lost my insurance a few months ago and i cannot afford to get it at work.and NONE of them seemed to help me anyway except to make me sleep or eat more or be stupid and slow and forgetful..i am always paranoid my boyfriend is going to leave me, when he does i beg him to come back promise i will eb better, i wont go off on him all the time, i will be more positive, an dhappy, and i cant EVER do it..the jealousy has gotten out of control, i cant go anywhere any more without going into a depression and crying orwatning to kil myself.i knwo i am so messed up it isnt funny. and there are ALOT fo things about my boyfriend that bother me, but i am very codependent and i dotn have any family at all here in florida, and no friends anymore, the 2 friends i ahd moved out of state. i tried to be friends w a neighbor but it didnt last cuz she would wear things that btohered me and id get jealuos and cause fights with my boyfriend thinking he wanted her and stuff, so i stopped talking to her, we got evicted from our apartment recently and now live in a tiny place and he recenetly got custody of his daughter so we are in a tiny place w 2 teenagers, my daughter is a whole nother issue i feel constant guilt cuz i have not done a good job with her, she saw what i did to the car today i think and wants nothing to do with me,i am jsut a weck, and i need support and i thought what happened might of made my boyfriend realize how much he cared and has hurt me and isntead he was more distant and i needed him to be there for me, when i questioned why he wasnt being nicer to me he went off on me saying im lucky hes still lyin next to me in bed, and i lost it again got histerical, feel sooo alone, i am so scared fi i get upset again like that i will really kill myself next time, and right now i feel like nobody would care if i did. i know i need help but i feel i am beyond it, every counselor i have been to , none could help mewith my jealousy and irrational thinking, and self hatred i have for myself, NONE and i have been to A LOT of therapists. and i dont see the point in taking meds that make u fatter when that is the main reason you are depressed int he first place, it makes no sense i would be so much worse if i were to get any bigger .....my boyfriend says all i want is pity, NO i want someone to CARE, i dont know if i am that bad or my boyfriend is just an ####, but i do love him and i want it to work...canANYONE help me or know of anyone similar to me and what they did to get help? i cannot even afford therapy anymore at the cheap places who do sliding scales, cuz my income is too much, so thats OUT unelss someone is gonna pay for me to go lol...so are taking any meds..cant even pay my bills let alone medication thats gonna make me get bigger, i dont know since all these emds i was on did no good, i feel i am just borderline personality but i need hELP ASAP..oh 2 days ago i didn believe my boyfriend wwalked to the store while iw as at work, so i risked losing my job to drive to the store he said he went to and look for him, and he WASNT there, he said when i told him i was going to look for him that he walked to antoher store to teach me a lesson, which he was at the 2ndstore cuz i saw the receipt, but my paranoia has gotten so out of control its not funny, who would care about that? i think it has alot to do with the fact he has lied to me so many times too though, and doesnt seem remorseful at all for hurting me or the trust in our relationship, but i really need help can anyone give me any?by the way i am just turned 34..thanks