I'm sure that the reason for all of this is purely a manifestation of my anxiety in a hypochondriac way, as this isn't the first time I've suspected I had some physical or mental condition that wasn't there.
I'm 21 years old, female, and have diagnosis(es?) for Asperger's Syndrome, ADD and (childhood) temporal lobe epilepsy. I do remember as a child I would have brief, mild hallucinations like hearing someone shout my name when nobody did, strange visuals like poster characters moving, a strange sensation of my surroundings becoming impossibly tiny, and once my lampshade becoming a rabid wolf (these only happened at night, I put it down to tiredness). These stopped as I entered my early teens. From the age of 17 I started suffering from panic attacks, mostly during the night or when I was alone. Unlike common panic attacks, mine would often be based on some delusional belief, for example, the house is about to fall down any second and I must get out, or the imminent feeling I was going to have a brain haemmorage. I saw a psychiatrist about these as it was causing bad insomnia; she prescribed me with an anti-depressant SSRI.
Now, I'm not sure whether these actually worked, as around the same time I started staying at my boyfriends more often. Sleeping with company reassured me if I ever felt anxious, and when I stayed at home I rarely slept. Around this time, I first smoked cannabis. The first experience was so intense, I felt as though time itself was jerky like a stop-motion film. This feeling persisted solidly for about a week, although milder than the initial 'high'. I didn't smoke weed again for about 4 months after this, and through that time the strange feeling would return periodically. I went back to the psychiatrist for more tests and to figure out what this feeling was - I had a 24-hour EEG to check if it had something to do with my epilepsy, which found no results. She suggested it could be the medication (as by this point I'd been upped to the maximum dosage of escitalopram), and I should wait to see if things settled down.
I haven't had that 'strange' feeling for a year or so now, but I have smoked weed on an almost daily basis for a year, only quitting two months ago. What worries me is that despite being very comfortable smoking before, I won't smoke weed now because I'm so scared it'll send me into some psychosis (again, this is pretty unfounded as I haven't really suffered anything 'psychotic' in my adult life). I don't get the midnight delusions so much, though now I've moved into university halls I have had an episode or two. The main thing now is that I'm constantly thinking I have some medical malady, recently I was worried about a burning sensation in my abdomen, but the doctors didn't find anything wrong. I do have some trust issues with people I'm meeting at uni, sometimes I mentally accuse them of talking about me or generally disliking me even though there are no reasons for me to think so and I quicky correct myself. I also still sometimes panic about various imminent catastrophes which never happen. I guess my point is that I'm worried that these could suggest some schizophrenic tendencies and that my rampant weed-smoking could have worsened things, and some point in the future I could develop the illness?
If anyone has taken the time to read my mind's life story, thankyou and I hope you can give me some insight into my silly worryings!
That is so hilarious, because is the proverbial house not going to fall down.
How do you know there wasn't someone there?
I had a wolf thing to, I was awake in my dreams one time when I was young, and the entire living area was flooded a little bit, and a wolf ran in and ate my feet.
And that is another very interesting thing you said, having to do with shamanism, there is some type of hallucinogen that some of them take, can't remember what area it's found in, but it makes things appear smaller in size at times.
Well, it would seem that some of us are pretty much born on drugs in a way, or perhaps we accidentally just stumble in there.
Thanks for the reply. It's strange you said that about the flooded living room because I remember having lucid dreams quite often of floods in the house when I was a kid. I think its mescaline in peyote that makes things smaller but afaik we had none in our house, unless I unwittingly ate a cactus before bed. We do naturally produce DMT, another drug, inside.our brains so maybe that responsible. Who knows?