First off pangender individuals don't classify themselves as female or male, I understand I was born female but my charactheristics, lead towards both or some may refer to me as a "tomboy or andro."
So I am pangendered, some people refer to me as using this term to serve my lust, desires or even as a fetish and I will say differently. When I look in a mirror I see both my feminine attributes as well as my masculine attributes and have come to terms with being unisex I guess. When I look for a relationship, I look for a monogamous relationship, which is probably why my arms flail up at the idea of it being a fetish.
I am attracted to a very small percentage of men but I'm also attracted to woman and transgendered males.
I was very much so born female, although my thought, my charactheristics and looks can come off quite the other way depending on my mood.
Pangendered people are a minority, not many of us, I have met one up to date and would love to hear from others or even if you're questioning it.
~Just to add since their is so many different/similar names it can also be considered "bigender" but you can be bigender and not bi-sexual (David Bowie would be a perfect example.
So I am pangendered, some people refer to me as using this term to serve my lust, desires or even as a fetish and I will say differently. When I look in a mirror I see both my feminine attributes as well as my masculine attributes and have come to terms with being unisex I guess. When I look for a relationship, I look for a monogamous relationship, which is probably why my arms flail up at the idea of it being a fetish.
I am attracted to a very small percentage of men but I'm also attracted to woman and transgendered males.
I was very much so born female, although my thought, my charactheristics and looks can come off quite the other way depending on my mood.
Pangendered people are a minority, not many of us, I have met one up to date and would love to hear from others or even if you're questioning it.
~Just to add since their is so many different/similar names it can also be considered "bigender" but you can be bigender and not bi-sexual (David Bowie would be a perfect example.
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First Helper diamondsz
diamondsz
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homerx
I had identified as "half-boy, half-girl" ever since I was a small child. It was only recently that I found out there was a term for it and that I wasn't alone. I am engaged to a trans girl and so we can ALMOST understand each other there. Some day I might want to take hormones or have surgery to be more masculine (I, too was born very feminine)but right now I deal with what I was given.
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I am biologically female as well. I couldn't imagine myself with male genitalia, but I wish I was flat-chested and called "sir" more often. I keep my hair short and always wear pants; I wish I could switch to male underwear, too. But I can't choose between genders at all. I can't define myself with one or the other. Being more strongly attracted to women although I'm bisexual, I usually assume the "prince charming" role in the relationship, as I've been told. I'm not what people would refer to as "butch", although I do have a ridiculous collection of plaid shirts - I wear skinny jeans, put on makeup every day, and occasionally enjoy dressing up in frilly dresses when I'm alone (which, strangely, feels like crossdressing...) I'm just very boyish in my manners and interests, while keeping distinct female characteristics. So I really don't know. I can never really decide what I want people to consider me as. I want to be seen as a girl when I'm attracted to one, and I want to be seen as a boy when I'm attracted to one. (Which makes me twice as gay rather than bisexual?? Argh.) I wish someone would get it and explain it to me.
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| acopyofacopy wrote: |
| . I want to be seen as a girl when I'm attracted to one, and I want to be seen as a boy when I'm attracted to one. (Which makes me twice as gay rather than bisexual?? Argh.) I wish someone would get it and explain it to me. |
I can tell you what you R...ADORABLE! 
You are the perfect person...love yourself...which I think you must because U R so witty and your writing is like meeting you almost.I think your great no matter if you are playing the part of the woman or the man...or a mix in between....it reminds me of the song from HEDWIG & THE ANGRY INCH...Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Origin of Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YO9FpWX57E
When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.
The origin of love
And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.
The origin of love
Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire
And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.
Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
Peace and Love...and PRIDE ,
Homer
You are the perfect person...love yourself...which I think you must because U R so witty and your writing is like meeting you almost.I think your great no matter if you are playing the part of the woman or the man...or a mix in between....it reminds me of the song from HEDWIG & THE ANGRY INCH...Hedwig and the Angry Inch - Origin of Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YO9FpWX57E
When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.
The origin of love
And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.
The origin of love
Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire
And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.
Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
Peace and Love...and PRIDE ,
Homer
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Fairy Godmother
ShezzaMezza
Oh wow, I love that song! I've been meaning to watch that movie for ages, but never had the opportunity to.
Thank you so much for the nice comments. I'm not really a confident person, so they were definitely appreciated, haha. (:
Thank you so much for the nice comments. I'm not really a confident person, so they were definitely appreciated, haha. (:
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Hedwig & The Angry Inch
If you can, see it! It is funny and touching and deep and ...I LOVE it! One of my all time favorite movies EVER! The music is awesome and the movie is one you can watch over and over and always get something new out of it...it ROCKS!
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*raises hand* Sensei, I have a question.
First of, hi everyone ^.^ I guess I'm pangender (even though I didnt know there was such a term for the confusion and awkwardness till I came across it looking for random things on Wikipedia... fun times), cause sometimes I act masculine, sometimes feminine, but I can never really define myself as either. Unlike... everyone else, apparently, I'm a physical and genetic male. Depending on the situation I'll act feminine or masculine, whatever my gut says to do. I like wearing both "feminine" clothes like skirts and dresses (though I have none at the moment) and "masculine clothes (but for some reason despise unisex clothes. MUST they look so...bleh?) Im also a bi furry otaku @.@
Anyways, I said I had question didnt I.
Is there a difference between bigender and pangender? Cause Wikipedia has them in seperat articles, not "also known as ----". Like, does bigender describe the behaviour while pangender describes the thought patterns?
PLUR everybody! *hugs*
First of, hi everyone ^.^ I guess I'm pangender (even though I didnt know there was such a term for the confusion and awkwardness till I came across it looking for random things on Wikipedia... fun times), cause sometimes I act masculine, sometimes feminine, but I can never really define myself as either. Unlike... everyone else, apparently, I'm a physical and genetic male. Depending on the situation I'll act feminine or masculine, whatever my gut says to do. I like wearing both "feminine" clothes like skirts and dresses (though I have none at the moment) and "masculine clothes (but for some reason despise unisex clothes. MUST they look so...bleh?) Im also a bi furry otaku @.@
Anyways, I said I had question didnt I.
Is there a difference between bigender and pangender? Cause Wikipedia has them in seperat articles, not "also known as ----". Like, does bigender describe the behaviour while pangender describes the thought patterns?
PLUR everybody! *hugs*
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Hi and peace and love!!! 
tagnikzur..I have never been good at labeling people or putting them in a box.You sound like a loving sweet caring sensitive guy and whatever you are is alright here.As long as you are you and real then who cares? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet..
Anyway, I think they are one and the same...by the by...did you know that people can write whatever they want on Wikipedia and even change it? So it isn't a great since of real knowledge..its a good tool but don't look to it for the Gods honest truth..
Anyone out there have a good answer or would like to comment?
Hugs,
HomerX
tagnikzur..I have never been good at labeling people or putting them in a box.You sound like a loving sweet caring sensitive guy and whatever you are is alright here.As long as you are you and real then who cares? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet..
Anyway, I think they are one and the same...by the by...did you know that people can write whatever they want on Wikipedia and even change it? So it isn't a great since of real knowledge..its a good tool but don't look to it for the Gods honest truth..
Anyone out there have a good answer or would like to comment?
Hugs,
HomerX
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tagnikzur
The reason that you're finding that things are poorly defined is that the definition of Pangender is still being written. Sociologically and psychology the idea of a gender identification of "null" is still not fully understood. You're going to have to kind of muddle your way through what it means to not really accept either male or female gender tropes. It may help you to focus more on just being who you are than defining what you are. Experience will teach you where the borders of your sexuality are much better than any term. If people want to know what you're about gender-wise, using a term that means different things to different people won't be that helpful to them anyhow. Just spell it out, you have male and female tendencies and don't really think of yourself in either context. You date both genders and think catgirls and catbois are teh hawt..
Good luck!
The reason that you're finding that things are poorly defined is that the definition of Pangender is still being written. Sociologically and psychology the idea of a gender identification of "null" is still not fully understood. You're going to have to kind of muddle your way through what it means to not really accept either male or female gender tropes. It may help you to focus more on just being who you are than defining what you are. Experience will teach you where the borders of your sexuality are much better than any term. If people want to know what you're about gender-wise, using a term that means different things to different people won't be that helpful to them anyhow. Just spell it out, you have male and female tendencies and don't really think of yourself in either context. You date both genders and think catgirls and catbois are teh hawt..
Good luck!
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Thanks guys ^.^ I've just been a bit confused lately and thought it might help to have a way to define myself, if only for...myself. Thanmks for the help ^.^ *hugs all*
Heh, catbois, mrowr...
Heh, catbois, mrowr...
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homerx
| tagnikzur wrote: |
| Thanks guys ^.^ I've just been a bit confused lately and thought it might help to have a way to define myself, if only for...myself. Thanmks for the help ^.^ *hugs all*
Heh, catbois, mrowr... |
Hey, not big on furries but I do cosplay lol! Yaoi for the win ^_^!
I guess over time I've come up with my own self-identification, I consider myself gender neutral at the moment. Ever time I read up of pangender or bi-gender it continually changes and is becoming less of a personally definition and more of <Pandnger> meaning I attracted to anyone, which doesn't apply to me!
Anyway if ever you want to chat add me closetbunny@live.com
Jess...
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tagnikzur,
There IS a difference between bigender and pangender. Bi gender is a combination of masculine and feminine indentities, pan gender is more inclusive of all gender variations and rejects the whole binary view on gender altogether.
diamondsz,
The confusion over attraction in online definitions is when people are confusing gender identity with sexual orientation. biSEXUAL and panSEXUAL are the orientation versions, whereas biGENDER and panGENDER refer to gender identity but not orientation (ie, the ones that sound like they may best describe you?).
HTH.
There IS a difference between bigender and pangender. Bi gender is a combination of masculine and feminine indentities, pan gender is more inclusive of all gender variations and rejects the whole binary view on gender altogether.
diamondsz,
The confusion over attraction in online definitions is when people are confusing gender identity with sexual orientation. biSEXUAL and panSEXUAL are the orientation versions, whereas biGENDER and panGENDER refer to gender identity but not orientation (ie, the ones that sound like they may best describe you?).
HTH.
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I am so intensely grateful that I stumbled upon this term today. I feel so much better knowing that I'm not completely alone in the way I feel.
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Two Spirit
I guess I'll go by the name Dean. First off, Homerx, you sound like an amazing person. I wish there were more people like you out there. I am what you would call pangender. But I prefer the term "Two Spirit". Biologically, I was born female. But I have always felt that I was both. Ever since birth. A lot of the time I feel more boyish. But I won't deny that I have a feminine side too. I am attracted to both males and females. Mostly, females. I have only told my closest friend that I am two spirited. He has tried to talk me into telling the rest of my family and friends but I come from a long line of hardcore Christians. I think some of them would accept me and others would probably assume I'm going to hell for merely existing. They wouldn't accept that I house both genders. They would simply assume that I'm gay or bi and think I'm trying to come up with an excuse for it. And they would assume that this automatically makes me a pervert. Even though I have never had sex. Sometimes the weight of this burden/gift is too heavy for me to bear alone. I wish there were more people I could talk to about it. Suicide has actually entered my head a few times, I'm ashamed to say. But I'm not a violent person and I'm afraid that I would offend God if I did that. Not to mention, hurt everyone else I would leave behind. But still, it's not much of a life if you're only living for other people. I just wish I could find someone like me and be happy with my life. I'm so tired of being alone all the time. Sorry if I have offended anyone in any way. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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I am not sure how I stumbled upon this post, and none of this describes me. I just know I was led here to remind you that God makes no mistakes!
You are God's beautiful child, love yourself like he loves you. Though I do not want you to expose your inter most feelings to non supportive people, also I do not want you to miss out of allowing others to know the real you. When the time, place, and person to tell is right, you will know. You have so much to teach others, but you need to feel safe and secure before you do.
Peace and love to you.
You are God's beautiful child, love yourself like he loves you. Though I do not want you to expose your inter most feelings to non supportive people, also I do not want you to miss out of allowing others to know the real you. When the time, place, and person to tell is right, you will know. You have so much to teach others, but you need to feel safe and secure before you do.
Peace and love to you.
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Genetically i'm female but people often confuse me for a boy. i'm really unsure of myself right now, i do not feel comfortable being a girl but i also don't think i'd be comfortable as a boy . . . . i'm kinda hoping that someone out there can help me i'm struggling to figure out who or even what i am 
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pangender
Hi everyone!
I have been confused about my gender my whole life. I always felt wrong somehow. I feel great in mens clothes, but I also like dressing up like a girl sometimes. Oh, I should mention, I was born a girl, and I have no intention of changing myself into a guy. But I wish there was some way to shift between having a dick and boobs, you know xD I just really wanna know what it's like to have sex with a penis.
I mostly wear mens clothes, but sometimes I feel like wearing girls clothes, but mostly I don't, because people have hard time understanding me.
I have big breasts, and I want them smaller, like an A-cup or something like that. (right now, I have a D-cup on the way to an E-cup -.-'). I sometimes think about getting them smaller by surgery, but I can't afford it, and I'm scared of the outcome. And I don't like the sound of "plastic-surgery"..
I now know that I'm pangender.. but untill now I still don't know my sexuality.
I have had two boyfriends, and had sex with both, and they are the only ones I have had sex with. I then had a relationship with a transexual, who was born a girl, and wanted to be a guy. I loved him very much, but we only had three days together, and then we had a long distance relationship, which was to hard, so we let it go. Anyway, I wanted to have sex with him, and I wanted to marry him and everything. He and a girl I met 3 years ago are the only two people I have ever been in love with. The girl, let's call her T. She is a lesbian, and I totally and utterly fell for her, but she didn't fall for me. I wanted to do everything for and with her. I'm still in love with her, and I think about her every day. It's not long ago, that I actually told her about my feelings.
I have had a lot of crushes on girls, but I never had sex with one. I've had crushes on guys too, but for the past 3 months or so, I have only been looking at girls. What would you say I am? Cuz I have no idea.
- Merle Theodor (from where I come, Merle is a female name)
I have been confused about my gender my whole life. I always felt wrong somehow. I feel great in mens clothes, but I also like dressing up like a girl sometimes. Oh, I should mention, I was born a girl, and I have no intention of changing myself into a guy. But I wish there was some way to shift between having a dick and boobs, you know xD I just really wanna know what it's like to have sex with a penis.
I mostly wear mens clothes, but sometimes I feel like wearing girls clothes, but mostly I don't, because people have hard time understanding me.
I have big breasts, and I want them smaller, like an A-cup or something like that. (right now, I have a D-cup on the way to an E-cup -.-'). I sometimes think about getting them smaller by surgery, but I can't afford it, and I'm scared of the outcome. And I don't like the sound of "plastic-surgery"..
I now know that I'm pangender.. but untill now I still don't know my sexuality.
I have had two boyfriends, and had sex with both, and they are the only ones I have had sex with. I then had a relationship with a transexual, who was born a girl, and wanted to be a guy. I loved him very much, but we only had three days together, and then we had a long distance relationship, which was to hard, so we let it go. Anyway, I wanted to have sex with him, and I wanted to marry him and everything. He and a girl I met 3 years ago are the only two people I have ever been in love with. The girl, let's call her T. She is a lesbian, and I totally and utterly fell for her, but she didn't fall for me. I wanted to do everything for and with her. I'm still in love with her, and I think about her every day. It's not long ago, that I actually told her about my feelings.
I have had a lot of crushes on girls, but I never had sex with one. I've had crushes on guys too, but for the past 3 months or so, I have only been looking at girls. What would you say I am? Cuz I have no idea.
- Merle Theodor (from where I come, Merle is a female name)
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MerleTheodor
i just thought i should let you know that the lengthy message currently sat in your in box was off me . . . . im sorry it's so forward but i thought it would be easier like
i just thought i should let you know that the lengthy message currently sat in your in box was off me . . . . im sorry it's so forward but i thought it would be easier like
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I would just like to understand who and what I am. Stumbling across the word "pangender" is the closest I've ever come, but even so, I'm not sure that's what I am either.
Without getting into a long-winded post, let me just hit the high notes. I am male, and have always been comfortable identifying myself as such. Furthermore, I am squarely heterosexual, and not even a little bi-curious. So what's the issue, right? Well, the issue is that my physical, mental, and emotional traits are practically split down the middle between male and female, and might even lean to the female side if I really sat down and compared. Even crazier, the two sides seem to integrate on *everything*, such that I am neither purely male or purely female on any one aspect of myself.
For example, I mentioned I was 100% hetero, desiring women, right? But the only women I really desire all have male traits: no make-up, short hair, small hips, small bust, or even purely androgynous. Yet still having some feminine characteristics, like wearing skirts or perfume. Every aspect of me is like this, a mish-mash of male and female.
What am I?
Without getting into a long-winded post, let me just hit the high notes. I am male, and have always been comfortable identifying myself as such. Furthermore, I am squarely heterosexual, and not even a little bi-curious. So what's the issue, right? Well, the issue is that my physical, mental, and emotional traits are practically split down the middle between male and female, and might even lean to the female side if I really sat down and compared. Even crazier, the two sides seem to integrate on *everything*, such that I am neither purely male or purely female on any one aspect of myself.
For example, I mentioned I was 100% hetero, desiring women, right? But the only women I really desire all have male traits: no make-up, short hair, small hips, small bust, or even purely androgynous. Yet still having some feminine characteristics, like wearing skirts or perfume. Every aspect of me is like this, a mish-mash of male and female.
What am I?
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Alright, I feel like sharing. Even though this is 2012 and this thread has pretty much died. I don't care if you listen really, I just want to write this out.
Let me start off by saying I was born with female genitals, and though up until now I've always been referred to in the female sense it wasn't until someone said "She,her,girl,woman,female,etc" did it actually register. Like I'd forgotten, because in my head I'm just me. But in an effort to fit in I'd always force female tendencies, where I didn't have it. I was always jealous how the girls were flawlessly feminine and the boys were flawlessly masculine. And I was always this awkward person in the middle, and I felt really alone.
It wasn't until middle school, when I discovered you could be boyish and still be cool. That I could still fit in. So I started dressing in sweats, T-shirts, etc. But I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom that I wanted clothes from the boys section, so I made due with what I could get second-hand and unisex clothes (unisex clothes are ugly btw) I remember I would get upset when my boobs were still visible even with the baggiest of shirts and wished I had binding or could get surgery to reduce their size at least. I don't know why I wanted it, but I did.
When I was in high school I discovered I was attracted to women, which as a sheltered child I didn't even know could happen until a year prior to this discovery. At this point I no longer saw myself as a tomboy, instead I thought "oh, I must be butch I guess." So I spent my sophmore and junior year assuming I was a butchy bisexual. And I somehow managed to work up the courage to shop in the boys section. However, last summer the thought occured to me that I might be ftm. I mean I had days when I identified with the male gender, and wished I had a male body. But when I thought about it, I wasn't always miserable with my body like many other ftm stories I've heard and read. There were days with pain over my sex, and days when I was glad about my curvy hips and boobs. But I wasn't miserable all the time, and I wasn't really interested in surgery to change something that bothered me only on occasion and I was happy to have on others. It was then I realized I wasn't ftm, and this depressed me like nothing else. I was sad because again I was alone, and embarrassed because I suddenly felt like I was pulling some idiotic stunt for attention. At the same time I was relieved that I had told no one about my thoughts on being ftm.
It wasn't until a day ago I looked up what it meant to be genderqueer, a word I had heard but never really understood. One of the words under this definition was pangender, and you have no idea how happy I felt when I read what it meant, and how much it fit me. I don't know if I actually am pangender, or if I'm just pulling some other stunt for attention. (I was a bit of a special snowflake, and that effects the way I view myself.) I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl, I'm me. And I hardly think I need to tell you the kind of freedom I feel when I say that. It's like I'm breathing for the first time...and the air is sweet and pure.
Let me start off by saying I was born with female genitals, and though up until now I've always been referred to in the female sense it wasn't until someone said "She,her,girl,woman,female,etc" did it actually register. Like I'd forgotten, because in my head I'm just me. But in an effort to fit in I'd always force female tendencies, where I didn't have it. I was always jealous how the girls were flawlessly feminine and the boys were flawlessly masculine. And I was always this awkward person in the middle, and I felt really alone.
It wasn't until middle school, when I discovered you could be boyish and still be cool. That I could still fit in. So I started dressing in sweats, T-shirts, etc. But I couldn't bring myself to tell my mom that I wanted clothes from the boys section, so I made due with what I could get second-hand and unisex clothes (unisex clothes are ugly btw) I remember I would get upset when my boobs were still visible even with the baggiest of shirts and wished I had binding or could get surgery to reduce their size at least. I don't know why I wanted it, but I did.
When I was in high school I discovered I was attracted to women, which as a sheltered child I didn't even know could happen until a year prior to this discovery. At this point I no longer saw myself as a tomboy, instead I thought "oh, I must be butch I guess." So I spent my sophmore and junior year assuming I was a butchy bisexual. And I somehow managed to work up the courage to shop in the boys section. However, last summer the thought occured to me that I might be ftm. I mean I had days when I identified with the male gender, and wished I had a male body. But when I thought about it, I wasn't always miserable with my body like many other ftm stories I've heard and read. There were days with pain over my sex, and days when I was glad about my curvy hips and boobs. But I wasn't miserable all the time, and I wasn't really interested in surgery to change something that bothered me only on occasion and I was happy to have on others. It was then I realized I wasn't ftm, and this depressed me like nothing else. I was sad because again I was alone, and embarrassed because I suddenly felt like I was pulling some idiotic stunt for attention. At the same time I was relieved that I had told no one about my thoughts on being ftm.
It wasn't until a day ago I looked up what it meant to be genderqueer, a word I had heard but never really understood. One of the words under this definition was pangender, and you have no idea how happy I felt when I read what it meant, and how much it fit me. I don't know if I actually am pangender, or if I'm just pulling some other stunt for attention. (I was a bit of a special snowflake, and that effects the way I view myself.) I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl, I'm me. And I hardly think I need to tell you the kind of freedom I feel when I say that. It's like I'm breathing for the first time...and the air is sweet and pure.
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This page was last updated on May 23, 2013.
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This page was last updated on May 23, 2013.
© 2010 eHealthForum.com