This isn't a cry for help, but I can't unload this on my friends. I've suffered from my depressive episodes for all of my adult life. I'm 29 and I've finally let it ruin me.
During a particularly deep spell of depression I broke up with my girlfriend of 11 years, months after finally tying the knot. I broke her heart, and the divorce is going through as we speak. The feeling is like waking up from a bad dream and realising you've killed someone in your sleep. I've never been this lonely, depressed and downright hopeless. I'm so, so desperate to end it all.
Life has become a chore, and I'm just existing from day to day. I've forgotten how to enjoy life, how to be happy, how to love. I'm an absolute shell of a human being. On the surface people don't realise how bad it's become - I have a good job, a loving family, and some close friends, but anyone who suffers with clinical depression will know that none of that matters when you're at your lowest.
I've given up on GPs, I can't stand the questionnaires and patronising generic questions. "Well done, you've got 22 depression points, but only 6 anxiety points!" The therapists I've seen have been useless. I'm losing the will to live. I wish I could end it - surely control over one's being is the most fundamental of human rights? But they make it illegal.
I'm going to give pills another go, then I might finally give up. I feel like I'm just biding my time until I'm commitment free at the moment.
My husband killed himself last year & I too relate to the chronic depression & void I have been burdened with.
I don't enjoy life anymore & I too just exist,despite the maximum dose of anti depressants & therapy I see no cure for depression & pessimism.
Life just hates some people more than others,humans do have a choice,see another day through or never see another one through again but that's an irreversible choice.
Please bless yourselves at every opportunity daily whether you feel like saying this or not: "I bless myself, my mind, my spirit. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am healed, thanks to the Lord Jesus for shedding His blood for me, and His resurrection." Amen