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Overcoming insecurity ?

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Hi everyone,

Here's the story..My husband and I are in our mid 20's, we have been happily married for almost 3 years now. We have a very open and honest relationship. Yesterday as I was on my way home after work, I stopped somewhere to get a quick bite to eat. This guy came up and started flirting with me, introducing himself, but I cut him off politely, letting him know that I was a married woman. I got home, and told my husband what happened, and said it doesn't bother him at all, because he trusts me completely. So then, he said "So you think I don't get approached by women? Well, It happens to me often." For some reason, I got very curious and started asking questions, and he told me exactly the last time when a woman started hitting on him, but he let her know that he was married and ended it there, showing her he wasn't interested. I didn't dare ask about the other times that it happened, because just thinking about other women flirting with him makes me upset.
I'm such an insecure person, and I guess I have this fear that another woman will try and steal him away. My husband said I shouldn't be worried one bit and reassured me that he married me because he wants to be with me, and ONLY me. He told me that I am the most beautiful woman inside and out, and that not in a million years could he have found someone like me... I believe everything he says! So I gotta ask, has anyone on here faced the same insecurity issues in their marriage? and If so, how do you deal with it? Here I am at work, I just can't get it off my mind! Yeah, I'm sure a lot of people will say I'm making a huge deal out of nothing, but it just gets to me. Thanks.
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First Helper swiss25
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replied April 16th, 2009
Community Volunteer
After rereading your post I realize that you are looking for help in making yourself feel secure...Mine is not a story about this, but instead a story about life and what I didn't know about it...I am sure some of the other younger women will have better words to tell you on this subject....

Take care,
Caroline
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replied April 16th, 2009
Community Volunteer
OK, honey...I am back...Seeing that no other woman has responded I will jump in....Yes, I have faced this every day of my married life...My husband was a hunk...Still is...And how the women flirt with him....I want to shout to them that he is as good in bed as he looks...But I shut my mouth...I think that this is the reason I held out on giving him sex before we were married...I was afraid if he had this that he might not want me....May sound silly, but part of me still feels this way...Like you I wondered, how was I so lucky to get him...Then later after I gained some weight I worried "What does he see in me"...Yet he loved me with his whole heart and soul and still does....I have struggled with this all my life...I recall my Mother telling me "You had better watch it...He is such a handsome man...Unless you lose that weight another woman will get him"...Unfortunately, the pressures of life prevailed...I didn't lose the weight...Oh, every once in a while I would go on a weight losing binge, but slowly it would crawl back up...Yet he stayed and loved me as much as the day we were married...

My husband loves me as yours loves you....We are each one of a kind...You and I are created special for a perfect man...We each have one....Yours would follow you to the moon and mine would be close behind following me...This is just the way that life goes....We each have a man that the mold was thrown away when they were created....And we each love them so...

I hope this helps....
Caroline
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replied April 16th, 2009
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Jealousy and being insecure can eat your marriage alive. If you can not trust your partner, you do not need to even be together. A marriage is based on trust.....not love alone. It takes two to TANGO...sure others "hit on you and your husband", and as long as both of you step up to the plate and announce you are both ahppily married, then its all HONKY DOREY.BUT..........theres always a BUT....if one spouse even take that flirt to another level....say responds back because htey lie hte attention or whatever.....then trust is slowly slipping away. I have been in tow otherrelaionshps htat I could not trust my partner....he was a dog.....in heat. I learned hte hard way. I do now have a wonderful man i am married too, that I know a simple flirt will never ever go any further.....the old saying is...if you do your homework he won't go running to the tacher....makes sense! I will add, if either of you EVER even think that you are not happy with each other, talk to each other and discuss it openly, instead of sneaking and cheating on the other...
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replied April 16th, 2009
Community Volunteer
It boils down to this: Trust, communication & best friend.

If you can't trust your spouse and if there is not adequate communication and if your spouse is not your best friend...to me that spells disaster.

My husband and I have all 3...with that comes self respect, security, etc.

FGM: while my husband was at work he got wind that an older woman had the hots for him...he shrugged it off however she began to semi-stalk him and was telling him that she went to a nudist camp (her term for a tanning bed) and he should have been there, and would drop sexual hints about how she needed to get some, etc. He firmly and politely told her that he is happily married and he needs nothing else...she finally backed off. I offered to visit her and introduce myself...

I trust my husband 110% and he trusts me. You know you have trust when one can go away for the weekend without the other and you have no question if your spouse is cheating.

August will be 15 years that we have been together and 14 married...it gets better with time.
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replied April 18th, 2009
Stats.
Women get hit on more often than men do. Its natural and statistically proven.Its highly likely your man is just getting you all riled up just to make him more wanted - cause of the fear of losing you.Always, use this rule of thumb to deduce the number of women a man, (any man) says has flirted with him :: Divide the number by 3.If the result is a fraction thats less than 1, dont even bother.As long as your man, is cuddled up in your bed at night and is riding you like the rodeo bull you got nothing to worry - you still have him irrespective of the hundred other super models out there.so be happy and keep your man happy by not worrying too much.peace.
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replied April 18th, 2009
Admire him :)
Well first of all try and feel good that other women find your husband desirable… that tells you that you have something. He married you and if he is happy and you challenge him and admire him for the man he is then he will not stray from your relationship. Men love to be admired, take it from me… I love being the knight in shining amour… one easy way for you to do this… ask him to fix things for you, but don’t nag VIP. Men like to think we are handy and that we can problem solve… gives us a sense of accomplishment. Then mention something about how good a job he did at what ever it was you asked him to do. Just don’t nag, men hate that! Don’t ask him to wait on you hand and foot, still maintain your independence but jobs like fixing the closet door, sink, dry wall, pictures, etc… a little of that go’s a long way. Of course don’t over do it Smile
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replied July 30th, 2009
I will email more about this later, but how are you feeling now? Caroline, its always nice to see you helping and advising women...you are the best!
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replied July 30th, 2009
Community Volunteer
Hi Honey: Nice to see you back...Missed you....

Hugs,
Caroline
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replied July 20th, 2010
??
hi everyone,
ive been marrid for 6 years now, found out via chat that my husband was still in love with his former girlfriend 3 years into our marriage and one son later.it broke my heart.he begged for forgiveness and has changed so much since then that i know that he loves me completely now. now he is in US for a course and i caught an email going from account to a local woman which proved that he was flirting with her. i dont know how to take this sort of behaviour.i am so miserable i dont know what to do anymore.not only do i have trust issues but i also have to push him into communicating in a meaningful way with me. what does that mean? can anyone help?
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replied September 22nd, 2010
Hi my husband and I have been together for almost 5 years and married 3 in March. We have 2 kids under 2 and I have had trust issues with him since I was preg with our first.. (like 6 mos married) when I found suggestive sexual text messages to another woman on his phone by accident. Needless to say I was devastated. After I calmly confronted him and a long, silent, guilty (on his part) few minutes, he told me they were fake and it was a plan devised by the 2 of them to get back at me for something (for him, I've never met/done anything to her), and that he had planned to delete it but forgot (they were a little dated) ???This made no sense whatsoever to me, ever since I've been very insecure, and paranoid. To this day I check his texts, email, pics, internet history, everything when he's gone or asleep. He has since made a handful of these types of suggestive messages to a girl from highschool, a girl from his old job, also about 6 diff pics of a random girl's butt with walmart in the background, and everytime I confront him he says he's not cheating, he loves me, etc.. and promises he won't do these things anymore. But the last 2 are within the last month. It's clear we need counsiling but he refuses. He babysits his phone because "he doesn't want me breaking it" (it is an iphone, but I have 1 too so why would I break it) He does many things that demonstrate love to me and my boys, he works very hard and honestly doesn't have time for an affair, he's not abusive, our sex life is and always has been awesome, he loves my bod, he tells me he loves me everyday, and we have a great relationship. But I just can't shake the feeling that he's cheating and by staying with him I'm being naive. We recently discovered that I have daddy issues (my dad was a cheater and a liar and was not careful about the things he shared with me, they were borderline sexually abusive) and I'm trying to shake the insecurity that my husband is like my father (when he's not at all) and will cheat on me/ leave me (like my father left us) .. while dealing with my weight problem after having kids, let me just say I wish the only problem I had was the insecurity. I think you're problem will resolve itself in time. He obviously loves you very much.. like the girl above said, it's a compliment to you that other women want him.. just as long as he's loyal, and from what you wrote, you don't have to worry about that. Oh and I just realized that this is really old.. and I feel dumb but hopefully it will help someone else lol. Night all Smile
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replied January 10th, 2011
Hi Ladies,

From rading your emails i am glad that i am not alone. I strongly believe that jealosy is not of God and satan is using it to destroy marriages. I also found flirting sms'es, emails from facebook that really killed our trust, he apologized and we have moved on but i still have that fear he will do it again.

However i am believing God to deliver me from this stronghold before it destroys me and my marriage. Living in panic will only bring us stress uncesserary. I am deciding to focus things that will bring joy to my heart like my kids, church, work, etc than on thoughts that will drive me mad and what if they are not true!

I think we forgave our husbands but we have not forgotten about the odeal so what's going to be...

L.
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replied February 6th, 2011
Dear Angel Eyes please rest assure that you are not alone in feeling like this.

Insecurity is such a hard thing to deal with. Its this nagging voice in your head that keeps making you doubt your partner and your own self worth. Its hard when you know that you believe your spouse and that they are honest with you, when you have all these thoughts running around in your head.

I have been married for 3 years and insecurity has definitely plagued our marriage. I know that he the most honest person I know and that he loves me. I can't help it when I see him glance at a girl and think "he wants her!" That what is going on in my mind, whereas in my husband's mind "look its another human being." I find that you can be your own worst own enemy and over thinking lets your imagination run wild.

I still have yet to find a permanent solution but find talking it out with my partner definitely helps. Although my partner is getting fed up with these constant accusations, so be careful of that. I hope that you can overcome your insecurity and maybe post the things that helped you because I could use some help too!
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replied September 22nd, 2011
I'm on the same page as you about insecure. I think the same thing about my husband when I think he's looking at another girl. I've asked him before if he's still in love with me and he said more than I'll ever know. But for some reason I can't get over the insecurities. I always think to myself that I'm not good enough, when I know I am.
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