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out of control son

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Hello..
I need advice regarding my 11 year old son. I do NOT know what to do. This has gotten to a point that most of the time I wish he lived somewhere else. Background info.. I am a single-work full time mom, without a father in the picture. He has never known/seen his dad. My son was a difficult baby-with a pretty fierce temper even as a baby. I always thought this was something he would outgrow. This has not happened. He usually conducts himself well in school and always did in daycare too. Has never been in any serious trouble at school or anywhere. It has always been when he gets home he "lets his hair down" and his true colors show. He is defiant, will not listen or follow rules at home, back talks me, throws fits, will not take no for an answer, throws things, and threatens violence. His new thing is to cuss me. He will call me a names when he is having one of these episodes. There are times he can be fun, loving, and good. When he stays with my parents he is good and follows rules. It all seems to be directed to his immediate family. For me the BAD times are out weigh the good. I just dont know what to do. My concern is when he gets to be 14-15 yrs old with this type of personality. He will be bigger than me and his sister. My fear is that he may one day get so mad he will hurt one of us. He has nearly ruined my life as well as his 13 yr old sister. She tells me she hates her life because of him.We don't go many places, due to his behavior. When we go to Wal-mart he will ask to get something that is expensive or something not appropriate for him and he will raise his voice to argue his point with me. He will say things like "s**** off", call me stupid-and curse while bullying me into getting him whatever it is he wants. There have been times I have given in to him because I didnt want a scene. I know I should not have ever done this. He is not embarrassed to do this. Most kids would be. Not him. It is emotionally draining. My parents have told me that all he needs is a good spanking. They just dont understand. Spanking will not curtail his behavior. If I took all of his things away as punishment...he will go out of control. I am sure the cops would probably get called by my neighbors because he would be so loud. I do not know what to do. I dont know what is wrong with him. He is the youngest of 5 children, with only him and his sister still living at home. He is 1 of 4 boys...so I know how to raise boys. My other children are all very well behaved with good manners-even when they were young. None of them have ever acted this way. I am exhausted from dealing with him. He has never been diagnosed with anything-has a perfect health record. One thing about myself I know to be true-I have never been a strong disciplinary person. My older 4 children have a different father as my youngest son. They all know their dad and have relationship with him. I dont know if that is why he is the way he is or not. I do know there are lots of kids that grow up without male figure and they are fine. I need advice and would really love to hear from other parents that are going through same thing. I feel embarrassed by him-would hate for people to know what really goes on in my home with him. In fact, I dont tell people. Embarassed Like I said I wish he could live with someone else most of the time. I love him but he is VERY HARD to like. I would like to hear from other parents who may be going through same thing. Would love some advice. I would love to have peace in my home and life.

Thanks- Gee
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replied August 30th, 2008
Community Volunteer
Wow. Some of the scenes that you described I went through with my son when he was around 8 maybe 10, stopped and started up again at 16, 2nd time I nipped it.

His father and I separated before his 2nd birthday and I remarried when he turned 6. He has had a loving relationship to this day with his step father however it has not been very well with his biological dad. He would throw fits and I tried to stay strong but I would give in to keep him quiet and for me not to pop his leg right then and there and then have him scream and then someone turning me in for child abuse, which it would not have been.

His bio dad has a hair trigger temper and it's all about him and during that time when my son would have these fits I saw his bio dad's temper.

Anyway, my son saw a therapist to talk with and it turned out that he wanted his bio dad to be proud of him, call him and his bio dad truly wanted nothing to do with him even though he refused to give up his parental rights (control issue) so his step dad could adopt him. I had to stay strong and had to come down hard on my son to show him that he is truly loved but he is NOT going to treat me the way that he did. He finally came out of it and then when 16 rolled around...it was about I need to date, I need a car, I need, I need, I need...what it truly was...was I want, I want, I want....so this age may not have had anything to do with the other attitude.

Because my son was being rejected by his bio dad to a certain extent his anger and agressiveness was being aimed at the other parent and put on the happy smiley, nothing is wrong face to everyone else. So if I said something to my mother she would say, well that can't be true, he is such a sweet young boy. Augh.

Would you be able to take your son to counseling and yourself as well? Most kids will tell complete strangers what bothers them before they will tell a parent.

You are not alone and I hope this helps in some way.
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replied August 30th, 2008
Supporter
I agree
Once again I agree with The Zig........a lot of this is your fault for allowing this type of behavior to continue for as long as it has. Children need disipline. I feel he is acting out for a reason as well. Why not talk to your folks and ask them what they think? If he acts differently at there house, by behaving and following rules, maybe he could live there. This would not make you a bad Mother..........I agree with finding a therapist to get to the root of the problem instead of masking it and allowing it to go on. He may be physically fit, but mentally, there's something going on up there. Anger management is only a small part of this package. My baby runs 25 Tuesday.....I had a field day with her.....but disrespect was one thing she was never allowed! If you think back kids today are unruly...........not back when I was a child. We got "dancing lessons with a switch"....and I can dance like a fool.......but it put the fear of God in me and I learned what was expected of me. Oh no today, we touch a hair on their head and its off to jail for child abuse........Taking away priveledges worked for me. You just have to stick to your guns and be the adult. I wish you all the luck in the world.....theres always boot camp.........
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replied August 31st, 2008
Experienced User
wave

Thanks to both of you for responding. I appreciate your thoughts and advice. I think Zig may be on to something regarding the bio dad situation. My son has never met him and it is not an option. He has never asked me any questions and I havent ever even told him anything about him. I am sure this has got to create some turmoil for him. I also agree with the counseling too. He may feel better talking to someone else. I had already thought about asking my parents if he could live with them. However, I feel guilty asking them at their stage in life (early to mid 60's) They live 10 minutes from our home. I guess if it would help our situation and it was a temporary situation it would be well worth it!! I am going to become more pro active in this, as I have pretty much buried my head in hopes it would change on its own-how foolish. It is just soooo exhausting, frustrating etc.. I know that is not the way to "fix" our problem. I am going to get some plans in place and see if peace can be had. Again, thanks for your words and encouragement!!

~Gee
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replied August 31st, 2008
Community Volunteer
Sounds like you have a plan of action and I wish you the very best.

Your son will probably give you a hard time at first but once he realizes you are the parent and he the child and that you are not going to give in to being bullied by him or anyone else your relationship should iron out in time.

Mine used to say, mom you're not fair and being mean, etc...well one of my responses would be when you respect me then I will respect you, etc.
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replied October 23rd, 2011
Hi, I have a 9 year old son just like that. He never knew his bio. dad, who committed suicide 2 years ago. I believe strongly that some kids are just born with different temparments. However, he has a loving step dad, but both of us our involved parents and disciplinary parents and have seen lots of counsellors and getting professional help. Regardless he is a daily challenge, we have good days. Like you said where he is loving and sweet, but his temparement is "hair trigger". I wish you the best and professional support is probably the key for you and your family. Its not your fault, you are doing your best that you know how and reaching for help. So keep up the good work!
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replied August 1st, 2012
Experienced User
thats a pretty troubled case already but dont lose hope. u just have to persistent in ur efforts make ur child behave. sometimes children are a little more stubborn than one expects but that is the time when u need to be more vigilant and patient. try to tackle him accoeding to his/her nature and always give him some breathing space.
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replied September 17th, 2012
You can find many child advocates who are professional in that case. Child advocates has many year of experience they know about children behaviour very well.
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