I can't remember not being depressed. Ever. I'm 23. It's like all my positive memories, if there were any, were replaced by negative memories of my childhood. I can't remember them.
I attempted suicide the first time when I was 11. Nobody even knew that I had any problems. I was never good at communicating. I went to bed as normal that night. My mother awoke to the sound of my head bouncing off the bed, having a seizure after taking over 70 ponstan tablets. I woke up a few days later, angry and annoyed to have failed at what I thought would be such a simple task.
Then started years and years of tablets, counsellers, therapists etc.. Nothing ever worked, though. I felt more and more isolated from 'Normal' people. A school counseller even went as far as telling my friends' parents to not hang around with me, as I was 'dangerous'.
Changing schools and moving towns, I settled in to a new school. I found it easier to talk to the teachers there and to get through things. They supported me. But in college, that couldn't happen. I've been to college three times. First I dropped out, second time I didn't finish, and third I got kicked out. What a failure.
Then a bad break up, and a few years of severe drug taking ensued. Even though I've been clean nearly one year, not a day goes by when I don't think about how amazing it would be to feel numb like I did then. Except for the extreme physical pain that comes with long term use. The pain was nearly worth it, surviving it became the easiest way to forget everything else.
By sobering up and trying to start again though, I'm just a constant disapointment to myself. And to others it seems. My impulsive and agressive over-confidence has ruined many relationships, ones I thought were for life. But they don't understand what it's like to be an only child from a one-parent family, with not such an ideal childhood. Or that's the excuse I like to use anyways.
I always thought my father would some day come in to my life. He left when I was a toddler. Then I found out 14 months ago that he died in 2007. This hurts so much. I only have to think of him, and I break down. I wish I had never seen a picture of him, or heard any stories about him. I wouldn't have anything to miss then. Then his family try to contact me, and want to 'Facebook' me, F**K OFF! I can't quite grasp why they anger me so much, but the last thing I want is the other family of the man who ditched this family to want to come and talk to me about the man who ditched me. F**K OFF!
My mother is the only person I ever really talk to. But she can't help me with this kind of stuff. As it involves her, and our family, and things that involved her that have happened. I don't know where to turn to. I can't afford regular doctors visits, trying new medication, psychotherapy.. I don't know where to turn anymore. The last 2 sets of tablets I was put on made my heart race at 140-180bpm, my anxiety was through the roof, I felt extra eccentric, extreme highs and lows. And they also upped the amount I thought about dying.
My second attempt at suicide was when I was around 17. Another overdose, but because I also had alcohol in my system, it was brushed off as 'little girl cries wolf' kind. Twice last year I tried. Once I was caught before I had a chance to get much tablets in to me. The other time, I took everything in the house, and for some reason, nothing happened. I just vomitted a lot the next few days.
I don't know. I don't know who I am anymore. Or if I was anyone. I spent all my time numbing myself with marijuana, sedatives, uppers and depressants.. Do I even know who I am? Will I ever be able to form long-term meaningful relationships? I know I have the capacity to love, yet I seem to spend so much time alone and upset. Then pretending when I am around people, that everything is 'Oh So Super Duper!'.
Any thoughts on this would mean a lot...
Thanks
Saving 