So... basically none of my friends have given me any sound advice and I'm very confused on the situation. The situation may seem confusing so I will try to do my best to make a cohesive attempt at explaining it.
My girlfriend and i have been dating for two years. When we met, she was half way involved with someone, but has always explained it as nothing. She always explained that they were not explicit, they never had a title, and he was a bit of a jerk. When I met her, i swept her off her feet and she basically said goodbye to him. In fact, the day i met her she had been stood up by him. For two years, this guy consistently attempted to talk to her, text her, message her via facebook, e-mail, etc. I've been very mature about the situation and let her handle it by keeping out of it. I always trusted her and still do. I don't regret this, but I didn't understand so I didn't get involved with him. My girlfriend has expressed nothing but the upmost love for me - even to this day. She says that she loves me, and does not want to be with anyone else but lately he has gotten in the way.
For all of our relationship she would push him away, tell him that she has moved on, is in a serious relationship now and saw a future with me. They even met up one time to have serious closure so that she could fully devote her full commitment to me without having him constantly come at her. It was not until October when he reappeared and she dropped the " I want a break" on me. I freaked out a little bit, was immature about it, broke down and couldn't handle it. The break seemed to have come out of nowhere, but in reality we had issues that really upset her - I am not the greatest listener, my family is not as welcoming and open as hers, and our physical relationship was basically at a halt, but in reality, there was always more good then bad and even she knows that any relationship has it's issues. Anyhow, I freaked and tried to give her her space but the whole time was treating it like a break-up. I basically tried to win her back, without even having lost her completely. I smothered her in the beginning. Towards the end of October I gave her space, but by then I had done some serious damage. Around November we somehow started seeing more of one another and eventually picked back up where we left off. We talked about her relationship issues and she made it very clear that she did not want to be with anyone else, but our issues still stood. She went on a trip with her mother to see family and I remember her texting me how much she realizes she takes me for granted when I'm not there and that she loves me.
So around mid November, the guy reappears. I tell her that we have unresolved issues, she is becoming apathetic in the relationship and that with him around constantly dumping his sorrow and regrets on her that none of these issues will be dealt with. While, she does not agree that him around hinders our attempts to solve any pre-existing problems, she does agree that she can't fully commit to me without thinking "what if".
So at this point I laid it down, I said, "you need to figure some stuff out... fast. I don't know how you're going to do it, but just do it. I can't be in this relationship any longer if it's like this." After this conversation, she meets up with this guy during the week, and is basically very forward by telling him that she can't function in a relationship with me while he is constantly coming at her. This guy still has feelings for her obviously, so he takes it hard and cries. This is the problem, she feels guilty for what she did to him- the way she ended their "relationship", or whatever it may have been, without serious closure and now for being a jerk to him to get him to leave her alone. So now, he is still talking to her... and she is being nice because she can't get past this- she always feels bad for hurting his feelings.
The one thing that she hasn't been able to get past though is the guilt and the wondering "what if?" all the time. Not a single day goes by when she doesn't question the decisions she's made and second guess herself. So this constant back and forth is hard! One day she is satisfied with me and the next she feels guilty.
While this is constantly coming up, she always reassures me that we have our issues and things are not the same between us, but she wants to be with me and not him and that is not what this is about. CONSTANTLY she reassures this to me because she knows I am growing very tired, much as she is with dealing with this.
Finally... the other day we started talking. We mutually suggested a break from each other. I said that she has unresolved issues with him that NEED to be worked out. She also lets me know that she has been unable to deal with them without feeling guilty. She feels that she has to go behind my back to deal with them and keep him in secrecy for the sake of our relationship and I never gave her the space she needed the first time. So this time I am keeping my distance, hardly talking to her, and basically just letting her deal with this the way she wanted to initially. I am confident that she loves me and wants to be with me, and I guess I figured if it was THAT hard and she DIDN"T want to be with me she would have already ended it by now. She is probably the most mature and rational thinker i know, so playing games with me is too out of the question. If she tells me that she loves me and want's to be with me, why is she questioning "what if" and why can't she just tell him to leave her alone without feeling guilty? This situation is like none other. I just want her to deal with this, move on, and fully commit to me to resolve any issues and get back to where we were in the relationship. I really don't know how much more I can handle of this... If things to not get resolved this time, it's obvious where this relationship will be going.
I've never heard of a girl wanting a break from a relationship to figure things out. A statement like "I think we should take a break" is allways on the heels of a decision being made. She decided she wanted to see how things would go with the Ex so she requested the best of both worlds, she can basically keep you in neutral while she goes and sees if the Ex will work.
I think it is imparitive and what's more your responsibility to yourself to date other women in this time so that if she wants to resume the relationship you can do so with the confidence that you want to start things again with her. What's more if she comes back to you and you're not sure about the relationship at all offer to date her a while until things feel right for you.
Every time I've known a girl that needs to "take a break" from the relationship, if she returns, she takes another break within two years when some guy at work start to flirt hard or when she finds her highschool sweetheart on facebook. It's disrespectful to treat your partner that way.
I agree with wolf because she was with you to forget about ex now when ex is back in her life, she wants to avoid you, even my guy did the same.
they don't have any ethics for emotions and love., they feel to take a break from old one's & enjoy with every new change in life. when they feel old is better, they
come with all stupid explanation to gain our trust back. again the same will repeat after couples of weeks or months.
Don't give any more chances and spoil your life. she don't deserve u..
Well ex has not really left, and he has been persistant on trying to gain his attention back. So i think, since he has been there for two years and not stopped............. AND her being the confused persons she is says- "wow this guy has not left, maybe I am missing something."
It's hard to gauge this... not only because she says otherwise, but because whenever I am uncertain I question everything, and she lays it out - That she is confused, she needs space, and admits that SHE is the problem, but ultimately wants to be with me and loves me...
So it's hard to just escape that and say - ok I'm done with this and moving on.
Let's just say- I can take 20 steps back, see that she is the problem and that I should and NEED to move on, but it's never that easy. Thus, using a forum to talk about my problems explicitly.
Anyway, thanks for the responses. I know what's best and am trying to make it through this confusing holiday season.
Keep in mind you can love someone very much and still hurt them through your own stupidity. Go easy on your girlfriend or possibly Ex by now. This is one of those things she will look back on and feel very badly about, no point in making it worse than it has to be.