I have a wonderful husband, (and I do mean wonderful...sometimes too wonderful), and three children. I've had a rough time of it, this is not my first marriage. I went through an abusive marriage and had to fight for custody of my daughter, and on and on and on. I married one of my best friends from high school, after moving back home when I got divorced. We have a great life, (except for the hell that I put him through with this illness). I am happy for the most part. Three years ago I had a dream about another man. It wasn't that kind of dream, but it was a weird one. The man I dreamed of is someone I know, though not very well. He was a few years older than me in school and is kind of the "bad boy", if you know what I mean. He lives several houses up from me. I dreamed that he saved me from being raped by someone. I didn't think much of that dream but then more dreams followed. They were all different but were all of the same man and he was always saving me from something. I was having these dreams up to three times a week.
I told my husband about them and we talked about them together. Once, when I saw the man in my dream I told him that I had a dream about him, but I didn't tell him what it was about. From that time on, I cannot quit thinking about this man. It has been three years and I still dream about him and still think about him constantly. I don't understand what my obsession is with him. I've been completely honest with my husband and now, whenever we see this man in public, my husband gets jealous and angry. This poor man has no idea of how I feel towards him.
When I get my racing thoughts and get manic, sometimes I just want to go right to this guy's house and talk to him. For the life of me, I don't know what I'd say but for some reason I just want an answer! I want to know what it is about him that makes him stick in my mind day after day. I feel crazy sometimes. I also feel a lot of guilt even though I've not done anything wrong!
What can I do to help myself here? I don't understand if this obsession is part of my illness or what.
I can relate to your problem because I also have dreams and obsess over a man I have only met and spoken to briefly. I think we are perfect for each other but deep down I know he would never love me because I am not good enough for him. I have a wonderful loving husband and should thank my lucky stars. Instead I constantly fantasize about what my life would be/could be like IF he (the stranger on the pedestal) would love me in return. It is not about sex either. It is about finding the meaning of life. I get it in my mind that by being with that other person I would be the perfect person (always saying and doing the funniest, smartest and admirable...) with the fulfillment and happiness that makes you look up at the sky and thank God you are alive. I have dreams that "he" loves me and understands me to no end. That he is my hero who can save my soul from the constant yearning, the terrible abyss. My husband has actually been my savior and my ROCK I can always turn to for support and, well anything. Yet, I feel removed and resistant to his love. I refuse to believe that this is the life I was supposed to live. If only I hadn't been molested when I was a kid...hadn't moved around and changed schools so often...if only I had told the truth to the judge...if only my mom and stepdad did too...if only...blah blah blah...And how is it possible for me to "love" someone I don't know? Why can't I stop comparing my reality with the parallel dimension I WISH I lived in?
I don't know enough about bipolar to say if there is a connection but I have recently been preliminarily diagnosed with either Bipolar II or Cyclothymia (by my GP - awaiting psychiatric assessment) and also suffer extreme and unwanted obsessions with men - if I know them only very slightly or if I don't know them at all (but never someone I know well) so perhaps I can help.
I have always considered my obsessions with celebrity men or men from my past that I didn't/don't know well as fantasies of the "Knight in Shining Armour" variety. It is revealing that your dreams are about him "saving" you. I imagine that I would be a better person if I was just with so and so, it feels to me (particularly with celebrity/successful men) that I could be successful and, in my imagination, more "me" as a naturally "supposed-to-be-successful-person" (whether this is true or not). I frequently fantasise about them "finding me" at a vulnerable moment - when I'm incredibly sad or in some form of trouble (frequently rape or other violent fantasies) and being a)naturally able to understand and give me the answers I crave, and b) able to take away the pain and/or danger.
Does this sound anything like you?
I tend to see these obsessions as nothing to do with the man in question. Just as people with eating disorders are obsessed with food but their condition really has nothing to do with food/weight at all. (On a side note have you ever suffered an eating disorder? I have recovered from years of disordered eating and consider my new obsessions to be a replacement for those ones).
As I say, these obsessions are likely nothing to do with the man. He is there only as a "symbol" of something you crave. This does not necessarily mean that you believe this man can give you something that your husband can not give you, but rather that you imagine he can give you something you cannot/or have not yet, given to yourself - happiness, stability - you feel unable to "save" yourself and crave a "knight in shining armour" to come along and do it for you.
If any of this seems true to your situation perhaps it would be best to analyse what thoughts and fantasies you have about this man - what does he do/say to you? Could you really do this things/strive for these things yourself? Remember that it is highly unlikely that the man in question can save you or help in anyway. Unfortunately it is ultimately down to you to do this. Although it may be helpful to seek the advise of a professional.
As a last note, I do not think that this indicates that you don't love/respect/cherish your husband in anyway. I don't think you are being disloyal or should feel guilty. I think these sorts of obsessions crop up in all sorts of people under mental distress, not just those with bipolar, and it is nothing but a coping/defense mechanisim. A way of escaping your less-than-perfect reality. If you agree, perhaps you could explain this to your husband and reassure him that you would never act on this unrealistic obsession.
As you mention you think of going to this man's house when mania, perhaps try to set up some sort of method of stopping yourself from doing so in preparation. Perhaps leave a note for yourself, or a reminder of some sort, somewhere prominent, or anything else you can think of, to try and communicate to your mania-self - just in case you have a severe episode and feel it is "right" to express your feelings to this man.
Just remember that your feelings are not real, they are not love. They are a symbol of your own desperation to escape the turmoil your illness has brought upon you. Try to work, with medical practitioners perhaps, on managing your illness and helping yourself feel better. I'm sure your obsession will naturally fade away and disappear if you can find more satisfaction in your everyday life.
How do you know if it is some Bipolar fueled obssesion or if it is real? I was recently diagnossed with Bipolar II. My husband is a good man, doesn't cheat, takes excellent care of my children and is very good looking, however, it's not the best marriage - we are very mean to one another and I don't always feel like he loves me unconditionally. Is that the bipolar in me or is it him?
I am in love with someone else, have been crazy about him since the first time I saw him and I just want to know if it's real or if it's a bipolar obessesion. How can you tell what's real and what's just in your head?
Abuse of any kind is not acceptable. It is just mental, it's just words well he didn't really mean to hit me. It's a pattern that you will find yourself making excuses for him over time and the abuse will get worse until they won't need to send the paramedic but rather the coroner. I don't care if he is bipolar or not don't let him use his disorder for an excuse. I was married 15 years to the mental abuse and when she decided to pull her i'm leaving for the 4th time it was the last. I made damn sure she followed threw with the filing for divorce and I signed and hand delivered the papers back to her attorney with in 2 hours of being served. Been 3 years now and thank God I'm off that roller coaster her new BF called me to find out what the deal was with her moods I just told him RUN FOREST RUN. Don't subject yourself to it. LEAVE. Also don't buy this crap from some people on these forums of be patient if you love him you will hang in there and support him the whole time he is beating the hell out of you. Life was meant to live not to be abused my someone else. There is a reason why it's called a Disorder it's not Normal and there is no cure.
Hi. I need to chime in because I am bipolar I and I totally believe that obsessiveness is part of the disorder. However, obsessiveness about a person, an attraction, is more a manic, hypersexual kind of thing. I've been through that. But I also can become obsessed over things too, whether I am manic or not. My psych put me on zoloft as it can quell obsessive thoughts.
Hi, been reading about the obession attached to bi-polar , I met this guy once for 3 hours 3 years ago then he moved countries(in those three hours he told me about his life and his very real struggle with bi polar), he gave me a letter declaring his love for me the day before he left the country. he then continued to message me and has the idea in his head that we are meant to be together to be honest he began to scary me like when ever he sees im in a new relationship on facebook he would say its okay he undersatnds i need to live my life and for now i need to live my life and sends me love songs randomly and statements saying how perfect i am when he doesnt know me?.. well he actually back in my city i just found out coz he came across a friend of mine at the cricket and when this friend and him were buying water he saw he had a photo of me in his wallet. A recent photo which i guess he got off facebook? I am scared how can I encourage this behavior to stop?
I am also obsessing over a person right now. I've done it before - but it's been a really long time since it's been this bad. I CAN'T stop thinking about this person, no matter what I do. Sexually, emmotionally, as a friend ... it's creepy - soo damn creepy. I'm glad he doesn't know. I think he might suspect it though. There was a point where he was returning the attention. Actually I suspect he suffers from depression too - maybe bi-polar depression. Then we both got scared - he is married to an awesome girl, and I am married to an amazing man who I love with all my heart. My Counselor thinks its bi-polar because I have symptoms of mania and depression too. I am in my thirties and have lived in denial of my symptoms since my teens. I am getting evaluated by a psychiatrist tomorrow. UGH ... it's the WORST feeling in the world.
Thank you all for sharing. I am having trouble with an old friend who has recently come back into my life (ah, Facebook), and he is convinced we belong together. Nothing I've said has discouraged him, and he has been uncomfortably persistent, even claiming that he would move from his state to mine. He has been pressuring me for my phone number so he can send a picture (and he wants me to do the same), but I said no and reminded him (for the umpteenth time) that I am in a committed relationship. I then wrote a note to some people we know in common and asked (discreetly) that they not give out my phone number if he should ask for it. One of them mentioned that he may be bipolar (she wasn't diagnosing him; she knows his family) and that is what brought me here. I don't want to hurt him, but am trying to find a way to get him to understand that we're not going to happen. Now that I see obsessive thinking can be part of being bipolar, I feel better equipped to handle this. Thank you all for your candor.