Hi, I have been married to a wonderful, yet problematic woman for almost twenty years until last week when she filed for divorce. I've always known my wife had some sort of mental issues re depression and abandonment, due to never having known or met her father. I first met my wife through some mutual friends and had heard from them that she had slit herself up with razor blades when she was 17. I somehow fell in love with this young girl, I am 9 years her senior. We married when she was 21. She cheated on me with some guy she met from a college trip she went on on the night of our first anniversary. I forgave her and we continued to stay together. She has always had anger, depression, and fear of abandonment issues. Getting past the anger of her infidelity took quite some time, but we did it. We waited to have children, now 13 and 10, until she finished school, which I put her through. After we had our second child, when he was about two yrs old, she cheated again. Again, I forgave her and we eventually got past it. I chalked it up to her "illness" though I was not aware it was a bipolar condition. We've continued our marriage with many ups and downs, with her mood swings, depression, and anger stuff. We have been to counseling a couple of times and she was never really a fan but did it I guess for me. SHe began sleeping on the couch a couple of months ago supposedly due to my snoring. I noticed we were drifting further and further apart and I told her how uncomfortable I was with it, but there seemed to be no problem with it for her. I felt like I was nothing more than a roommate providing a paycheck, being a sitter, and taxi for the kids. We had a few brief discussions re the relationship and where it was headed. She began telling me that she didn't want to look in the mirror when she was 60 and realize all the things she would miss as a result of being married to me. Many other painful things were said to me that stung deeply. I suggested counseling, she refused and became totally shut off to me. She also told me she was tired of reading her G. D. Bible trying how to learn to be "the good wife" ON Memorial Day eve. I was laying in the hammock reading a book and she came out and laid her head on my chest and said not to worry that this will all just pass. My kids went away to camp out of state the week after memorial day. Our first night alone we had a tennis match together. When we got home home she showered and went directly to my sons room and began her writing, which she did a lot when she was feeling "stressed or troubled" Also she has been playing a lot on Facebook, everyday. I went to my sons room and asked why she couldn't spend just 5 minutes with me alone and she screamed that we had just played two hours of tennis! I told her I meant face to face time to see if we could talk about where we were in our marriage. She told me at that time that "it wasn't working for her anymore" and she spoke in her traditional "code words" to lead me to believe she has had another affair. I left the room without much of a word. I tossed and turned all night long thinking about getting the laptop from her to see if there as any proof of an affair. When she realized I had it she exploded and began to punch and slap me in a fit of rage. I tried again to talk to her for two hours after she calmed down but she refused. She called the police for them to come and get the laptop that was stashed in the house. She thought it was in my vehicle. When I attempted to leave the house she jumped in front of my moving van and was naturally bumped by it. She just screamed how I had just f-d up. She had me arrested for Criminal Domestic Violence, and now she has filed for divorce, has a protective order against me and bla. bla. I've been talking to a few counselors re this mess and they suggested she may be bipolar, so I started researching it yesterday. and sure enough, she fits the profile to a tee. How can I get my wife to seek treatment? All of her girlfriends are just being the man hating type cheer leaders for her and they don;t understand she needs help. They think I am a monster. But it is not the case, I've never raised a hand to my wife except to fend myself off from her attacks. I'm not allowed to have any contact with her or family members for that matter, which I should ad that there is a history of mental illness in her family and her mother is really messed up. Just crushed, not knowing how to handle any of this. I am totally overwhelmed wit trying to find a place to live, run my business, etc.... I know this was terribly long winded but that's my story that I am dealing with.
Hi. I am so sorry for all you've gone through. The best thing you can do right now is going to sound strange, but the answer is go no contact. She is out of control and anything you do she will twist and make your fault. She is currently manic and her friends are feeding her illness. As far as her laptop and Facebook, I can tell you that is trouble. Most bipolar people cheat without conscious or remorse. The minute she left your bed for the couch was when it started. Been there, seen that.
I am about the same age as you and have been through similar heart ache. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You may not believe me right now, but things are going to get better. Eat right, sleep well, get exercise and continue with counseling. Your soon to be ex will be in and out of the picture as long as you allow it. This affair will fizzle. She will come back to you begging forgiveness. But the pattern will repeat itself. Most bipolar people do not stick to their meds and therapy which is absolutely a must. For your childrens sake and your own, take care of yourself and then try to get custody. She is a mess and more than likely always will be. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You need to focus on you and your kids. I know this sounds harsh and you may still love your wife, but once they go down this road, there is no hope. I've been a member of NAMI long enough to know this pattern. Your story although very sad is not atypical. Rather it sounds all too familiar. Be kind to yourself. You've got a rough road ahead. But it will pass. You will find happiness. It will just have to be with someone else. Lastly, this illness gets worse with age. You've got a good 25 years left in you. Do you want to spend it on this rollercoaster ride from hell? I know divorce sounds horrible and starting over is difficult, but it can be done. Bipolar people have a 90% divorce rate and its on the rise due to social networking. My therapist says its more like 97% today. You are disposable to her. Sorry to be so blunt, but its the facts. Remember the best thing to do is go no contact with her, and take care of yourself for the children.
Mr. Beanz, Thanks so much for the reply. Yes, I do still love her, I should be hating her though really.....At least I do hate the illness. This is still all so fresh and painful I am just overwhelmed. I'll crawl out of my hole eventually and be a better man for it. And a better Father to my adorable kids! Thanks again for the reply. It still sux and is extremely painful...... I feel like my guts have just been ripped out and thrown into a shredder and handed back to me.
Dude, come on now. Her leaving is a blessing. Put on your big boy pants and get a grip. You got two kids who definitely need you. Let her go. She'll be this way the rest of her life. You got plenty to live for. And believe you me, there are many healthy minded woman that would love to accompany a decent man. Just give it time.
Charliein charge, I thank you for your reply. I am doing the best I can with the emotions I am currently experiencing. The go from f-her, to I miss her and I can't believe that this is reality after all we've been through in our 25 or so years together. Yes, I know she'll never change and for that knowledge I feel grateful to be shaking her from my life. I don;t need the constant aggravation and judgements that she constantly would throw my way. I jsut have to stop thinking of the days when we were so happy and madly in love. Thanks again!