I keep cutting. Deep. It's not a secret, but it's ok and no one is worried since I stear clear of the wrists now. Plus I'm not a teen anymore, I'm twenty so it's my problem, no one elses (is it even a problem? I can't tell). I don't remember why it was bad in the first place, or why I would want to stop. What with the self-hate and food issues it's not like I ever wore revealing clothes anyway. So, I guess I don't have a question. Just wanted to say something. Like how I disappear into my own head and don't realize it for hours, and how it's really hard to pull myself back to the real world once I do realize it. And how I catch myself holding my breath, and have to force myself to inhale. And it just seems like way too much work. My existence is nearly pointless. The only reason I have to stay around is that my family already lost one member to suicide, and it would be unfair of me to die. My life is a burden to others, but as long as I'm alive I can make everybody forget me and fade away into some city in a different state. If I die then they'll always remember me, and hate me. Just like we hated her, and she did deserve our anger for it. The only difference about my anger towards her when I was 15 and now is that now, I'm just jealous.
I think every family is allowed one tragic family member who's messed in the head, and she got that slot. Not me.
Somebody should probably kick me off of here. I know for a fact that there is absolutely nobody that can help me, or more importantly, nobody that wants to try hard enough to help me. It's been years. It's obvious now that I am unsaveable. Thanks for the comments guys! Super appreciated. God I would never ask to be a teen again (it was way worse, I'm guessing insanity is not helped by hormones), but I'm jealous of how worried people are of them. Of the under-agers. Eighteen is the cut off line guys, unless you aren't quite insane. If you've just got issues then you're cool, people will still try to help.
But (I bet it's just me, it's always been me. Nobody else gets treated this way except for homeless people or little kids with abusive parents/guardians) for me, once you hit that cut-off line (who's to say that that cut-off line doesn't only exist for me? Does it? Am I that worthless? God, please kill me. please? nvm w/e, sorry) there is no more help. It's all 'grow up' and 'quit being so selfish', oh, haha guess it's not much different from when I was a kid.
This is so pathetic. Nobody will read this. And look at me, not caring how this might affect the one person forced to read it. How helpless he/she will feel. Luckily for me, I know this will be a very fleeting feeling. I am worthless. And nobody cares about people they don't know.
And nobody knows me.
There's some unbreakable logic for ya.
Prove that I'm not a complete and utter failure. I dare you! Lol, sorry, don't worry about it. Everything is fine, always.