Hello all. I know there are a lot of people out there probably in a similar situation and im sure theres been hundreds of posts like mine will be. I just feel like I have to write my own little message out.
I am a 20 year old guy. I'm gay and always have been. Not my problem however. My problem is that I'm too busy comparing myself to everyone in my life that I cannot focus on getting into a relationship. Any guy I meet I compare myself to them in every single way possible. Girls are a luxury in my life. I enjoy being around girls much more than guys because again all I will be doing around a bunch of guys is having racing thoughts about what is going on in each guy's head.
Not only that but I'm sad for no reason. I'm constantly on the verge of tears. Literally. Anything will make me cry, as pathetic as it sounds. I feel empty and soulless all the time. I'm good at putting a fake smile on my face at all times. If someone were to ask what Im like the typical reply would be "a happy outgoing kid who loves everyone". As great and normal as that sounds Im not actually like that. Im very negative and worrisome and cannot find anything pleasing in my life. Im never happy for more than a few hours. Ill be happy and enjoying my time then it will dawn on me that somehow this isn't reality and Im just going to be going to sleep crying tonight, like every other night. And that is true. I cry almost every night.
I have friends, lots of them. But I don't feel totally comfortable with them. I feel like I can only be around them so much until i create an excuse to leave because I begin to panic. I worry about what people are thinking and what they aren't saying. I worry that people lie/purposely hide things from me. I have a tendency to feel the need of being constantly appreciated and shown signs of appreciation. But if I ever discover a lie or something hidden from me it is the worst feeling in the world. Like a stabbing in my stomach and its being torn out.
I have a huge amazing family, I am religious, I have a great best friend who I can say anything to. But somehow Im ungrateful for all that. I know I sound selfish and crazy but I cannot help it. I've been feeling this way ever since I hit puberty.
I have a an appt with my family doctor this tuesday. I plan on telling her that I want to be given something to make me less of a deressed, anxious, paranoid maniac. Any insight will be greatly appreciated! (and I do mean greatly. I have talked to my best friend about these issues but I know he doesn't understand it completely and really theres nothing he can do besides listen. In a normal persons life why should a human being feel sad if nothing is wrong in his/her life?)