Just a little background info first. My sophomore year of high school was when this all started. I started to cut and my parents moved me to a different school. I wasn't happy and I wouldn't eat much. I either stayed in my bedroom or I would just drive around by myself or be by myself elsewhere. I never went to a doctor for a diagnosis because I was afraid of what my parents would do if the results showed I really was depressed. I don't want them to treat me any different or act any different around me so I have avoided all subject of doctors and medication. I am now a sophomore in college and the depressive episodes happen a lot. I usually have around a week/month off where I can be a normal person and not feel down. Right now though I just have stopped caring completely. I have skipped my classes and I have homework that's do by tomorrow morning that I just don't care to do. I don't care to find a job and I don't care to earn money in any way. My boyfriend really wants me to get some help but I just don't know what to do. I don't like medications and I don't want a doctor to tell me something I already know and then try to help me by shoving pills down my throat. I don't think that actually helps. I want to get my knives out again but that would hurt my boyfriend as well and that seems to be the only thing I care about right now. I don't have a reason for being depressed or wanting to harm myself and hurt others. It's just how I feel and it just happens and I don't know what to do about it.
At one stage in your post you say you have stopped caring completely.
Ahhhh, NO, you haven't as every other word IS about how much it worries you, what you think you are doing wrong and what others might think of you.
You care, big time, just like we all do.
You are afraid and there's no reason to be if you seek help and treatment. You are but one of millions doing exactly what you are right now. Denying the truth. You see, by avoiding medical help you are simply ensuring the problem will deteriorate and be ever so much harder to recover from.
In your case doctors are essential as you have already let it grow too much and it's obsessing you.
Go see your local doctor, ask for a diagnosis and then a referral to either a therapist or a shrink. I should point out to you though that therapy is of little value to you unless your mood is raised, usually by meds via a shrink and that to achieve anything at all with treatment you must be totally honest and open about everything. If you lie to them or omit information you cannot recover.
Nobody I know likes pills, or even talking about it. But it's the only way to escape a future of misery and doom.
WHat woud your parents do when you get a diagnosis of depression? Given you seem old enough to decide for yourself they cannot force you to do anything you don't want to. Nobody can force you to be treated until you become a danger to yourself or others. And that requires 2 independent shrinks arriving at that conclusion. But it you keep going the way you are that is more and more likley. The hurting yourself is a surefire way to forced treatment.
You must take control of your illness, admit it and accept it. Then see a doc and ask for help and referrals.
If you're waiting for it to just go away then you're in trouble. That doesn't happen at the level you are already at.
You may think the above is all bad news but, in fact, it is good news. I'm advising you of the best way to recover from where you are now and the consequences of doing nothing.
It's your choice to go either way. Seek no help, deteriorate, seek help and work hard for recovery. Which do you want?