We've been married for a year and a half. We were both virgins when we got married, both (separate) choices we'd made earlier in life, so we're pretty inexperienced. I have a lot of questions that I just can't bring myself to ask anyone I know....

I get a little depressed at how often I want to have sex and he doesn't, or when I try to come on to him and he's not in the mood. Aren't guys supposed to be ALWAYS in the mood?? lol I know that's not true, but this happens often. He acknowledges that I'm "hornier" than he is (which sure makes me feel great) and feels badly about it. He has voiced that maybe there's something wrong with him, but of course I feel like it's my fault. I feel silly now acting seductive anymore because I'm obviously not very good at it!

There are alot of factors that could contribute to this for him... he has a history of depression (he used to be on medication but hasn't been for two years... has talked recently about going back on) and has huge self-image issues, both of which I know hamper the libido. He also gets stressed pretty easily about money and things like that. Also, I'm not overweight but I am out of shape, and I wonder sometimes if he's just not very attracted to my body. He's made comments about how I used to be chubby (after I got back from a semester in Europe) and how that turned him off but he pretended it didn't. Now I wonder if he's doing the same thing again! He definitely seems to get appreciative when I start working out and my stomach gets a little flatter. Most of the time when I decide to nail myself down to a workout routine it's with the mindset of maintaining a better body for him... but like with so many other things, life predictably gets busy and my determination to keep up the routine petters out.

It's not like he's insensitive or anything... not perfect, but he's really the most loving, caring man I know. He works hard to provide income and is home a lot because his schedule is flexible, so he does most of the laundry, vacuuming, that kind of thing. He always tells me that he loves me and loves being around me, misses me when I'm gone, and tells me that I look good. He thanks me for working and for doing normal things like making dinner or washing the dog. He works hard at keeping our relationship healthy and communicating well. I feel guilty for complaining about anything about him. I know a lot of women would kill for such a husband. I know what I catch I've got! That's another reason that I really want to iron out these issues - he knows I'm not very happy with our sex life, and it makes him feel unmanly and like it's his fault. I hate that I make him feel that way.

Occasionally when we make love it's fantastic, but most of the time I'd give our sex life a 3 or 4 out of 10. I'd never tell him that. I've not been able to have a vaginal orgasm, although I think I might have gotten close once - but it just felt like I was about to pee myself and I made him stop because it was so uncomfortable. But he really likes it when I cum so he tries to manually stimulate me, which works sometimes, but most of the time he's too rough and I just have to make him stop. The times that it does work he has to work so hard at it and for so long that his hand will cramp and I just feel horrible for being so difficult. Which makes it harder to be turned on.

The thing is, most of the time when we make love, I'll just be getting warmed up and turned on and then he'll cum and it's all over - which, needless to say, is extremely disappointing. (That's part of the reason he has to work so hard to make me cum - I'm rarely turned on enough at that point to be near orgasm.) I'm embarrassed to think about how many times I've felt like crying - or have cried, in the bathroom where he can't see me - afterwards. I've talked to him about needing more foreplay and build-up, and for a couple of times after saying that he'll get better but then seems to forget. Before we were married, when we weren't having sex, making out was all we could do so we'd do it for hours and I would get really aroused. Sometimes I would even orgasm just by grinding. But now that we make out with the intention of having sex, that part doesn't last very long.

I also can't tell him exactly what I want in bed... I know the magazines tell you to direct him... that's just so embarrassing! I feel so silly voicing my inner sexual desires and fantasies. We've talked about this issue a little. He wants me to open up but I haven't been able to make myself... just can't get the words to pass my lips! I know that's probably the main reason our sex life is so unsatisfying to me. I've asked him what he thought could improve about our sex life and he just says that he likes sex and there's nothing wrong with it. During sex he'll occasionally tell me what feels good for him or ask me to do something; but then sometimes I end up feeling like I'm the one doing all the work and that just turns me off. Which is no good. He'll just lay there while I'm doing whatever and I'm already not too aroused so... you can see where that goes. I've read cosmo articles, tips, karma sutra and erotic massage... I've tried to get him to experiment with kinky ideas but he balks. I bought a chocolate soap bar for Valentine's Day and it's still sitting in the cabinet. He also doesn't seem to "do" french kissing... tongue isn't something he uses too much... but I really wish he would!!

Another issue that bothers me (and I feel selfish for letting this one bug me) is that he refuses - REFUSES - to go down on me. (I do go down on him.) He did while we were engaged, until one time that he had to stop because he said that I tasted just awful. Turned out that I'd had BV (bacterial vaginitis, which makes you smell like fish and have funky discharge) for a long time - like, years - without knowing it, so no wonder it was so gross. (I didn't know the odor was unusual!) It took two treatments to get rid of it. But it's been gone for about a year and a half now, as long as we've been married, and he still refuses to do it again. He half-jokes that he was "scarred" by the taste. I feel so gross when he says that!

So, all that to ask a few questions....

1. Any advice for how to handle it when I come on to him and he shuts me down? OR,
2. Any tips on seducing him???
3. Should I really just buckle down and keep a workout routine? Is it really important? Am I being an ass by not making it a priority?
4. Can you train yourself to have a vaginal orgasm? I've read that you can. But is it supposed to feel like you're about to pee?? ...Is it possible that I might not LIKE to orgasm??
5. Any advice about learning to tell him what I like and what I want him to do?
6. He has a hard time holding back orgasm... if he tries really hard he can, by making us stop, but even then sometimes he can't hold it back and then it's not as good, which is disappointing to both of us. Any tips for getting better at that?
7. Any advice about the oral sex thing?
8. And another issue... He straight up won't have sex with me while I'm on my period. He says it's because it's messy. Do a lot of guys avoid sex for that reason?