I'm an adult diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have been making a lot of observations about "the way things work" in my world in subtle and various ways. One, I have been feeling this flighty neurosis where if I'm not with people I feel so lonely and ill. I started thinking, maybe it's a need to belong that is making me neurotic. I also wonder how much neurosis relates to schizophrenia, and how the personality is defined with someone who has schizophrenia. A relative offered her insight: maybe it was hormones and your mother? But I'm not sure if that could have caused it.
Then we got on the topic, if a man with a brain tumor walked into a psychiatrist's office he would get the same treatment as someone with brain damage or someone with some strange cause for it. Initially I never hallucinated when I became ill as a teen, I became flushed and disorganized and I had thought disorder symptoms. I didn't think straight, in other words. Then I went through a whole cycle of cause/effect with inadequate hospitals and wondering about how much trauma related to schizophrenia, alas the trauma was so buried beneath layers that I couldn't figure it out. Recently I wondered if faith were the issue. But either way, faith does seem to help.
I just wonder how you can treat neurosis, other than moving to a city and socializing more often. Gradually becoming a part of the world- instead of living outside it. Does this have anything to do with medication? should I keep taking it on top of gradually becoming more social and stable? It's so hard to tell if it's what helped me become more able to handle reality and people. I think it has, I think medication HAS helped. The sense of inadequacy, finding stability, etc. drives the question of whether or not or what/is normal? Writing, finding inspiration, wondering if mania makes me more creative and brilliant Stuff like this...and then paranoia that others are boring.
I don't know if that makes sense, I wonder if it's neurosis to feel so alien sometimes or if I'm just projecting myself onto the world, and feeling like I have to belong/and feeling left out. Death...another cause of neurosis. Death, mother, and etc. The fact that I will never know what causes my schizophrenia, and can't define it alongside neurosis accurately...what would neurosis have to do with the beginning phases?
Maybe a lot. maybe It was the whole locking myself in my room, not socializing, writing too much poetry stuff. Or maybe the illness caused my behavior. It's so confusing. Well, I hope someone GETS what I mean or what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say that I don't have all the answers for myself, but I am trying so hard to live a normal/stable/secure life. That society reads too much into things, that goes across the boards. that I'm a normal human being, but that I'm conflicted...and I guess that IS normal for the human state.
I just wonder what causes me to worry so much about the medication, and placing myself inside this system--if it is a system? Or if I have a place that i can call my own outside it, and if medication could ever become a form of social control/dominance. Well those would be different medications. IS this like slight paranoia? Because I can handle eating food and not worrying about someone poisoning it, and I can handle drinking water without worrying about crazy Alex Jones but I can't seem to stop worrying about the medication I take...despite that it fixes my worry. I don't get it.
No, they might not be hurting us on purpose, but they are hurting us none the less, for some of us it's our best option, but none the less not a good one.
You should see what the pills are doing to alot of us, I have kidney problems from them, not to mention what they are doing to my liver and heart, and cardiovascular system. And my brain.
I would say distrust them, almost everyone for that matter, but distrust them in the right way, I suppose they aren't trying to hurt us, but that's what's happening isn't it.
And you really have to wonder how much they should be distrusted, I've had some really bad and scary things happen to me in my struggles, not to mention the medicines that are allowed to go on the market even though they know that they shouldn't.
I'm going to, as we all should, probably read some of the malicious things that have been done by doctors of all fields, I wonder what I can find.
Most medications have side effects. This doesn't mean someone maliciously engineered them to harm you. I am sure there is some corruption out there, but they could not get away with this on a grand scale. Too many checks and balances.