I'm an adult diagnosed with schizophrenia. I have been making a lot of observations about "the way things work" in my world in subtle and various ways. One, I have been feeling this flighty neurosis where if I'm not with people I feel so lonely and ill. I started thinking, maybe it's a need to belong that is making me neurotic. I also wonder how much neurosis relates to schizophrenia, and how the personality is defined with someone who has schizophrenia. A relative offered her insight: maybe it was hormones and your mother? But I'm not sure if that could have caused it.
Then we got on the topic, if a man with a brain tumor walked into a psychiatrist's office he would get the same treatment as someone with brain damage or someone with some strange cause for it. Initially I never hallucinated when I became ill as a teen, I became flushed and disorganized and I had thought disorder symptoms. I didn't think straight, in other words. Then I went through a whole cycle of cause/effect with inadequate hospitals and wondering about how much trauma related to schizophrenia, alas the trauma was so buried beneath layers that I couldn't figure it out. Recently I wondered if faith were the issue. But either way, faith does seem to help.
I just wonder how you can treat neurosis, other than moving to a city and socializing more often. Gradually becoming a part of the world- instead of living outside it. Does this have anything to do with medication? should I keep taking it on top of gradually becoming more social and stable? It's so hard to tell if it's what helped me become more able to handle reality and people. I think it has, I think medication HAS helped. The sense of inadequacy, finding stability, etc. drives the question of whether or not or what/is normal? Writing, finding inspiration, wondering if mania makes me more creative and brilliant Stuff like this...and then paranoia that others are boring.
I don't know if that makes sense, I wonder if it's neurosis to feel so alien sometimes or if I'm just projecting myself onto the world, and feeling like I have to belong/and feeling left out. Death...another cause of neurosis. Death, mother, and etc. The fact that I will never know what causes my schizophrenia, and can't define it alongside neurosis accurately...what would neurosis have to do with the beginning phases?
Maybe a lot. maybe It was the whole locking myself in my room, not socializing, writing too much poetry stuff. Or maybe the illness caused my behavior. It's so confusing. Well, I hope someone GETS what I mean or what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say that I don't have all the answers for myself, but I am trying so hard to live a normal/stable/secure life. That society reads too much into things, that goes across the boards. that I'm a normal human being, but that I'm conflicted...and I guess that IS normal for the human state.
I just wonder what causes me to worry so much about the medication, and placing myself inside this system--if it is a system? Or if I have a place that i can call my own outside it, and if medication could ever become a form of social control/dominance. Well those would be different medications. IS this like slight paranoia? Because I can handle eating food and not worrying about someone poisoning it, and I can handle drinking water without worrying about crazy Alex Jones but I can't seem to stop worrying about the medication I take...despite that it fixes my worry. I don't get it.
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