Hi All, this is my first post here so please go easy on me!
I am doing this as a bit of an act of desperation and I am particularly keen to hear from any females who have experience of my issues.
I am 41 years old, my 37 year old wife and I have been married 9 years and together for 15. I am her only lover and we have 3 fabulous kids.
Following the birth of our 3rd child we didn’t have sex for a long time and during this time I was trying but my wife was not so keen and I guess I eventually gave up trying (complacent I know). But we were all happy aside from this and things were rosy.
Since our child was born I have changed jobs and got a huge payrise, this has meant that some of the debts I previously had are gone. My wife was not aware of these as she does worry a lot and it was a difficult time when she did find out. But I felt this was behind us as we were definitely making good inroads on finding financial security.
About 3 months ago my wife said one morning ‘I am really in the mood for love!’ Well you can imagine my response I was sooooo excited and couldn’t wait! We had a kiss and touching session when the kids weren’t around during the day and neither of us could wait for the kids to go to bed!
When the moment arrived it was amazing. It was very sensuous and we both climaxed intensely. We both agreed it had been far too long. We had some amazing love making and during this time I felt like I was on cloud 9. I was successful at work, had a great family and my wife that I adore couldn’t keep her hands off me!
Then about 6 weeks ago it all came to a halt for no apparent reason. During these last 6 weeks I have felt exactly the same in that I tell her she looks fab all the time and I tell her I love her at every chance. These are 2 things I have not done on a regular basis for too long. She is confused and concerned by my sudden interest in her but as I now have no secrets I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
About 10 days I was awoken by her shuffling a lot in her sleep. I believed at the time she was masturbating and this was a shock to say the least. I could feel rhythmic movement in the bed and her breathing patterns gave off all the signs she was preparing to orgasm which she duly did with a very muffled moan. I was lying there in a state of shock as one of my ultimate fantasies was happening right next to me!
I said and did nothing. The next night I managed to not sleep and exactly the same thing happened again. I grabbed myself and began to gently stroke myself at which point she stopped to ask if I was masturbating, I replied no but I did say ‘I thought you were?’ She flat denied this and no more was said on the matter. This did continue a few more nights which resulted in me not getting much sleep as I was extremely anxious about the whole thing. I know women need to have ‘their’ time but why do it right next to me when she knows I am extremely keen on making love to her and why deny it?
Anyways move forward a few more nights and I was lying with my hand across her stomach as she lay on her back in bed. I was waiting to see what would happen and after about 10 minutes she placed her arm on top of mine and began to rythmically move her arm. I left my arm really still and despite feeling like my heart was shaking the whole house I managed to not distract her. This continued for about 5 minutes until I gently moved and whispered ‘let me join in.’ She got very cross and said my behaviour was really annoying. She then rolled over and after a short while the movement continued.
The following morning she told me she doesn’t masturbate as if she does feel horny she will simply ask me. Good news I thought but then the very next night we are in the same position and she rolls on to her side and then reaches around to touch herself again. About 20 mins of gentle sighing and laboured breathing she muffles quietly and then raises her hand to her mouth.
I am lying there thinking to myself what am I doing wrong?
I would not consider myself unattractive but I guess I must be to her at the moment as she is shunning all of my advances and get herself off with me lying right beside her.
She is not very good at talking about sex and would not ever do so in public as she would get very embarrassed, so if I were to suggest us sharing it and doing it together she would probably think I am being a pervert and continue to deny she does it.
How do I bring it up in conversation?
What might she be thinking about me to lie there jilling herself off right beside me?
Hi duffman1 and welcome to ehealth: I would say you tell her what you are writing in this note...Find out why she is more content in masturbating rather than having sex...As far as your thinking that she may think you are perverted to talk about this, here you are wrong...We women may hesitate getting started, but once the barrier is broken down we have a lot to give....What may she be thinking about?....These are our secrets...Our private thoughts....You see just as you men have yours, we also have ours...
Bring your problem out in the open...Maybe she just needs a little nudge to let the tiger that lives within her free...I wish you well...Take care...
I have had to endure 2 more occurances of her masturbating duriong the last 5 nights. Each time I have pretended to be asleep and each time the same pattern.
Her lying on her front and once I start to 'sleep' (I give off deep brrething/ occasional snoring noises) she then starts to have laboured / deep breathing herself. This is followed by and accompanies rythmic movements and occasional twitches.
I get to hear the moisture created as she touches herself and this does excite her more as she twicthes and sighs at these points. She does quiff occasionally too as the air gets trapped.
I am at my wits end and cannot stop thinking about this. She does not approach me ever for sex I ALWAYS make the first move and on one of the occasions above she turned me down and then 40 mins later was bringing herself to orgasm!!??
She tells me masturbation is disgusting and not something she does and has ever done but I now KNOW she is doing it and seems t want to flaunt it in fornt of me / is not afraid of me possibly finding out. Failing that she just thinks I am asleep and wont ever find out.
I appreciate that masturbation is a normal healthy part of any sex life but what I want more than anything is the opportunity to either bring myself off while she does the same or at least to help her enjoy the moment?
I am confident she will point blank refuse that she does these things and it will lead to a huge row. THe last time I raised the issue I was in the spare room for 4 weeks and since then the issue has never been mentioned again.
On each of the last 2 occasions I have heard her masturbating I have waited until she has finished and then I have got up immediately after to go take a drink and have a pee. Each time I have entered the room less than 2 mins after leaving and she is then pretending to be asleep.
I think she must know that I know.
It makes me feel incompetent in the bedroom and she can help my now "spat upon and battered" male ego if she would talk about it and maybe even let me join in in some way or another.....
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help with any advice you can give!!! I am going insane......
I think she's not being fair on you by denying sex and then masturbating next to you, she obviously feels horny.
Have you brought her to orgasm in the past? That could be one reason she prefers masturbating alone and/or that she's embarrassed about it.
You should let her know that masturbating is normal, natural for people and it's nothing to be afraid or embarrassed about.. Two people can share it together and that you're her husband she should feel comfortable enough to discuss and share it with you, it's what couples who are in love do.
You need to make her realise that it's normal so that she also doesn't think you're acting in a perverted way.
When we have sex I often bring her to orgasm first by performing oral, this drives her wild. If I dont perform oral on her she will often go on top and this then makes her climax too.
I always try to make sure she has her big 'o' first as it is always difficult to please her once I have orgasmed. Sometimes she wont have an orgasm but she does say it is not always about having an orgasm, it just feels nice having me in there!
In summary i dont think she would say I dont give her her fair share of orgasms.
She did say when I questioned her a few months ago about her possible masturbating while I was sleeping that if she is feeling frisky/horny I have you so why would I need to masturbate. This escalated in to a huge row and as mentioned above this resulted in me getting the spare room for a month!
I do know the only way I am going to get her to admit she does it is to catch her in the act. But as I am 'pretending' to sleep I cant suddenly jump and say 'are you masturbating!!'
If I try to talk to her during the normal day/evening she will think I am being perverted and this WILL cause another row.
How can I sort of tell her "I know what you do and I am totally fine with it, I would love to get involved - would you like this?
I know you are thinking - there is your answer, just ask her outright but this would cause the mother of rows!!
I don't mean to sound tragic but just wanted to point out another possibility. Bear in mind I have read all posts above. If she isn't communicating with you about sex, is denying her masturbation tendencies and doesn't want you for intimacy perhaps she just needed you to have kids. Another words she may be lesbian. I would also ask her if she's fantasizing about you while she masturbates, another man, or a woman for that matter.