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Need to vent.

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My job consumes most of my time. I feel absolutely miserable there. I am always feeling bitter and angry. On my good days I try to be pleasant, but then I get is an attitude. This makes my attitude come out. I am feeling less and less impatient with people and their stupidity. Customers take out the batteries of the cameras asking me to print the pictures off it. It just feels I am in an environment where I have no control over anything. I used to be so nice because I wanted to. I have lost my true nice quality. Now I just fake it. I’m so tired of the same old routine. I go to work, come home, sleep, and the next day it starts all over again.

I have been a bit lonely and maybe a little depressed. I think it mostly comes from working in a bad environment, where people only pretend to like you and then they talk behind your back. Even the customers are rude and lie just to get what they want. Working there has made me distrust people so much and I feel I have pushed some people away or at the least feel very distant from them. I feel like I need to do something with people to be happy and people don't want to do anything because of my bad mood.

I don’t have a single relationship with anyone which can be described as “friendship, buddy or someone to just hag out with.” Any time I try to ask someone to do this or that, I either get an excuse why they cant do anything or no answer. People are always “we need to hang out soon”, but we never do. I’m tired of these empty promises. I understand things do come up sometimes, but this happens all the time. If they don’t really want to be my friend, tell me so I can stop holding on. A lot of times when I am hanging out with two of my friends, I feel like a third wheeled or left out because the two are much closer and talk about things I have no idea about or I am too afraid to participate in the conversation.

I am extremely lonely. I am finding it difficult to approach people to start or even re-build a relationship. I find myself avoiding communication. Fearing it will just result in conflict. I feel conflict in a relationship means it has failed in some way. I’m lonely for hugs; the simple longing for contact is the hardest one to shake. I just feel I never relate to anyone anymore. And since it looks like everyone relates well with each other, I must be the one with the problem. I am like the old phrase, “out of site out of mind”. I often wonder why it’s so hard for me to talk to people. Why I have this constant sinking feeing in my chest. Why it takes so long for me to feel comfortable with people. It feels like I built a wall and each year it gets taller and taller. I want to break it down, but I have know idea how. I want to be loved I want to be held and cherished. I want to trust another person and know I am cared for.

I feel stupid in social situations. I am afraid that I am hollow, a dumb person and have nothing to offer to anyone. What good is my heart if my voice is mute and my nature is bland and devoid of the things that make a person lovable. It seems like everywhere I look people are connecting and couples holding hands. I seem perpetually alone. I sit as observer of life, but not as a participant. I want to live, to touch, but I seem just to retreat to my bedroom and “enjoy” being alone instead.

I am in such a rut. Doing the same things every day, every week, every month. I feel like I am going crazy. I have many interesting ideas, but I can’t get motivated. I know what I need to get started and get going. Then I lose interest and pack it all up and sit like a zombie. I feel like there is an emptiness in my soul and I have nothing to fight for. It seems I have lost all hope.

Since a car accident I had about two months ago I have been finding it harder to concentrate. I am confused about little things. I have been more forgetful than usual; mostly with my short term memory. I get small headaches a lot. Not the kind that hurt, but the kind that are annoying and linger. My whole body aches. My feet are in constant pain from standing at work all day. , my shoulder and back have been hurting; usually when I am at work.

My family hardly talks to each other. My brother is the worst. He barely talks to anyone. The two of us went to a restaurant with some friends. He didn’t say a word on the way there or on the way back. He barely said anything there. We were there to watch a football game. The restaurant brought free pizza out for everyone to eat, he didn’t have one piece. He had two cheese sticks the entire time we were there. He acted like he didn’t even want to be there, no one forced him. He has never once even invited me over to his house. The only time I have ever been invited were because his girlfriend (now ex), a house guest he had for the week (ex’s best friend) or his best friend (feels more of a brother to me than my real brother) invited me. My mother is so overbearing. If I’m just ten minutes later than usual coming home from work, she asks in a worried tone “why am I late”. I decided to go on a vacation by myself, just to get away from everything. First she demanded I not go. I told her I was old enough go and she can’t stop me. Then she said I have to text her everyday. To shut her up, I said fine. I get back and my dad tells me she did not rest well the whole time I was gone.

I noticed I am very happy while cooking. I tried finding some kind of cooking club. Something that people once a month or what ever get together to share food and talk. But sadly I can not find one that sounds good or just has too many restrictions on what can be made. Maybe I should try to start something like that with the people I already know. I also enjoy the outdoors very much and am planning a backpacking trip for myself once it gets warmer.

I want to be around people. I am completely alone. On days I want to be left alone I need to be at work where I cant be. Then on my days off I want to be with someone and have no one. I sometimes go to the movies just to get out of the house. I want to be thought of. It hurts when people I think of as friends do things, that I would love to do and they don’t even bother to ask me. Everyday I look at my phone and everyday no texts or missed calls. It makes me wonder why I even have a phone.

After my birthday (November), I cried pretty much everyday. I don’t as much now, but I am just as lonely. I want to love. Have the soft touch of a woman. A gentle tug at my hair. Taste a woman’s lips. I want a best friend, someone to talk to. I want to get to know someone, hold them. I want to be apart of something. I want someone to miss me. I need a good long hug. I want to be happy again. I want to hang out with people and stop hurting all the time. I feel like I am fading away.

There is something wrong with me when it comes to the area of love. I never know what to do or say. It takes me far to long just to let a girl know I like her. I want to open up to a conscious love relationship, while another part of me fears being abandoned, hurt, suppressed, manipulated, or being unable to be myself in that relationship. I also feel like I am on the shelf and ill never meet anyone. Honestly I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. I m just expected to be different than I am. Like that my in experience in dating is so apparent that it’s going to turn off and doom anything I do find. I fear I am too timid to pursue my heart’s desire and be alone fro the rest of my life. It’s very true that it’s not the times you fail or the times you make an ass of yourself you regret the most, it’s the times you loose your nerve and don’t even try.

I have thought of suicide a lot. Not that ill actually do it. I usually think how easy it would be and how nobody would miss me. It would be easy to pull up a little more at a red light and let myself get hit. What’s really saddens me is most people I know would not even find out for weeks, some even months. I just feel like I don’t matter and that I don’t have a whole lot to live for.

After listening to Lady Antebellum’s need you now and realized I can’t even think of any that I would even say that to. I’ve joined stuff like eharmany, life knot and meetup.com to try to meet people. I can’t seem to find any body interesting on eharmany or life knot. Meetup.com I can barely find good groups. When I do, the events are either too far, not interesting, or I am afraid to go by myself.

Lately I am starting to feel asexual. I don’t feel attracted to any women and feeling unattractive to them also. I used to flirt with my female friends all the time, now I don’t even feel interested in that. Storing all this love inside for so long with out letting any out is starting to hurt a lot. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I feel so trapped. I hear all the time “things will get better” or “ oh, you’ll met the right person in time”. well, it would be nice just meet somebody, it doesn’t need to be the right person. It does not seem like things are getting better. I’m starting to think that just the way life is unfair to us nice fold. Life just pounces the niceness right out of us.

Well, there is my very long rant., I just needed to let it all out somewhere.
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replied March 9th, 2011
Experienced User
it is a ver long "rant" as you call it, but to me, it was worth reading. it seems like, maybe you need to try to find another job, first off, because if people are talking behind your back, and just doing things purposefully to irritate you, you need to go right on and pull youself out of the situation. and as far as friends, get yourself out to a public place where there is a lot of people, try helping others there, for example; go to walmart even, and help the elderly folks who maybe cant reach high enough to get what item it is that they need. or maybe help somebody when they drop something; a pregnant lady dropping change. just look for ways to help other people, and it will spark up random conversations to where you will actually have somebody to talk to. in my own personal situation, i was at a walmart in town, and there was a woman who came over to the bench i was on, and set down next to me, and she was ......(to be continued)
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