Medical Questions > Relationships > Troubled and Abusive Relationships Forum

Need help in getting someone to leave an abusive relationship

Complicated. In a nutshell: Sam, now early 20's fell in love with a girl, now early 20's, yrs ago in their teens. Pam came from a strict christian household,also homeschooled. Pam's Father wouldn't allow the 2 to date. But secretly, they would connect with each other on and off for several yrs. Feelings for each other never died. During those yrs, Pam was encouraged and allowed to date another guy, Billy. Pam soon became pregnant. Pam & Billy moved in together in a rental house. Pam miscarried. Pam became pregnant again, Billy gave her an engagement ring, but although the child is now over a yr. old, he never married her. Billy works regularly, and wanted Pam to stay home. Billy has a motorcycle, but mostly drove Pam's car to work and when he'd go out on the weekends. Billy liked having Pam at home, but he also likes to do his own thing regularly. Often gone for a couple of nights on the weekend and would return home in the early morning hours...drink, party, ??? with others. Billy had a very troubled youth, hard drinking & druggie parents. Billy was also in trouble with the law, even before Jr. High, and it continued. Billy had several restraint order against him from past girlfriends, since High School. Billy continued with same pattern of behavior of being controlling, constantly calling and checking up on Pam's whereabouts, while at work. Billy has been mentally, verbally and physically abusive to Pam for most of the 3 to 4 yrs, that they have been together. Billy has threatened Pam's life on several occassions. Pam is a very smart, sweet, yet unexperienced young woman, who's self esteem and confidence have been greatly affected thru all of this. Billy even missed their child's 1st birthday, because he was "out", doing his thing. Meanwhile Sam had dated a few other girls, but his heart remained with Pam during all of this time. Then last spring, out of desperation, Pam connected with Sam again. Out of friendship at 1st, just someone to talk to. Well, their feelings for each other rekindled, and they secretly continued to see each other for several months. Pam found out that she was pregnant, and knew that it was Sam's child, because she and Billy hadn't had relations with each other since she became pregnant with Billy's child, who was now a toddler. Sam had been trying to help Pam, get strong enough to leave her abusive relationship for months. And she was trying to mentally prepare herself to do this, but she was also very afraid of Billy's reaction. Billy had seen a picture on a social network of his child & Pam trick or treating at Sam's parents home, on Sam's homepage. Billy wasn't there, because he was out again. When Billy saw the picture, that also showed Sam passing out the candy to his child, Billy beat the hell out of Pam, in front of his child screaming. If not for the child screaming,Pam believes that Billy would of killed her, as he'd threatened to. Billy also threatened Sam's life or bodily damage, even if it meant jail time (He has a probation officer) Billy broke Pam's phone (again) and they lived in the country with no neighbors close by to hear. With reluctance and some convincing, Pam and child went to her parents home the next day. No police report was made. Couldn't get Pam to do it, again, as this wasn't the 1st time. With the strict relgious upbringing, she did not want to go back home either, but did so. There she has remained for the last 3 weeks. And now her parents, through this whole situation, have come to know, support, and like Sam. They have even given him their blessings with their daughter. Sam loves Pam deeply, wants the their child, and would easily love and accept Pam & Billy's child as well. Sam did grow up in church, just not the same kind of religious upbringing as Pam. Sam is in the process of buying a home with acerage, works steadily at the same job for yrs. Sam and Pam are normally, very happy together, have fun with each other, and understand one another.Pam professes to love Sam....but, for some reason is struggling with letting go with Billy, although they virtually had no life together, just a very abusive relationship. Pam's parents and family have been talking around the clock to Pam, to try to get thru to her. Finally going to pick up her belongings, left at the rental house. Pam is afraid that when Billy finds out the truth about Pam & Sam, and the pregnancy, he will become violent again, even against her family and Sam, as well as herself. Pam had even considered an abortion, even though it was against her upbringing. Sam told Pam, and her parents, that he woulld want the child himself, even if he and Pam did not marry. Pam is struggling with guilt, shame, that she didn't do enough... and that she's never had the chance for independence. But....she still loves Sam? Help!
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replied November 27th, 2009
Extremely eHealthy
I think she needs to speak to someone professional with the help and support of family and friends...Jenny
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replied December 1st, 2009
I couldn't agree more... but it seems that it falls on def ears to the girl's parents ears. Believe that they believe soley on the power of prayer. I have a strong faith, but also respect the help of professionals. I gave them a name and number of a christian counselor that helped me yrs ago.
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replied January 2nd, 2010
Definately need the skilled help with this one.
IcebergRose
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replied January 2nd, 2010
Extremely eHealthy
Sam needs to allow Pam to move on with her life regardless of which decisions she makes. Coaxing Pam into adultery has only worsened her situation, lowered her self-esteem and increased Billy's control over her. Sam's support is preventing Pam for dealing with the realization of her relationship with Billy and his support is preventing her from getting real help. Sam needs to tell Pam he cannot watch her crash her life over and over again. That he will be there for her if she needs help but he can't be in her life anymore if she's going to continue to remain in her abusive relationship. Pam cannot be made to get help if she doesn't want it.
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