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What's wrong with me?

I like to bite people's hands especially their fingers. I don't know why but hearing them scream in pain makes me sink my teeth deeper. I also like biting myself.

I tend to grow my fingernails long so I can hear the screeching noise it makes when i scratch something. I like to scratch or imbed my fingernails on someone. My relatives are the ones that usually gets it.

Aggressive.

Almost killed my brother. With an eyebrow trimmer thingy. I slashed the upper part of his neck and stab his leg with a ballpen.

Like's talking in different languages and watch how people wonder what the hell I'm saying.

I once chugged down a bottle and a half of liquid soap. Thinking it was grape jelly juice.

I often feel numb. My head feels numb. My body feels numb.

Fascinated with cannibalism. It freaked Mom out.

I hardly blink.

I can go on for two weeks without sleep.

I always feel like I'm about to die. I'm only sixteen turning seventeen but i feel like I'm already 65 or something that I'm already going to die soon. I always imagine myself at my deathbed.

Having doubts. Like Christ etc. is only a pigment of our imagination just like a kid makes up an imaginary friend when he/she needs someone to depend on.

I don't like to take baths frequently feeling that the world may flood and end while I'm still bathing.

I feel like I can understand my dog or any other animals.

I feel bad for an un-animated object. Like when a spoon didn't get pick to be used.

Like something will happen if i did something. Like if I go out someone will die because i go out.

I don't want to go out.

I can hear people talking about me. Saying negative things about me.

I tend to daydream on how to successfully kill someone and hide it.

Loves watching psychological thrillers. Likes engaging,deep and brain twisting books.

Fascinated with WWII.

I tend to feel good about myself then feel crap.

Mom says she can't keep up with me. Like when I'm talking she always tell me that I'm speaking too fast and that the words seem mumbled and pure gibberish.

I can read people's faces and thinking pattern.

Mom says I'm going to the hospital.

Well that's all,most of it. Help me. Help me. Help me?
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replied May 13th, 2010
Supporter
I,m really sorry but your Mom is right. Something is definately wrong with your mental state of mind. I'm wondering why you are so preoccupied with daydreaming about how to kill someone. I am also wondering if you are using this forum as a joke to see what kind of response you will get. If that's what your doing than shame on you. If you are being truthful then you are lacking compassion and empathy of others without any regard to what they feel. If you don't get help now you may grow up to be a very violent person. When you say can hear people say negative things about you do you really hear them, or do you hear them inside your head. You definately have a preoccuption with death. Do you want to feel normal, happy, contented? Your Mom loves you and wants the best for you. How do your relatives feel about you? Were you punished for hurting your brother, is their some jealousy issues going on? I'm so glad that you did'nt say you like to hurt animals. Have you always been this way, or is this something you have been struggling with recently? I agree with your Mom, you need professional, a stay at a mental institution, would be something that could benefit both you and your family relationship.
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replied May 13th, 2010
I do want to become normal. I don't hurt animals. Because i feel that they are the only ones that love me unconditionally. I'll tell you something about my life as a kid. I was a battered child. My dad would beat me up until my skin would become bloodshot red with massive spots of deep purple. It would normally take 3 days to heal so i can walk again. Mom never did anything to help me. Sure,she would try to stop Dad,but she never alert the authorities. At the age of three i already know that what he did to me needs punishment. I also experience being put in a rice dispenser. I was small as a kid. He also put me in a sack. He would lock me away in a dark bathroom with cockroaches and spiders as my company. There's more but i can't bear to type them anymore. It pains me. It hurts me. Well,as you can see i can still type and think like a normal people. And that's what scared my doctor. Mom loves Dad too much. He loves that jerk too much. Oh did i mentioned he burned my right leg with an iron set on 4? Thanks for the reply i do appreciate it.
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replied May 14th, 2010
Supporter
Thank you so much for sharing, I know it must have been hard. I do understand how you feel, I also grew up in an abusive home but it was my sister who was mentally insane who did the abuse. My parents could not control her. I was beat day after day. It started when she was three and never ended. Tell your Mom to take you to the hospital, I have admitted myself into psychiatric hospitals for myself, I needed the counseling and it helped me tremendously. I'm suprised no one else in your immediate family ever saw their was something wrong. To protect yourself and your siblings go to your school psychologist and confide in her. She can help but warn her not to send child protective services to the home because it could put you in jeopardy. You all need to be removed from the home and put in a safe place. You need counseling, alot of it, because you do not want to continue the cycle of abuse. Please talk to me anytime, I understand, and want to help you anyway I can.
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replied May 16th, 2010
I think your sister and I is in the same place. I too did beat my brother at the same age as three and continue doing so. Well,the results came in yesterday. My doctor told me I'm Bipolar with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and developing Schizoprenia. I know what Bipolar is. But I don't know BPD and Schizoprenia. I'm staying at the hospital now. Mom said I might stay here for 4 months to a year. I'm insisting on keeping my laptop with me. Do Mental Inst. allow that? The other kids have it with them too. Thanks for your concern.
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replied May 16th, 2010
Supporter
I think they may allow you to have your laptop because it is not a threat to your life, but expect them to moderate it. When I was admitted they took away the paiens make-up, anything with glass, just anything you could hrm yourselt with. I Think I told you I am bipolar but my meds keep it undercontol. My sister was very cruel to animals, she would toture them, I had a small aquarium when i was a teenager, she would take tongs and scrape the fish with tongs until they bled, she killed gerbiles with rat poisening, but one good think, a positive is that you do not hurt animals, you do have compassion. I am not that educated on BPD, look it up on the internet, a good website like mayo clinic or web md.
Schizophrenia is where people hear voices in their head, acuallity these voice tell them things, it's very sad, but can be controled to some degree. I am so glad you are getting some help. This can change your life once they figure out what meds work for you, sometimes this can take awhile. Please keep in contact with me and let me know how you are doing. You will see that your are not the only one suffering from some sort of mental imbalbance. As far as your laptop goes they may worry you might try to use it for inappropriate reasons. Ask your doctors to completely explain their diagnosis to you, so you can understand. That is your right. Please keep in touch if you can. I will be praying for you
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replied May 17th, 2010
Supporter
Hi Imeccentric,

I am hoping that they will allow your laptop so you can let me know how things are going. I think it is a positive thing you are now getting the help you desperately need. Everyone was treated with respect when I stayed in a mental facility as long as you also gave respect. How are the rooms, do they have a recreation area, an art room, things to do when you are not in counseling. We used to play cards in the evening before bedtime. They always had coffee and drinks available to us. It was actually fun being around others who could understand you. Hopefully soon you will beable to use your laptop so you can communicate too. I just wanted to tell you that when I was little I felt my dolls and stuffed animals had feelings. I also loved my pets. They were always their to greet me when I came home from school, and like you said they love you unconditionally. Many of your problems are due to the abuse you received growing up. This can affect all of us to a certain degree. I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you soon.
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