I'll try to keep this short, but I'm just really running out of places - and need some advice. I don't have health care right now (I will soon), and I've reached out to all the sliding-scale therapists in my area without much luck. So, any short-term advice until I can see a regular therapist would be much appreciated.
Basically, my entire world has toppled over in the past few weeks. I met someone very special this past December, and in April, I ended up giving up a very prestigious job and a move to my favorite city in the world (a long term dream of mine) in order to stay on the East Coast and give our relationship a shot. I love him very much, and he is a wonderful man, but I bring a LOT of baggage to the table - and sometimes, I can be a difficult partner.
He told me he wasn't ready to move in together, but since my apartment lease is up at end of August, we decided I should get a place near his (since I was staying over there 4X a week and I would be using his car to commute to my new job in September). I put down all of my savings for the deposit and first months rent, and a day and a half later he ended our relationship. He said it was too stressful for him (which I understand). While I understand his reasons for wanting to be out, I also think we had a lot of positive aspects, and I am very much in love with him. The end felt very sudden, especially since he had just encouraged me to take the apartment a block from him.
I gave up the apartment because my only window overlooked his front porch (nightmare). I am now trying to get my money back, on top of trying to find a new place by the end of the month. I am really hating/dreading the job I'm starting next week - which will be very stressful, and no where near as good as the one I gave up.
All of this very sudden stress also brings up a lot of painful things for me. Mainly, I'm an only child - and I lost my dad 7 years ago. I loved my father very much and was very close to him, but I've never been close to my mom - and we are estranged now. So, I basically have no family, support of safety nets. I've reached out to my friends - who are trying to be helpful, but none of them have much time/energy to give. For example, days will go by with no one doing more than sending an occasional text. it is getting harder and harder to ask for the help I need.
I am feeling increasingly despondent and wanting to give up on everything. Right now, I am alone with no family, no close friends nearby, a job I'm dreading, and the love of my life having just walked away (because I'm just too difficult of a person to love). I'm 31 - so this is not a case of me losing my "first love" - but just that the overwhelming totality of my loneliness is catching up to me. I've had very negative thoughts lately, and while I wouldn't say they were suicidal per se, they involve self-harm and wanting to get away from my entire life.
I know I need professional counseling - and I am willing to seek it just as soon as I have insurance. Hoping, in the meantime, those with similar experiences might be able to offer words of wisdom or helpful practices. Thanks.