Have you been diagnosed with this disorder already or you think you may have it?
Have you shared these dreams of becoming important with other people, close family or friends, or you rarely recount and share your dreams?

I have a psycoanalysis for more than 10 years. my psychiatrist diagnosed me a narcistic personality disorder. That's the fact.
I have been living for becoming a man of importance someday. This kind of dream is just what I have concieved in my mind and never share it with others.

It's common for narcissists not to talk about their inner life -- memories, dreams, reflections.
They tend to depression as they get older (chronic depression gets to be obvious at least by their forties).
Narcissists, usually, have very fragile self-esteem, being easily hurt and rejected.

Do you want to feel important and privileged to ward off painful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness?

I am now in my 40's. Since 2004, I have suffered from depression, and take anti-depressant everyday. I also notice that a feeling of self-esteem is very fragile as yor pointed out.Of couse I want to ward off this feeling. but I also notice there is no way to do that. I am really depressed when I think I have to live more.

I don't know if you've been diagnosed as a distinct type of Narcissistic personality disorder by your psychiatrist already, but, I think you are compensatory narcissist type (one of the three main types).
Compensatory narcissist is defined as "attitude" that is derived from an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness rather than from genuine feelings of self-confidence and high self-esteem.
Other definition is that compensatory narcissist cova ers up a sense of inadequacy and deficiency with pseudo-arrogance and pseudo-grandiosity; strives for recognition and prestige to compensate for the lack of a feeling of self-worth.

Depression is frequent comorbidity of this disorder (compensatory narcissist may react with self-contempt and depression to the lack of fulfillment of his or her grandiose expectations).

Do you practice talk therapy?
Do you take some medications?

I really want to be treated as a man of importance. and this has been my only objective which I have lived for. I am not sure that my grandiosity is pseudo one or genuine one. Certaily as you point out, I have an underlying sense of insecurity and weakness. because I was afflicted with a feeling of inferiority complex especially when I was in my adolescense. So in a sense, your point is right. but on the other hand, I have a strong desire to be treated with a man of importance not to compensate for my lack of self-esteem, but the feeling of revenge to the society.
I feel I have a aggressiveness in my mind. Anyway as I mentioned before, I am in my 40's and I cannot have any dream to be a man of importance, which really makes me down. I am taking two types of anti-depressant (SSRI and dogmatile) and minor tranqilizer.

It is easier for everyone to develop stronger self-esteem regulation, if gradually thinks about personal realistic limitations.
There are some medical opinions about SSRI's (such as Fluoxetine, known as Prozac) when used to treat co-occurring depression, that they might have adverse effects to the primary disorder, NPD.
Leading to the Serotonin syndrome, which includes agitation and exacerbates the rage attacks typical of a narcissist.
Aggression is a possible side effect of SSRI in every user, too.
You may check this link:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/ 07/980720081130.htm

Dear MandMs:
Thank you for your information. I did not know that there is a possibility that SSRI will make the aggression stronger.
However, my aggression is not from the side effect of SSRI. Because I had a strong aggression since I was a child., and the aggression has been closely related to my desire of grandiose self.

You also show the article of "science daily" to show that the most dangerous people are "those who have a strong desire to regard themselves as superior beings." This article explains my situation well. I tend to get very angry if I am not treated a man of importance. For example, when I go to a hospital, and see a doctor. In society, doctors are comparatively be treated as people of high status in our society. So I feel inferiority complex. and strong aggression to them

Have you forced yourself to think and percieve other people and your self differently?
Do you find your psychiatrists sessions helpful in reshaping your personality to some degree?
Do you take part in some group therapies?

1.When I was young, I could not accept myself as I am, and tried to perceive others and myself differently.But now I notice that I have no choice but to get along with my disorder, and accept myself. So I do not try to change my perception.
2. I started psychoanalysis since Feburuary 1997 till August 2004 with first psychiatrist. He is completely based on the classsic theory of Freud. That is why he is good at curing the neurosis, but not good at treating personality disorder.
So I cannot get good result with him. But I did self-analysis at the same time and it gave me some achievement. Since 2004, I am going to the second psychiatrist who understands me very well, because he has much knowledge about Heinz Kohut and personality disorder.So I think I can expect much.
3.I hate group therapies. So I have never been to that kind of place. My personality disorder accompanies sexual deviation. and I don't wand to say my secrets to others.

My first question was based on your statement that you feel inferiority complex and aggression to doctors.
I was wondering have you tried in one instance to think about people with high society status as doctors that some of them could be just as you, or that they are vulnerable, insecure and people with ordinary problems.

Can you help yourself with the fact that you don't need to be a high society person to have fulfill life?
I understand that you aren't willing to change your perception, cause that is one of the characteristic of this disorder.
Actually, as getting older, that gets much more difficult to be achieved.
Not sharing personal life with others is another characteristic, too.
I'm happy for you that you find your second psychiatrist as promising one.

What kind of sexual deviation you are experiencing?

My sexual deviation is very strange and peculiar to me. I tried to find the same sexual deviation in a various books, but I could not.
I am not intersted in others.(male and female both) I only am intersted in my body. When I was a small child, (4 or 5 years old), I started masturbation. but my masturbation is very strange. First,I put white socks and short pants on. and bind my legs with rope. and having imagination that I am tortured and ill-treated as an "object", teased harshly by strong men. I was so excited with this masturbation.
This ia maybe a kind of masochism. but I am only interested in my poor body, especially poor pretty my legs. So this is slso a kind of auto-erotism. I am in my 40's, but still I am doing this masturbation. I have no interst in normal sex. I have no interest in other's body.

I'm sure you know the story of Narcissus (The Self-Admirer), who was punished to fall in love with himself because of unrequited love.
Narcissists, live the life with an addiction to their own fantasy life.
They are autoerotic, psychosexually in love with themselves, with their bodies or with their brains.
Narcissist that is cerebral type of narcissist, is usually, asexual.
He masturbates regularly and very mechanically.
Male narcissists, regardless of their sexual orientation, placed more emphasis on relationships with men.
The man in your fantasies i guess represents an ideal of masculinity, hoping for your self to be initiated into the world of men and masculinity.
Or this man can be just a reflection of you, ideal you, who needs to punish the bad boy.
It's very characteristics for narcissist to be a masochist.
The narcissist often seeks pain, humiliation, punishment (his inner voices keep telling him that he is bad, corrupt, and worthy of penalty) to feel re-born.
People who prefer autoerotic sex are also fetishists with the fetish being their own bodies.

You guessed that the men in my fantasy who bully me is the ideal of masculinity.
But I don't think that way. I have no admiration to masculinity. I just want to see that my slender, fragile, pretty legs with white socks are ill-treated. The more bullied, the more I love my body. I don't have any interest in strong men, masculinity, but I love fragile body. I am not straight, I am not homosexsual. I can just love my body, especially my legs with pure white socks, my slender legs bound with tight rope.

I guess you misunderstood me.
I didn't mean that the fantasy represents your sexual interest or sexual relationships towards men.
Narcissists are simultaneously sadists and masochists, and my opinion is that the boy and the man are just two different reflection of you.
Having exactly the same fetish during every sexual act (that guarantees the sexual pleasure) is characteristic of fetishism.
As I said in my previous post, cerebral or intellectual narcissists are usually asexual, fetishists and prefer autoerotic sex.

I have had a auto-erotic and masochistic fantasy since very early stage of my life.
On the other hand, I have a strong aggression toward the people who make a fool of me or who don't treat me a man of importance. So I can agree with you that Narcissists are simultaneously sadists and masochists. but actually, I cannot feel that the boy and the men in my fantasy both represents me.According to my first psychiatrist, the men who bully me in my sexual fantasy are originally the parents who didn't fullfill my emotional needs. I have no experience to be praised. I have no experience to be accepted by my parents in my younger days. I completely gave up to expect my parents to be treated as a important individual when I was a child. Due to that fact, I have come to have strong aggression toward all the people(the parents are the representative of all the people in the very early stage of life), and I also have a too grandiose self.
Anyway thank you for correcting me. English is not my native language so I sometimes misunderstand the english sentences written by native speakers.

What you have written make sense.
Probably, your parents were too hard with you, and, as a result, you've learned from them to expect too much from yourself.
You need your grandiosity, to hide your vulnerability, and, to protect you from harm that everyday life brings for all of us.
If the feeling of being hurt, was the only emotion you have learned from your parents, I guess, it resulted the same feeling to be initiation and guide to the sexual pleasure.
Bad parenting, including both, praising the kid too much and not praising the kid at all, are related with development of narcissist person.

As I have mentioned already, I have had a strange auto-erotic and masochistic masturbation since I was a very young child.(Maybe 4,or 5years old)
I can understand that I have a grandiose self to protect my vulnerability. but I am not sure why I have come to have a habit of such auto-erotic and masochistic masturbation and fantasy. You told me in your post above that "If the feeling of being hurt, was the only emotion I have learned from my parents, it resulted the same feeling to be initiation and guide to the sexual pleasure". What do you mean by that? Would you please explain this phrase more? By the wayt, Acoording to my idea, I was not treated as an important one individual person when I was a child, So I just had to love myself instead of by my parents. This is the reason why my masturbation is fetish with my own body. and people are the existence who always bully me. That's why my masturbation fantasy shows the characteristics of auto-erotic and masochistic aspects.

When some feelings are established as fundamental ones, as we grow they stay familiar to us, they pop up too often, they appear as a big part of our emotional life.
We lean to the feelings we well know, and, even being bad they are the ones that will give a color to our emotional life and pleasures.
I don't know if this make sense to you, but, it was just my opinion why the things that are learned through the childhood, reflect in our life later.
You established your sexual pleasure through masochism and auto-eroticism, cause you learned to be punished, not being loved and learned loving just yourself.
It's possible that in your sexual humiliation or punishment, lurk your infantile need to overcome a profound sense of powerlessness.
Indeed, is interesting that your fantasies have begun as masochistic so early at age of 4 or 5.
Acctually, masturbation appears to be a common experience in the development of normal infants and children, noticed even in infants younger that one year.

You can check this link, about sexual fantasies in children,
http://www.ipce.info/booksreborn/martinson /articles/1994_children.html