Ending a Relationship Forum - My wife of 24 years is leaving me

Relationships > Ending a Relationship Forum > My wife of 24 years is leaving me

Q: My wife of 24 years is leaving me

asked by: goodpico on June 26th, 2009

New User

This is not the first time. She left our relationship 5 years ago. I worked on my controlling issue with conselling and reading a lot of self help book. We got back together 6 months later. I thought all was going fairly well in the last 4 years . Love has been rough as we are both close to 50. There has been ups and downs which I expect in any relationship. We had a chat about 3 months ago and I have been working on some nitpicking she says I do which I admit are true. I am aware I have still a lot of work to do and I am willing to work at them. She says that there is too much damage done and that she hasn't really love me since we've been back together. Yet I was getting mixed vibes: sometimes she would say she loved me and other times she was distant. I have been saying that we do not discuss our feelings whether they are good or bad. Expression between us is non-existent. I want to rekindle our love and work at it. She says she is fed up. I can take all the blame I can but I would prefer if we worked on us. It's not my decision anymore. I have started working on ME again (which I realize I should never stop). How can I win her love back? Is it possible for her to change her mind? Any help would be appreciated (even if it means she will not return).

Replies(6)

ServiceU

replied on June 28th, 2009

Supporter

i think it would be a good idea if you worked on yourself. some women thinks that a older man wont change because theyre set in there ways. but i believe that anyone can change if they want to.
i was with my mom when she left my dad of 22 years, and her second husband of 7 years. she cried to me on the phone many years wanting to make both of her marriages work.
your wife may love you, but she mightve fell out of love with you from many years of hurt and pain.
yes, i think that you may have a change. if you do change the things that she complained about. if you give her space so she can clear her head. if your able to start over, to the dating stages. you know this women more than any man.
what i mean is if she separates from you, and she is willing to keep communication with you. dont allow the separations to be bitter, it doesnt have to be.

rightside

replied on June 28th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

This is not open and shut. In every marriage there is some bickering and nit-picking, but usually it's not enough to end the marriage. Nobody is perfect. It depends on what she feels you have done to make her love for you change. For now, from what you say, she has had enough, so there is no point in trying to force her to stay. Let her go, and then work on YOUR life. How bad were you in the marriage? You need to get a handle on your control issues. Take it one day at a time. When she is on her own, she will have time to think about things too. Leave her alone. Let her come to you when she is ready. If she doesn't, then you'll have to move on and learn from your mistakes for the next relationship. One thing I discovered in life...the only thing final, is death. Just because a relationship falls apart, doesn't mean that's the end of things every time. Whatever will be, will be, and if she is meant to come back, she will. But you can learn to be a better person whether she does or not.

goodpico

replied on June 29th, 2009

New User

Thanks for the input raven53 and serviceu.
We had a long chat on the weekend (we are still in the same house) and she is leaving in August. We discuss our issues in depth. She says she hasn't loved me for many years but then I told her I then must be having mixed messages because on all the cards she wrote to me
(yes i kept them as momentoes) It says: Love now and forever...and such and that was no later than last Valentine day. I asked her if they were true and she never replied!

Anyhow, I really think, from our conversation, that she is never coming back. I have to accept that fact and move on. She told our 3 kids and they were fairly upset (32, 18 and 17 year old). Only our yougest still lives with us. She asked if she could live with me and of course I said yes. She was heart broken and I had a good cry; alone.

rightside

replied on June 29th, 2009

Active User, very eHealthy

Glad to see that you are talking. Now you both need to start living your own lives, and see what the future holds. I have seen couples be apart for years and get back together after they have tried to go it alone. No point in worrying about what will be. Just be receptive to whatever comes, and make the best of it and chalk it up to a learning experience for now. Good luck!

goodpico

replied on June 30th, 2009

New User

Thanks Raven53.
We are still in the same house (for now). She says it's too hard to see me this way and she wants to move out fast. That would put a real burden on the finances. I suggested that I would not make her feel unconfortable. I suggested to try to live together for the next 3 months while we try and fix our relationship each on our own for now. I also made sure to ask her to set boundaries and let me know if I do anything to make her feel unconfortable

I have started reading a lot (3 weeks ago) and I am seing a professional in a few days (been there before for the same relationship and a lot of the same issues).

Part of our real problem is we don't communicate well.
She tries to speak to me, usually she is upset and I feel backed up against a wall so I "tune out" basically and I never bring the subject out again.
(I know my mistake and I keep repeating it and that what's frustrate the heck out of her). I don't know why I never bring the subject back up as I really want to stop what the heck I am doing wrong all the time.

ant123

replied on July 12th, 2009

New User

I agree with raven's points
It is time for you to dial up your indepedence.
You may want to check the cell phone records to see if there is some distraction from restoring your relationship.You'll see the same number alot if there is. This can cause sudden loss of feelings for you.
I want to encourage you to be the man you want to be regardless of her decisions.

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