It's interesting to hear that I am not the only one having this problem of a spouse not wanting sex, but it appears that most are able to talk about it. I have not been successful with either.
I have been married for 14 years. I have 2 boys. My wife lost her sex drive 8 years ago. When I say lost, I mean she openly tells me that she hates sex and would love it if she never had sex again the rest of her life. She is 47, I am 45. It has been 6 months since I had sex with her and I could count the number of encounters with her in the last 8 years on 2 hands.
Counseling did not work. We can't communicate - she won't express herself. If a conversation is to be had, it's initiated by me and nearly always ends up in a heated battle fueled by insults and degrading comments. She does not listen to me. I repeat myself often and she nearly always denies I said something or gets the facts of the conversation wrong. It is so frustrating. I am living with what feels like a sister - a sister that I don't get along with. We share the same house and we both love our boys, but that is where the teamwork and agreements stop. We don't talk, we don't hang out in the same part of the house together. She sleeps in the boys rooms', she refuses to be naked in my company. We never kiss, rarely make eye contact, get plenty of dirty looks and childish digs. There was a point where I really wanted to work it out and make things better, but she is adimant about not changing, inspite of the knowledge of the sex and communication issues. She has managed to suck the life out of our marriage. I no longer care what happens. I now do not have any desire to have sex, or be affectionate. Being in the same room with her annoys and agitates me. I want to get away, but I know she'll try to take my kids away, so I stay and endure the misery in order to spend time with my boys. It gets harder to live like this with every passing day. Any suggestions?
it's two sides to a story and being a women i want to know where to you participate in her feeling this way?
if you left her how could she keep you from seeing your kids if you file for partial custody or go to court.
i wouldnt tell a marriage couple to divorce, but i really cant see anyone living that way.
did you cheat on her? how can you cope with not having sex with your wife?
she cant expect you to stay and be misery in this relationship.
As terrible as this sounds, perhaps it's time to sit her down and talk about the idea of divorce.
I don't mean threaten her. I mean try to have a serious conversation about where this relationship is going and what it's based on now - not fourteen years ago.
The fact that your children are the only part of your lives that keep you together is really sad to hear. The truth is, your children would find greater benefit in the two of you being happy and separate than together and miserable.
In the event of divorce, a great lawyer would be a good idea. I dunno where you're from, but many states have lawyers that cater to the needs of fathers in your predicament.
I don't think I need to be point this out, but - sex is not your issue, here. Not only have you grown apart physically, but there is no longer an emotional connection between the two of you.
Counseling has failed, and your wife refuses to communicate with you - maybe she will finally listen if you acknowledge how terrible you've been feeling lately and how serious you are about either fixing this, or ending it.
Remind her that you don't want to argue, and you don't want to throw insults around - you want to talk. If she gets heated, walk away and tell her that you'll continue the conversation when she's cooled down. Try to keep your temper, as well.
A happy marriage - a happy relationship of any kind - requires two people to be working hard. If one of you, or both of you, isn't committed it simply isn't going to work. Forcing it won't help.
Don't pass blame. Acknowledge her reasons for what has been going on between the two of you lately, and don't fight her on it - and hopefully she'll do the same for you. Really, this is a tough position to be in. Another attempt at counseling may help, and I would give it a try before any other options.
I hope that you guys can work things out, or can at least find some peace in your lives - together or not.
I am reading your statements and all the replies and one thought hangs in my mind. Does she hate sex with you only. Does she go out in the evening alone a few times during the week, or come home late from work, if she works outside the home. Have you ever considered that maybe she is throwing up a smoke screen by saying she hates sex and would be happy if she never had to have sex again, but is out getting her jollies with someone else, could be male or female. She may figure that you won't suspect if she makes you think she hates sex. Might want to look into that. One giveaway is if she is spending a great deal of time with a female friend. For your sake, I hope she isn't, but stranger things have happened.
Many women hate sex...They have always hated it...This is a part of marriage that they have tolerated for only one reason...To have children...Once this time has passed, the semi-sexual woman becomes sexless...She returns to all that she has originally felt...She probably had a low libido to start and now she will stand her ground....Maybe every once in a while if she is feeling generous or extra horny, he will get a mercy "duty calls" sock it to me baby get together....But, she still hates it...
This is one of the surprises in for man, but not for woman....She knew it from the start...
not so much . . . my wife aand I had a hot sex filled courtship and she was single for many years with a healthy sex drive. now, after 3 years of marriage she lost her sex drive - she says its not me - and refuses to counsel about it. This is not a secret woman thing abouit hating sex forever. maybe she should not have gotten married if she wanted serial sexual partners. but now iam shitoutoflck or sexing up a lifeless albeit warm corpse.
Wow, sounds like it would suck to know you... sex when you feel "generous and extra horny" gee - how fun!!! Hope you got your kid and not several miscarriages and a dead infant like me (a man, yes, a man who actually loves his wife and pays her the respect she deserves as an equal human being in our relationship). Perhaps duty won't call you again and you can fade into oblivion and nobody will care at all... I hope whoever you are with hates you too...
Yo MisterD, you are a big reason people don't speak honestly. Caroline is absolutely right and said nothing rude. Guys need sex and some women don't need or like it. But when two people have kids and other responsibilities that keep them together, I would hope such a woman would offer "duty" sex as often as she could.
Yes, this sucks for both the man and the woman, but it is better than no sex at all for the man, and is the least the woman can do if she also wants to impose the common "no sex with anyone else" rule.
Judd_Studd and CarolineEF your answers sound very interesting, as if its possible.
i m just curious of the reason why she feels this way, we can all assume. but it sounds like they have bad feelings towards each other.
my point is if he was mr.charming would it be different?
i always had a high sex drive until i started taking medication, but my b/f can "get me there"
i think it's her feelings towards her husband. i think if she was deeply....head over heels she would at least try to please him.
the fact remains is what should this man do in his situation currently.
Wow! I have a similar situation where my husband had no sexual desires because of years and years of pain meds. I posted once before about this and I don't want to get into details about him but he won't even touch me. He tells me he loves me, we have fun together, good communication, but just the thought of sex is like bothersome to him. I can give this man a naked lap dance and he has no desire. We haven't had sex in over a year, before his last surgery. Is my sex life over at 44??
Sounds like he likes your company to an extent. I have the same situation. I was a product of filling the family picture frame in a second marriage. I am told to sleep on the other side of the bed and not to touch her. Sounds crazy for a man but my sex life is over at 36. I will tell my sons to test drive the heck out of what they think they want to get hitched to. I stupidly thought I was doing the right thing. My heart honestly aches and feels like it's bleeding from the lack yet desire for intimacy. Honestly, I can wait to die because it's way to painful living like this.
wht to say! its easily said then experienced! My wife is immune to sex! Nothing ever works 4 these beings.(may it be a male or female). Once u get entangled in marriage, its just impossible to get out of it unless u r insensitive towards ur kids. just the thought of loosing ur kids in divorce would promt u to carry on with this relationship. may be its the slow poison tht will surely reduce our life span! till then lets bear it........
i hate diagnosing anything, but I've lived this way for 20 years. as soon as my kids are old enough. I'm out! You might try studying BorderLine Personality Disorder, my wife has been clinically diagnosed with it and it sounds very similar in some ways.
Your wife is not going to change. You can only change yourself or leave.
My son is 14 and my daughter 11. I've made the decision to stay until they are old enough. I have elected not to cheat or have an affair as that would rob me of the last thing I have and that is my dignity.
A shrink once told me, my marriage was a case of someone who didn't want to be loved, getting together with someone who can't. Then I decided to change the rules. Maybe your situation is similar. If so, is it fair to blame them when we changed?
This is not a marriage. This is not a family. I am sorry to say that it sounds like neither of you are in love any longer. This kind of relationship will suck the life out of all of you. You didn't say if there were any problems that led to your relationship being like this. It sounds like you are both really mad and resentful of each other. If sex is the only issue, and you can't get her to see your side of it....if the marriage has become that unbearable, then it's time to check out. What about a trial separation? Maybe you need some time apart? There is no reason you should not be allowed to partake in your boys' lives if it comes to a divorce. This marriage sounds like a dead end to me. You are both extremely unhappy. That makes your kids feel the same way. They know SOMETHING is going on if Mom is sleeping in their room. Unless there are things you have left out, you might want to talk to an attorney to see what your options are. You can't bang your head against a brick wall, sooner or later it will crack wide open.
it's commendable that you will stay faithful and be that father that is there for his kids. i dont understand what is stopping you from leaving and getting partial custody. i dont know your situation, and if everyone is content and happy in your household then that's good.
but what i m confused about is when i was in a horrible relationship for five years. i was unhappy, getting up in the morning, taking care of my child, everything was harder b/c of my misery.
comparing that to
how i m in a peaceful loving relationship and it's full on passion. i am happy and everything seems easier because i m not dealing with hurt or always arguing.
first i am sooo sorry. second i have a problem with getting into the mood but my reason is all the medication i am on. for severe back pain from 4 surgeries. my husband knows the pain i am in every day but has a hard time understanding the side affects one being loss of labido. but, i do talk to him about it and stress deeply that its not loss of love for him. i do deeply but the drive which was deep before the surgeries is now nill and i hate it for him and me. but i do try and do make love its the starting thats hard. for one she needs to sleep in the same room with you. she needs to show compasion at least. but you should know the longer you stay the lomger you wait finding the women who would adore you. shes there you just need to take the step to leave and find her. not wantinf sex is one thing hurting and hating you is entirely another. shes using no sex as her excuse i think shes waiting for you to leave and do all the work and save her the trouble. you know. i hope you can find love and if your kids are old enough they can choose to live with you not her . hire a investigator to follow her get good proof on your behalf you will get the kids. good luck
I am in a similar situation to Milehimale. My wife and I do get along for the most part but no sex and she hates sex (at least with me). I don't think she is cheating but in recent months has been talking with old boyfriends on a social networking website. I also discovered she has several "profiles" on several social networking sites. She states her marital status as married though. But her profile names are "suggestive" of being single (--swthrt----69, etc.). I actually searched cell phone records and did find a 5 min. conversation with an old boyfriend. There was also one night when I was out of town on business and I could not reach her by phone. I noticed several strange emails that had been deleted when I got back to the old ex. She does not hold the kids over my head but she is extremely lazy---lays in bed watching tv all day and pops pills (xanax, ambien, lortab, etc.) all day. In 12 years of marriage, she has NEVER liked sex. Like the OP, I always initiated until I recently decided to just stop trying. We sleep in separate bedrooms (her choice). She claims because I snore too loud. But my daughter sleeps with her some and snores as well. I have tried the romancing thing. I offer backrubs and massages (and many times with no expectations in mind---just want some bonding time) often. The few times I have "gotten a little frisky" when giving her a massage, I get my hand slapped, a loud sigh, and told that she knows that was all I wanted anyway. So I stopped doing that. I am growing more and more self-conscious about even hugging her as I don't want her to misconstrue or have a reason to misconstrue my actions. I don't ask for simple favors anymore (like asking her to fix me a glass of tea when I get home from work). She only wants to sleep most of the time or "chat" on social networking sites with "friends." When she does anticipate I want sex, she suddenly has a yeast infection or a headache or a stomach ache or "fill in the blank". She had a radical hysterectomy two years ago where they removed both ovaries and uterus. But she actually seemed to get more libido after the surgery. But it has since gone. I thought it could be her feeling her age (turning 40 this year---but she looks 25---and physically has the best body of any 40 year old out there). So I offered to pay for her to have some "work" done by a plastic surgeon. When she asked him for a "tuck" he said "what is there to tuck?" So she opted for breast implants. That only made things worse. That was like pouring gasoline on a fire in respect to my libido. I have since started to take higher doses (under a doctor's control) of Zoloft to decrease my libido. I love her so much and am crazy about her. But I think she has fallen out of love with me and is somewhat repulsed by me. I know she loves me and thinks I am a great dad, but rarely ever shows me any appreciation or respect. I am getting depressed over it. So much so that I only exist for my kids now. She is my soulmate so I can't divorce her and have not really even considered that. I would rather die than lose her.
My wife had sex with my son and several other affairs with other men. I feel for you and hope you get her to love one-day. Have you ever tried to set a special day of the week for date night for the two of you? Have you sent flower home just to do something out of the ordinary to show her you care? Have tried to spend time with her sitting at a lake beach and just hug her all day and bring her pleasurable treats with a note I love you attach to them? Maybe you might try to nibble kiss her on her body and never touch her sexual places so she can never think you are interested in sex. Also try loving her in silence without ever saying a word to her just be with her. Love her as you want her to love you, sex will come if you act like you don't want it. Keep up the spiritual love, go to her and one day she will see you in a different way and it won't be as a sexual person, but a person who can only see her as the man who will always be there for her, in all the ways she promotes. I hope you luck and much happiness in your future with your wife and may God bless for being strong. Please never divorce her, or give up on her and if you don't, she will become the best woman on earth.
I would tend to believe that you have problems...The biggest red flag would be separate bedrooms...Here she is telling you that she wants her space...I have a question...Your wife looks great...Hot and looks 25...In many of our minds, we have only just begun...
Now how about you...Have you gained a lot of weight?...If you are pretty much the same I would have a talk with her...Find out what she wants sexually...Tell her you need more than what you are getting...It is very possible that what you are now seeing is just the tip of the iceberg....
Usually when someone spends their days in bed popping pills they are suffering from severe depression. It sounds to me like your wife is depressed and reaching out to old boyfriends for support. After a hysterectomy some women may go through periods of depression or feeling like they are no longer as sexy as they once were. Going online and finding old boyfriends and other men to reassure her that she is still as beautiful and sexy is most likely what she is doing. You telling her she is sexy and you wanting her is not the same as a stranger telling her. Many men go through this as well during a mid-life crisis, women go through it too sometimes. It's best for you to keep communication open and see if she is willing to go for some counseling with you. I wish you luck!
Big Texas Dad-maybe you need to have a sleep study done--if you are snoring then you very well may need medical attention..If you have sleep apnea then your brain is losing oxygen when your breathing stops and makes you snore..It is sad she sleeps in a separate room-she has made this into an arrangement where she is cared for..You definetly have some thinking to do..
Please get the sleep study or at least bring it up with your PCP.kd
wow! you guys are changing my way of thinking. all guys arent dogs, and all guys dont want just sex. i've never seen such devotion. the guys i know would leave without even thinking about it, or atlease cheat.
i think it these stories has a lot to do with the women's state of mine.
my ex snored a lot and i would wake up freezing and in a lot of pain. because he would pull all the covers off of me, and he used to lye in the middle of the be leaving me a small corner.
my mom told me to sleep with a separate blanket, but sleep with him.
maybe i m just young and nyeve to some of the ways of the world. i dont know what else to say, but it just doesnt seem fair.
Wow! Thanks for all the replies and advice! To answer a few of the questions: I had gained about 50 lbs. over 12 years (mainly because of her awesome cooking!---but I accept full responsibility for that one!). But have since dropped 30 of the 50 as I also sensed this could be an issue. I am a big guy and always have been but most don't consider me obese even though I am 6'4" and 290lbs (down from 320 at the first of May). I have more of an football offensive lineman build. But I admit that I always feel like I "married up" or "overchicked" as we say in Texas. I hear from my friends all the time that I don't deserve such a beautiful wife. What is funny, is as a guy, we all look at other women. But I can honestly say, I never see one that I think looks as good as mine. As her mom says, "he looks at you like a big piece of chocolate!" And we have so many positive things about our marriage. We have awesome kids that are well-behaved and well-mannered, we do things as a family all the time, and I am never hesistant to spend money on "their dreams." But I feel so unappreciated. I am working on a weekend home (building it myself) for us to escape to some land we own so they can go out and ride their horses. Yet, she never says thank you.....never says "it looks great!", or makes any acknowledgement other than, "just hurry up and get it done." Actually, I guess she says that during a lot of other situations as well (if you catch my drift!). I am just numb over the whole thing. I love her so much.....but I want her to be happy. I feel like I am the one causing her depression. Part of me wants to let her go just so I don't feel like I am ruining her life.
Honey, get that 6' 4" down to 230 pounds...Give her a taste of a hot Texas stud...Don't suck after her now...Play it cool...Pretend that she is not even bothering you...Be nice and yourself, but carefree...She is hot and will be hot...Men like you are not easy to find....I think you are a winner....Good luck....