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My Perfect match/Fiance' left me after 8 years together..

My (recent) ex had started attending a outside church group which I thought was all well and good for her as she and I are pretty religious but I felt this sort of house church just wasn't my thing.. It reminded me of going to my old lutheran school and just taking religion class over again.. She never cared if I came or not but the offer was always on the table I suppose. 5 days prior to telling me she couldn't do this anymore when she was at one of these house church get-togethers, she was begging me to never leave her and she was always swearing up until the last day that I was the one that No matter what she couldnt live without me. But then boom I get a call and its over and she just disconnects her phone number even though I wasn't planning on calling her anyway at first but I did email her and she just kept saying that she tried so hard to make all the puzzle pieces fit but she just couldnt and that she loved me so much and wanted me to have her kids but she said shes taking control of her life (making me feel like I was overly protective which I admittedly am at times but not in excess... it was so random and shocking/unexpected that I still dont know what to do or how to handle it. We got engaged 2 years prior to this and she was estatic and couldnt wait to be married to me. In fact 3 days prior to her leaving me she was talking to her entire family about wedding plans and songs and colors and all that good stuff... I felt safe for once because when we got engaged I asked her 100 different times if she slept or did any sexual act with this one guy when we werent together... i just wanted to know the truth before I asked her to marry me because her purity was something i really admired and I trusted her a ton for never doing anything with another other than kissing and some Other terrible stuff that i was able to get over but nothing below waist on her. She Lied to my face over and over saying nothing happened about 100 different times brought up in different situations and moods but always the same answer.. she was always swearing on anything she could that nothing ever happened but we got into a little argument one day and she came out with it AFTER we had been engaged for 6 months and she was so remorseful and said she couldnt tell me because she knew that I would have left.. And yea, she was right, I would have left. we have been together since we were 15 and were both 23 now.. We had a 1 year break up during junior year at high school but that was it.. The thing is I feel like I am the one to blame.. on the phone she told me I lost my soul mate and that this isn't what God wanted.. i kept my cool but had no clue what to say other than "I know your confused but you know if you have a problem we can always sit down and talk about it and fix things" but she refused to listen saying that she just couldnt do this anymore which boggles my mind completely since everything seemed good at the time. I tried so hard to say my last plea to her via email since after her phone call she just flat out changed her number because I assume she either thought I would blow up her phone or she wouldnt be able to let go if I called her. Its so messed up Everything was perfect and then boom I cant breathe sleep eat or anything.. all I do is feel remorse. Like for some reason I didnt hold up on my end of the bargain or something. I gave her multiple forgiving chances and all but just up and leaving me like this was something I never expected... She told me she was taking control of her life but believe me when I say that I wasnt controlling and I said she can do whatever makes her happy but she always responded with "well that would be marrying you and having kids".. I feel like such s**t, Like i failed, Like i lost my soul mate and that its my fault... Worst of all I feel like I will never find anyone who I loved as much as my Kirstie in all the different ways that I did. She was truely one of a kind, She had it all, The most beautiful looks, body, personality, sex was great probably will never have anything better... I just feel hopeless like I really did lose it all and I JUST cant bare to see her with another man or someone I might know. I am so broken. I dont know what to do anymore everything is a challenge and feels like I'm going through hell. I miss her all day everyday and I know she is upset too but probably not to the extent that I am. I feel like I'm not good enough to catch another girl as perfect as she was in every way. It sucks so much. Below is what I look like.. She told me she was still highly attracted to me but never went into detail as to why this happened. She also promises me and swears she never cheated on me or had anyone else on the side and I honestly believe that but I just don't get where I went wrong.. I dont understand why she wouldn't just want to sit down and talk about it and figure it out with me if I meant so much to her like she said... remember she was litterally laying in my lap on the way home from her cousins wedding saying how much she prays I'll never leave her 5 days prior to her leaving me and disconnecting her phone... I lost the love of my life and No one has made me feel better not even close friends who I've talked to many times... They try and some have been in long relationships too but This was a unique one or so it feels just because she had every tiny attribute I wanted in a woman from her gorgeous looks to her personality and much more. Lost my significant other
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replied October 10th, 2011
I really have no drive to go out and meet someone new. I liked where I was with her and I am a really introverted/shy person. It takes awhile for people to see the real me. I have no clue what to do. I hate going out to bars and what not because I'm not really a drinker. I guess I could be considered a homebody because much of the work I have to get done I can do right at home and I like my house but one can surely not meet women this way and even if I did meet someone I feel like they would find me boring.
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replied October 10th, 2011
My heart goes out to you.
Love is complicated. Maybe she perhaps did it under stress? I'm not sure.. I'm sure she still loves you.. I mean after 8 years, she'd almost have too, one would assume! Talk to her. You need answers. After 8 years, it's your right to know where this went wrong. She owes you that explanation.
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Users who thank avatarbrb for this post: nradams4 

replied October 11th, 2011
closure
So I finally got an explination of why she might have left. She said I "wasn't excelling with her and that wasn't ok". I dont get that because I made more money than she did yearly but not by a lot. She said that we would have been miserable married and that i was controlling. I disagree with both of those and even if that's what she really thought then she knew that she could have just sat down with me and talked about her issues and I would have done whatever to fix them. She's pretty mixed up I think but I'm not getting back with her. I just don't feel like I'll meet any other nice sexy girl and feel the same way about another like i did her. I mean I'm 23 and I feel like all the good ones are taken..
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replied October 12th, 2011
I know you loved her, but a few things here..

1) She doesn't communicate. Not really a good thing, if after 8 years, she still can't communicate with you.

2) It took her 8 years to figure all this stuff about about the relationship? Seems a little slow to me!

3) Do you really want another woman like that? She took 8 years from you. The failed end of the relationship is her fault, due to the lack of communication she had with you for 8 years.

To sum this up: There's many women out there for you. You're still young. Don't go looking for another woman that reminds you of your ex. It would just cause issues. Take it slow. Date different women. The one for you will be obvious. I knew I was going to marry my husband on our first date. lol!! You can do it!! Smile
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replied October 13th, 2011
Cymbalta? Should I take it?
I went to a doctor today because I cant seem to get myself out of the house and feel this terrible paralyzing heart ache over losing this girl. It's terrible. I'm never happy anymore at any time. The doctor felt my pain and could tell I was struggling to understand what happened and I told him everything (including this great group of supporters on this website who are helping me). He suggested that I go on this medicine called Cymbalta (a SNRI)... he told me that it really helps with depression and these types of situations but sometimes takes a week or so before it works. I'm normally opposed to taking meds if I can help it but does anyone think that I should or does anyone have prior experience with this type of medicine who can tell me what it's like and if it really helped you or not?

I thank all of you for your posts thus far. I am really afraid of how I'm going to react if/once she finds a new man to be in her life. She has only really been with me and I liked that about her a lot. I feel like I'm going to die once shes with another. I don't know her real reasoning behind leaving me but if it's what she said in my above post then I guess i really am the one to blame I just wish she would have came to me to talk about it but the fact that she didn't and just ended this 8 years like she did hurts me even more. I miss her dearly and am wondering if I'll ever see the light again. My life is utter chaos at the present time.

I hurt so much just thinking about her and I how perfect I always thought she was for me. If I knew that love could hurt this bad then I don't think I would have ever loved at all... that scares me, I believe that I might not ever love again. Not in the same way at least. I don't know what to do with myself I feel like a toddler or something trying to get nursed back to health. Thanks in advance for any replies. I find comfort and logic in most if not all of them that I have recieved so far.
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replied October 20th, 2011
salvation through service
Dude, i accidentally came across this website researching Hosea in the Bible on the internet. But, I feel your pain and I have been where you are now. I dated a girl all through college. I was madly (emphasis on madly) in love. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was going to marry her. She went off to law school and left me behind. I had never taken her to a bar or pressured into any negative situations. Her new law school friends put a barrier between us. A separation of sorts happened and I lost it. So much so that I literally drove off a cliff and interestingly enough the girl I was madly in love with was a girl named Kristie too. After our horrible break up I met a very Godly man who introduced me to his daughter. She was an extreme hotty; but, she was not a good girl. She had "party girl" as her front licence plate decoration. I think God may have even put this Godly man and his not so Godly daughter in my life to get over the previous relationship. After the hotty I took like three years away from dating almost entirely. I focused on God, focused on work, focused on exercise, focused on cars, focused on hanging out with male friends. I coached sports; I worked with a youth ministry; I fixed up a sports car; I went to church almost every free night somewhere in town. I went on mission trips. And then, about three to four years later while I was working for God, now, a children's minister, God put a women in my life introduced through the preacher's wife that loved God first and was great with children. We have now been married over 5 years. I say this to tell time is the healer of all wounds. The scars of that relationship will always be with me. I still think about her all the time. But as time continues to roll on and my life is filled with other things and people I find myself thinking of her less and less. Be patient and finds things to occupy your mind, your time, and your energy. Keep your hands and your body busy. You need to find ways to help others. Your own salvation from your depression and the trauma/scars that this relationship has caused can be overcome (maybe not forgotten, but overcome.) You may need the drug for now; however, if your depression is not too bad, just get active. You do need to get out of your house. Find some good Godly friends. Don't unload your problems to them at first, just be there for them and help them with theirs. You need an escape until you can move on. Your escape and your solution may be as easy as helping others. There are a lot of organizations that need volunteers: humane societies, nursing homes, children and youth ministries, foreign language classes. Find ways to help others through their problems and then maybe you will not be as focused on your own. That is what worked for me and it will probably work for you. Good luck and God Bless!
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replied October 20th, 2011
salvation through service
Dude, i accidentally came across this website researching Hosea in the Bible on the internet. But, I feel your pain and I have been where you are now. I dated a girl all through college. I was madly (emphasis on madly) in love. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was going to marry her. She went off to law school and left me behind. I had never taken her to a bar or pressured into any negative situations. Her new law school friends put a barrier between us. A separation of sorts happened and I lost it. So much so that I literally drove off a cliff and interestingly enough the girl I was madly in love with was a girl named Kristie too. After our horrible break up I met a very Godly man who introduced me to his daughter. She was an extreme hotty; but, she was not a good girl. She had "party girl" as her front licence plate decoration. I think God may have even put this Godly man and his not so Godly daughter in my life to get over the previous relationship. After the hotty I took like three years away from dating almost entirely. I focused on God, focused on work, focused on exercise, focused on cars, focused on hanging out with male friends. I coached sports; I worked with a youth ministry; I fixed up a sports car; I went to church almost every free night somewhere in town. I went on mission trips. And then, about three to four years later while I was working for God, now, a children's minister, God put a women in my life introduced through the preacher's wife that loved God first and was great with children. We have now been married over 5 years. I say this to tell time is the healer of all wounds. The scars of that relationship will always be with me. I still think about her all the time. But as time continues to roll on and my life is filled with other things and people I find myself thinking of her less and less. Be patient and finds things to occupy your mind, your time, and your energy. Keep your hands and your body busy. You need to find ways to help others. Your own salvation from your depression and the trauma/scars that this relationship has caused can be overcome (maybe not forgotten, but overcome.) You may need the drug for now; however, if your depression is not too bad, just get active. You do need to get out of your house. Find some good Godly friends. Don't unload your problems to them at first, just be there for them and help them with theirs. You need an escape until you can move on. Your escape and your solution may be as easy as helping others. There are a lot of organizations that need volunteers: humane societies, nursing homes, children and youth ministries, foreign language classes. Find ways to help others through their problems and then maybe you will not be as focused on your own. That is what worked for me and it will probably work for you. Good luck and God Bless!
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