My husband and I have been together 10 years, Married for 3 (together since we were 16)
My Parents and My husband have never seen eye to eye. He was ever good enough, Not respectful enough, Not wanting to be a part of the family.
It has been a rocky 10 years. There have been many instances where things have gone pear shaped.
I recently found out I was expecting our first child :O) At this stage my Husbands relationship with my parents was non existant. Things came to a head a couple of months earlier when a heated conversation escalated to a Drama of epic proportions.
I had tried to calm the situation as much as possible but my parents would hear nothing of it.
When I went to tell my Parents the news of the baby on Fathers Day I had told them that if they gave my husband some time the conflicts that were keeping the family distanced should be resolved and to be a part of my life and help me prepare for this baby.
Anyway my parents text my husband congratualting him on the news. I told them that if they tried to make contact with him not to expect a response but the gesture would be appreciated. As i knew would happen my husband did not reply. (Things were very bad at this point as they had not spoken for 3 months. A lot of NASTY things had been said by my parents and my husband had enough of there dramatics and wanted space away form them)
When they did not get a reply the following morning around 6am I got a phone call from my mum. This was apparently accidental. I text her to see if she was ok as it was odd to get a call that time in the morning. I got back a number of disturbing messages about how they could not cope, Could not go on etc. (Basically they had been struggling for some time to even have a relationship with me if my husband was not involved in there life)
I ended up calling a crisis coucellor as things were escalting quickly and I was concerned for my parents pysical and mental health. I got some good advise and called my parents to see if my mum was ok. I was then screamed at from my dad saying that the person who is making them upset and ruining there life was my husband and he should be held accountable for what is happening to them. I got off the phone feeling like a naughty child and was distraught. I called my husband and asked him to come home. Before he came home he sent a message to my parents in anger saying everything that had built up over the last 3 months. (a lot of terrible things we said including my husband apparently wantng to sleep with my mum,Telling family overseas terrible things about us and admitting to them about trying to break us up)So my husband told them that the reason he would not reply back the night before as he was very angry about the before mentioned issues plus MANY MANY MORE I could not cope anymore and wanted to ask for some psycological help. My husbnd rushed home and we spent the day waiting in the docs office and getting some sound advise from my gp and got a referral to a pycologist.
The following morning I got myself ready for work and got another early morning call. My parents had said they would always love me and be there for me but my husband was a trash talking piece of s**t and they wanted nothing more to do with him. At this stage i was relieved as they were going to be there for me but leave my husband out of it. I went to work with a load of my chest. Upon arrival in the city my mum rang me and started abusing me. Saying i ruined her life I was a monster and every other name under the sun. Apparently my grandparents had called her and said enough with all the calls about our problems and to leave them out of it they are 80yo and did not need the stress. My mum took this the wrong way thinking the did not want anything to do with her at all and that she was not allowed call anymore. She felt this was my fault as I was the last to speak to them and I must have said something to provoke this (This was not the case. My grandparents had enough of the drama and only wanted to be kept out of it)
I got to work and was in hysterics. The girls at work called my friend to get me and send me home.
the following day again i go to work. I see my boss. tell him what is going on an he sends me home AGAIN as I have was no good for them there and needed to sort out my problems. I called my friend on the way home and she said enough is enough and we met my parents in a public place to work out where we all stand. I got verbally attcked. My husbnd blamed for everything. My mum had taken a turn for the worst having cut her wrists and overdosed on some medication(cry for attention). we eventualy calmed down and worked out a plan for the future. At this point we went home happier again. That saturday my parents turned up at my house with flowers and cake and wanted to finally celebrate the baby news. It was then my husband opened the door, closed it in ther face and called me. I went out and got angry at the unexpected surprise and told them it was unacceptable to turn up with out a call first. My husband had made it clear he did not want them in his life at this stage and they still came over. I asked if they could respect his boundaries and call if they wanted to see me and i would make the arrangements. They went off at me and said that was not acceptable. They had every right to be there and were not going to be controlled by my husband. In the end they tried to leave and there car stalled so I had to jump start them but in the mean time they told me they would not tolerate this treatment from my husband and wanted nothing more to do with me if things were going to be like this.
I ignored them for a few days and then i got emails and texts from my mums saying please love me back. I replied back that I never stopped loving them and left it at that.
from then we were in constant conflict with emails texts etc. I had seen the psycologist and encouraged my parents to see her also. They did this and then last Friday we met up for a group session (Husband not there) I told my parents I want them in my life and that they would be a part of my childs life no matter what but the issue of my husband had to be dropped and we make our own future. They did not agree and started saying my husband was the one that needed help not us as we had not problems That mu husband was controlling them and me and that it was not acceptable.
I walked out and told them to talk to the psycologist. after they walked out I went back in and spoke to her alone and she advised this would take a lot of work. No one was willing to compromise. my husband wanted his space and I wanted my parents to respect this and be there for me. i left and met my parents in the car park and it started again. They twisted conversations and threw accusations. I just walked to my car. My dads parting words...Run back to your husband then.
That night I thought I got an olive branch. My mum text saying she was going to try put this behind her and be a part of my life. i said thank you and said we should have a truce and just be a family againg (Meaning myself an my parents) She sent back happy messages and I was elated. things were looking up when I realised that they had mis interpreted my message and thought my husband was also planning to put things behind him. This is not the case so i called my mum and explained what i meant and she started crying all over again feeling stupid for the misunderstanding.
Then i get a call later in the day my mum and i talked normally until my dad came on the phone and things got heated again. He had his say and hung up. We were getting ready to meet friends and i just tried to stay strong got a hug and got on with it. Then my mum called back in hysterics saying why did i not stand up for them and why am i doing this. i was not going to listen and have ignored there calls for the rest of the night. When i returned home i sent them an email asking for a reprieve. A time out to take care of ourselves and decide where to go from here. Only time will tell what will happen from here on out.
A few points to mention:
My parent are both suffering severe depression and anxiety. They have for many years.
My mum has had major issues letting me go. (I am an only child)
The things that have been said in the past are unforgivable
As they are my parents All i want is for them to be happy. I want them to respect my decisions in life. To be glad that I am happy and be a part of my and my childs life and to put the issues with my husband behind them.
My parents want my husband to come back to the family so they can have a normal family relationship
My husband has bowed down enough in the past and has had enough and want nothing more to do with them for the time being. He wants my parents and I to have a healthy relationship and for them to be supportive of my decisions.
PLEASE HELP ME!!! I am getting more emotional by the day. I need advise, Support and Instruction.
Please respond and feel free to ask questions.
Sorry for the novel. It is hard to put this much baggage in as little words as possible
Hello: You are not alone. I was married for 7 years. I had a son prior to marriage. My parents were a great support when I was a single mother. When I married, my parents were always in the middle of our relationship. My ex-husband is partly my ex-husband because of my parents. No man will continue in a relationship and not feel that he is the man of his home or the man in the marriage. I understand feeling like you are in the middle because you are. I was in the middle of my parents and my husband; afraid that if I didn't do or respond to my parents the way they wanted they would be mad. I also felt that if I didn't respond or do what my husband wanted he would be mad. It is a horrible place to be in. I wish now, being divorced and single, that I would have taken more control of my marriage where my parents were concerned. I am lonely because of it. I am angry and resentful towards my parents now because of my failed marriage. Everyday I just wish that I would have stood my grounds, respected my husband enough to tell my parents to back off and stay out of my marriage. No man wants to feel that they can't do anything without the "in-laws" having something to do with it. Make a decision, either allow your husband to lead or divorce and continue to allow your parents to run things. It's a difficult decision. Please know that being single is hard. I am lonely and I want a good man in my life so bad. I miss my husband. He is remarried now and happy, at least he seems. I made a huge mistake that I can't take back. Don't make that mistake. Don't lose your husband over your parents. Your parents will get over it.....prayerfully. Your husband may end up leaving because he's tired and you won't get that back.
Thank you for your quick reply. losing my husband is not an option. He is my support, My Life my reason for living. He has provided with the oppurtunity to become a mother and I would never risk losing him. he is getting fed up and I am scared he will have enough. I am just afraid that my parents distructive behaviour will get them hurting themselves. I hate conflict. All i want is a happy life. I dont understand why my parents can not just be happy for me. Not everyone is meant to get along in life. Why am I not enough for them?
Nikkiahl: You are enugh for your parents. That's the problem, they think they can hold on to you. You have to find strength before it's too late to talk to your parents. Go to counseling, all of you, if that helps you to open up in a safe environment with a mutual party. Please know that if you do not handle business with your parents, someone else will handle business with your husband and your marriage will be over anyway. Men want to feel and believe that they are your everything. When your parents are involved, he feels anything but your everything. No man wants competition, especially from the parents. It's tough....I know. Hang in there. BE STRONG. MAKE DECISIONS.
Well after sending that email last night asking for a time out and some space I have recieved a final email from my parents.
they have decided to cut all contact with me. They are going to finish there house, Sell up and move to NZ.
They have said they can no longer live like this feeling that there relationship are being controlled by my husband and that If I could not see things there way that they were cutting ties completely with me. They said that they will always be there for me and love me but this is the way things have to be.
They called the police yesterday to find out there rights. They said could my husband legally kick them out of my home...It was said that if i wanted them there No. thing is i do not want them here unless my husband is not home and my husband is fine with them being here providing the respect his wishes.
They also emailed me an article listing types of domestic abus and higlighting everything that applied to our situation. Making my husband out to be the devils span when in reality everything that I have felt the corresponds to domestic abuse has come from them.
How did this get to F**KED up...I mean they could have had it all. A loving relationship with me. All the access they wanted to there grandchild and a hopefully positive future. They were planning on moving to NZ anyway so they could have just played nice until they left and then when they were gone we could have had a civil relationship.
I guess now all I can do is ensure that I am taking care of myself and my growing baby. Look after my husband and building a happy and secure life for my child to come into.
I am struggling to come to terms with everything, I am so afraid of my parents hurting themselves and losing all hope for a future. If I knew they would find happiness perhaps I would feel better.
Anyone have any coping techniques that may help me?
Thank you for your support. Please continue to post any advise you may have.
I am sorry for your trouble.
From what you have written the problem seems to be entirely of your parents' making...
They are behaving as if you are their pssession that has been stolen from them rather than their daughter who is now married to her chosen man and is soon to be a mother!
It might be their combined medical difficulties or it might be something misguided in their expectations dating back to their own upbringing - both sharing the same mind and medical/mental problems: how much of a coincidence is that???
The way you describe them it sounds like they are suffering a sort of mass hysteria...
Whatever the cause they seem determined to behave irrationally and break all the "civilised" rules about good manners and respect and ignore the facts of the situation!
The main fact being you have reached your age of majority (you are an adult with self-determination) and other facts are: you are married and your first duty is to your husband, you live in your own soon to be extended family and you both have a right to make the rules and to expect them to be respected and you live in your own space where the same right to make rules applies...
In all of this your parents have no rights and so far they have shown no respect!!!
I would say your husband is probably a very patient man...
All of the above are normally unwritten rules that people who have had an average upbringing know and respect - not sure why this has managed to escape your parents notice?
Certainly things cannot stay as they are and you continuously responding to their emotional blackmail is not helping anyone in the long term and is probably making things worse...
Something must change very quickly because your baby will need a stable and peaceful household and providing that must be your absolute top priority - you haven't the time or resources to deal with your unstable parents!
If I was in your position I would harden my heart and write down the rules and leave them to decide to respect them or to sell up and move to NZ.
If they did not respect my rules I would probably change my phone number, my email and my address as like most people I have enough troubles of my own without burdening myself with those of unpleasant people an accident of birth made me related to...
If they want a continuing relationship with you and your family (you must make it clear that is what you want too) it must be made very clear they can have what they want if they simply comply with a few simple rules - rules, I might add that virtually all other people would have absolutely no trouble respecting...
I strongly suggest you stop feeding their combined anger/insecurities/hysteria by cutting out the messaging and anything else that can be accidentally or deliberately misunderstood. Similarly stop answering your phone to them except at specific times once or twice per week and tell them you will be switching on your computer only once every week to deal with your emails...
I feel in order to live your life you must break their vicious circle where every contact gives them an excuse to dream up new dissatisfactions and beat you over the head with them: trying to punish your husband by making your life hell...
I feel you should take the upper hand, the moral high ground, and make it clear their emotional blackmail will no longer work and they are solely responsible for whether or not they have contact with you and their grandchild and then only if they give due respect to the man you chose to be your husband...
AND at all times behave with dignity!
Their current attitude on that matter is really disrespecting you!
You must look after number one!
If your parents are so unstable that your rules throw them into a tizzy it will be a good thing because they clearly need specialised treatment and simply appeasing them will keep them from it...
Good luck and good luck with your baby. Look after yourself - you must get things sorted now as soon there will be no time...