Dont really know how to start this off, ive been at rock bottom before when i was 19 and that made me change for 3 months but now im almost at that same level, and mentally Im feeling worse, just got a roof over my head these days and not a street kid. I'm 23 years old now. What Im typing probably wont make much sense as 3 weeks ago i got put in a psych ward and the doctors have given me klonopin, rivotril, clonazepam, whatever you refer to it as, ive been taking it for a month now and it has really messed up my memmory to the point were im forgetting everything short term and i dont think it is heliping. And im also hanging out right now, ive been addicted to crystal meth since i was 16 and without i just dont feel alive or like myself, even typing this is a mission and im paranoid about people judging me. Ive never used message boards before or really communicated over the internet besides MSN messenger back when i was a teenager so forgive me for my poor form, i havent been 2 school since i was 14 and probably worked for about 8 months max from then till now. The last time i had a job was september 2009 so i have been unemplyed for a long time now, the only real way i knew how to make money growing up was selling drugs or crime which i am not proud of now that im older and i have paid the cost dearly.
There is no way i could tell my whole story right now as i have been thru so much different things i could easily write a book, but im going to do a brief introduction and hopefully find people like me as i am in a dark place at the mmoment and very alone, bitter, angry at the world and depressed. I'm trying to change but its a hard battle. I have smoked cannabis daily except for the odd dry spell since i was 15 and crystal meth since 16, i was an every day drinker from the ages of 18 till about 21 but dont drink much anymore. I have been diagnosed with depression, ocd, adhd, ptsd and drug induced psychosis and have been put on just about every med under the sun since i was 15.
As a young child i was bullied and got into alot of fights in the school yard and on the street and grew up in an area with a high crime rate, then at 15 i changed i think as a defensive mechanism unknown to me at the time but i slowly turned into a monster. I use 2 be a good kid who wouldnt hurt a fly but what i saw as kid was the bad kids, the rebels being treated like kings and the good, quiet ones suffering. By the time i was 16 none of the kids who picked on me when i was younger would even look me in the eye, and i had joined a very dangerous gang. I was bad but still had some morals and saw some awful things happen to innocent victims, and this is the major part of my ptsd, not cos of the awful things which have happened to me, but what i have seen happen to other people.
But back in thoese days i use 2 have girls surrounding me, hundreds of friends, parties all the time, life of danger which i found fun and an andrenaline rush and felt contempt and even enjoyed all the chaos and dysfunction that surrounded me. I was kicked out of home at 15 and never had a good home life so the streets and the crims were my home and family and i loved it at the time. But things aint the same anymore, i dont associate with criminals anymore because i honestly cant handle that sort of lifestyle anymore and have now got morals and hate scum who think its ok to rob someone who cant fight back. I always made money illegal but never targetted innocent people in violent ways and took money they had worked hard for, i did other things which is no excuse but i always had a line i wouldnt cross.
But now none of the normal people i grew up with wanna know me cos they all just think im a thug, family dont wana know me, and im no longer the ladies man because the drugs have messed me up mentally and at this age its no longer cool to be the rebel, when yout a teenager girls like that sort of thing but now they want someone who can offer some stability. So the only people i see are drug dealers and thats 2 get the goods then go back home and use by myself, this is my life. Im always isolated and spend way 2 much time in my own head which is driving me crazy. In 2011 i lost the plot a bit and got in a lot of fights and put myslef in alot of dangerous situations cos i honestly dont care if i die, in fact it sounds nice to me. Im sick of people freaking out when they see me on the street in isolated places cos i got jail tats and look a little rough, the other day a bloke took off sprinting when i was walking behind him in an alleyway, this sort of thing always happens and it hurts im always gettin judged when i had no bad intentions what so ever. I dont even know what im rambling about ive taken 10mg of clonazepam tonight when im spose to be on 2 .5 tablets a day so i probly wont remember this but i suppose ive gotta start some where . I havent even covered 1 percent of whats going on with me at the moment and I have probably alreayd made a bad impression but hopefully people will give me a chance and get to know the real me thru these boards because deep down i am a good person and i know this im just hurting alot at the moment. If i find support around here i will edit my profile and put some pics up so people can see who this person is. Im very alone at the moment, im not exagerating when i say i have NOTHING in life and no1 to talk to. I'll end it here cos these pills mess with my memory and i dont even know what I;m going on about.
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