My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. Well, maybe not when I was really young, but once I hit middle school and started wanting to do anything, it hit the rocks, and has been there for the last 12 years (I'm 25 now). Any of my friends or (then) teachers who know her directly describe her as controlling, overbearing, unstable, or some combination of those.
Things really got bad in high school, when I tried to come out. I wound up crawling back into the closet after a year because the reaction was so harsh. Since then I have come out a second time, to a harsh reaction, but more "How can you do this to me I'm so depressed now" than "You cannot do this and I won't let you." No, she's not religious. She still pressures me not to be with my girlfriend, and frequently asks about whether or not I've met any men I find interesting.
Along with this, about four years ago she wound up abusing prescription pain killers for a condition she had, and just was really not there. She's not as bad as she was, but she's frequently still "out of it," and "needs" to drink every night to calm her nerves, which makes her behavior worse. She also frequently criticizes my weight, even though I am healthy, attractive, and am usually described by those who know me as "skinny" or "athletic."
I don't live at home, but I'm visiting right now, and I'm finding that even though she's being well-behaved right now, everything about her irritates me to no end. Any noise she makes while eating, any vapid conversation she tries to have with me, the fact that she doesn't wear a bra anymore, her chewing her nails or picking her nose--EVERYthing. I KNOW I wouldn't be this harsh with someone else, and she hasn't done anything on this visit to deserve my anger, and I'm trying to stay in control, but it's like being physically in her presence makes me sick.
I avoid letting her touch me at all costs--though that has been the case for years. It makes me uncomfortable, even though I'm very physically affectionate with friends and lovers. She used to insist that I "hug her better" or give her a peck on the mouth instead of the cheek, and that made me feel downright nauseous. I think she's given up, but she used to beg for me to cuddle her on the couch, and I hated that, too, once I got older.
What is going on? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way about her? I do have a therapist, and she's been saying I should work on calming down by seeing my mother's side of things. I can do that logically, and usually from a distance (though it doesn't excuse her bad behaviors), but in the heat of the moment...no go.