I am a male, 43 years of age, married with 3 children. My mother was part of my life for the full 43 years as she/we lived in the same house all that time. She has been widowed for nearly 43 years (my dad died when I was a baby and I never knew him). She was my rock, my best friend, my advisor, my way out of bother and trouble. I loved her so much. She died a bout 2 weeks ago after a 6 month illness. I cared for her all that time, with help from other family members. I am troubled by guilt and despair. She had a cancer, but we don't know how big a part this had in her death. Last year my Mam had to get involved in a family dispute in which she had to authorize legal intervention. The other party countered with an act that devastated her and tormented her religious beliefs. She was 86 years old then. She cried so much after that. This other family member had tormented her for years using various cold and calculated actions. We tried to stop him but he took this action that stunned all his family. My Mam needed emergency surgery for an ulcer about 6 months after all this and we nearly lost her then. I feel so guilty that she had to be involved. I feel this action brought on the ulcer situation which eventually caused complications leading to her death. I did everything I could to care for her but couldn't stop her from getting pneumonia (possibly aspiration). She didn't call for me on the night she was diagnosed with the pneumonia as she didn't want to bother me!!! I had told her she needed to rest, to get sleep and give herself a chance to sleep as she had been up nearly twice or 3 times nightly. I feel guilty about telling her this. It was selfish, she needed company but I needed sleep as I also looked after her during the day.On the night she died she was gasping for breath and had the "death rattle" her eyes were wide open and it was almost as if she was looking for me to "fix"things for her, help her. I always organised her doctors, nurses, care, medication.. but I couldn't do any more!!! I did manage to get her a priest and she also had a nurse with her when she died.. Was she in pain?? Was she drowning?? I held her hand, and rubbed her forehead and assured her I was there. She knew, she did respond to me.. I miss her so!!!!!! Where is she now? Surely she cant be tortured in purgatory or hell? She raised 9 children single handed, remained loyal to her husband and never remarried, she was generous, helpful and always saw the good in others.. She did not want to leave the family, she struggled to stay with us despite having 2 months of constant nausea and vomiting.. She feared the afterlife and left a note for us to pray for her.. How can religion be so cruel at the end to people who are so devoted?? I know its probably unusual for a man to feel this way, but I do.. She was my life...The best friend I ever had...