my life is too much

I came out of abuse at 16, got my ged, can't keep a job if my life depended on it (which it does), through depression and anxiety I'm not getting any younger and my body is messed up, my shoulder and hip feel like crap all the time and even if I could find a stable job it would be difficult to do while doing yoga to keep my body aligned 7 or 8 times a day. I still have to deal with annoying people that would probably like to see me dead while they walk around all smiles. At this point my life is a train wreck and I'm just sitting here blowing it all away because if I cared then I probably would kill myself.
But I don't want to die. It just feels like the entire world wants me to die. It feels like I'm less than *h*t.

I wish my life were like the movies, where I just call up my friend as they are heading out of the city and just hitch a ride to wherever. But everywhere else is probably more risky than me living as I am now.

Nothing in this life interests me anymore. After all this pain that this world gave to me, I have nothing left to give it back in return. Even anger takes out too much energy. I just don't care anymore and I want to care. I want to be like everybody else but I'm not like everybody else. It feels like I have no place left in this world after all was said and done.

It's like my life has evolved from anger, to something higher than that--an evolutionary belief in absolutely nothing. Depression. Depression!! *u*k!

I just don't know what to do anymore. Chaos is all I have ever known. How do I exist in this world? This world doesn't want me to exist. So much pressure, can't do anything and everything is stacked against me. I have to pretend to like people I actually hate just so I don't starve to death on the streets.

And yet all this pain I have people look up to me because I point at what I don't like and call it out for what it is, and I guess everybody can't just do that on their own. I guess in a way I am a catalyst and so all of this actually means something? It doesn't seem fair to me at all.

This world has taken everything from me. Even my identity. I just want to scream but I don't even have the willpower to do that.

It feels better to vent like this but I know it won't solve my problems. And I just don't know what to do anymore. But thanks for listening.